Page 19 of Bruise Me Tenderly
Walter doesn’t interrupt me once, and I’m thankful for his silence. It makes it easier to slide into the rest of the story. About the fact that Judson and I have been sleeping together.
“And I’m worried we’re making a mistake,” I finish, still picking at my thumbnail.
“Why is that?” Walter asks.
“Because I think Judson’s using our time together as a way to cope with what happened.”
“I see.” He scratches at the stubble on his chin. “Do you feel used after being with him?”
“No, not at all.” I don’t want to go into why I don’t feel that way, because that’s just between me and Judson.
“Then, what’s happening that makes you think he’s hiding behind it?”
“Because…because he feels so guilty about what Ian did to me. And I’m a little worried that the bond we forged because of Ian has permanently altered our relationship.”
“Like Ian will always be between you two?”
“Yeah, exactly. And…sometimes it’s been really obvious that he needs to talk about something, but he lets things get physical instead. Like he’s coping through that.”
“And that bothers you?”
“Not in the way it sounds. It’s just that…we did that in the basement at Ian’s place. It helped us keep our sanity, to be together like that. But we’re not at Ian’s place anymore. And I’m worried that if he’s still using the same coping mechanisms, is he still stuck in that moment?”
“Have you asked Judson about it?”
“No. I’m not really sure if I should. I feel like it would sound like an accusation no matter how I phrased it.”
“Well, if that is what he’s doing, there’s a good chance he’llseeit as an accusation no matter how you phrase it. But if it’s something that’s weighing on you, then you should bring it up with him. You can’t be responsible for anyone else’s feelings or actions. Not even Judson’s.”
Even though I know he’s right, I don’t want him to be. I want to be able to fix Judson, to help him like he’s always helped me. Getting lost in each other was the only thing that kept me grounded when we were trapped with Ian. When I woke up in the hospital, I didn’t have that anymore. My parents practically shoved me into therapy, and I learned new ways to help cope. Things I don’t think Judson ever learned.
I hate the thought of him dealing with that on his own.
“Let’s talk about you for a second,” Walter says after a long moment of silence. “Judson came back to town about two weeks ago, right?”
I nod.
“Has his presence had any kind of negative effect on you? Have you been thinking about Ian more or had any nightmares?”
I shrug. “No more than usual. To be honest…this foolish part of me hoped they’d go away entirely when Judson came back.”
“That’s not foolish,” Walter says. “And that was negative self-talk.”
I barely resist the urge to roll my eyes. “Fine, it was naïve.”
He can’t argue with that. It wasn’t like I was waiting around for him to come back and save me from the nightmares and memories, but a part of me couldn’t help remembering how safe I always felt with Judson. If anyone could ward off invisible monsters, it’s him.
“There’s nothing wrong with having heroes,” Walter says. “But I don’t want you thinking you need Judson in any way to live a full life. You missed him, and you wanted him back, but you were surviving without him. You’ve made a lot of progress since you first started seeing me.”
He’s not wrong. I don’t even like to think too much about what I was like when I first crawled into his office. I was afraid of everything and just wanted to be home—I didn’t even make it through the first session. Then I cried all the way through the second and third. I could tell it was scaring my parents, but there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.
I shake my head. “That feels like a lifetime ago.”
Walter gives me a gentle smile. “It was for you, River. You should be proud of all you’ve accomplished.”
Warmth settles in my chest and stays there throughout the rest of our session. Walter’s right—I was making it before Judson came back to town. I love being with him again, but I’ll survive it again when he leaves to go back to Seattle.
But there’s a tiny part of me that feels like if I move on completely, it’ll be like leaving Judson all alone still trapped in Ian’s house.