Page 83 of The Blood Orchid

Chapter Sixteen

The rain fell harder, a rushing sheet of it forming gray walls all around us, sealing us in our tiny world inside the alley.

“I saw you,” Wenshu said quietly. “In the river plane.”

“You remember that?” I said. I hardly remembered much of it myself beyond grabbing his hand and pulling him to the surface.

He nodded. “I remember drowning,” he said. “It was like my whole life had turned to water and was filling up my lungs. But then it was gone, and I was lying in this muddy riverbed with a stone wall behind me. I sat there in the dark and waited for you. I knew you’d come eventually.”

He looked past me, into the sheet of rain. “But so much time passed, and you didn’t come. I called your name, but I couldn’t even hear my own voice. I could see through my own hands, like I was made of mist. The forest was so loud, it kept calling for me, and after a while I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“I walked into the forest, and it got darker and darker. But then I heard footsteps, and when I turned, I could see you in the clearing. I called out for you, but you still didn’t hear me. You kept walking past me, and that’s when I realized you weren’tthere for me at all. You were looking for the prince.”

He trailed off, gaze dropping to the ground.

He must have seen me wading through the darkness before I truly knew who I was going to bring back. Alchemy was driven by intention, and without a crystal clear goal, I’d been lost in the woods for what felt like hours.

“For a moment, I thought of just letting you go to him,” Wenshu said, his words quieter now. “Maybe I should have. But I needed to make sure you and Yufei were all right on the other side. So I ran up to you and took your hand, and that was when you finally noticed me.”

That part I remembered. The darkness had dissolved, and suddenly my brother was standing before me, as if surfacing from a dark sea. I’d taken his hand, and the haze of the river plane had evaporated.

“I thought you would return for the prince afterward,” Wenshu said, glaring at his feet. “I didn’t realize you were choosing between us. But it wasn’t a choice, because I decided for you.”

I shook my head. “That’s not how it works.”

“It’s obvious that you wish I was him, Zilan,” he said, finally meeting my gaze. “Everyone can see it. You spend half your time with the prince at the river, and the rest of the time you walk around like a kicked puppy. You never looked this sad, even when your mother died.”

I wondered, fleetingly, if Wenshu was right. I had never consciously wished that it was Hong and not my brother standing beside me, but alchemy had a way of unspooling all the lies you told yourself, revealing the truths you tried to ignore. I’d been so happy for the brief moment Hong was back in his own body, but that was only because I worried about him waiting in thedarkness, wasn’t it? I didn’t want my brother dead any more than I wanted Hong dead. I had faced an impossible choice.

And somehow, even when I’d chosen Wenshu, it wasn’t enough for him.

I took a steadying breath, clenching my teeth against the onslaught of angry words that wanted to rush out. Wenshu had never been asked to choose between those he loved, except for the time when he’d kicked me out and chosen to protect Yufei over me. He’d apologized, but it wasn’t something I could easily forget.

Everyone I loved was either dead or hated me. I wished I could go back to a time before I was anyone of importance, before anyone had expected any more from me than to sell míngqì in a tiny shop in Guangzhou and not complain that no one wanted to marry me. If no one expected me to save them, I could never let anyone down.

“I don’t understand what you want from me,” I said, fists clenched. I knew it wasn’t what Wenshu wanted to hear, but in that moment, I didn’t care. “I brought you back, even though it meant I might lose Hong forever. I’m trying to get your body back. And somehow, I still did something wrong?”

“That’s not what I’m saying,” Wenshu said, frowning.

“Then what are you asking me to do?” I said, raising my voice against the roar of rain. “Go back in time and find you faster in the darkness? Wait to mourn my betrothed until after you’re asleep? I have a lot more important things to worry about right now.”

“Well, at least you’re being honest now,” Wenshu said. “I’m always the last person you think about.”

“I gave up Hong for you!” I said.

“And I wish you hadn’t!” Wenshu shouted back.

I stilled, suddenly too aware of the coldness of the rain on my robes, the searing heat of my anger extinguished in an instant.

“I would rather you left me for dead than let me live this way,” he said. “Because every time you look at me, I can tell you wish I was someone else. I don’t want to live my life indebted to him, always knowing that I’m not enough for you.”

I shook my head. “That’s not what I said.”

“You didn’t have to say it,” Wenshu said, turning away.

“Gege, I want you here with me,” I said. Surely he knew that much was true.

But he only glanced over his shoulder, his expression so perfectly even and cold, like he didn’t know me at all. And there, once more, was the proof that I had ruined another precious part of my life. There was so little left that I hadn’t destroyed.