Page 23 of Bruise Me Tenderly
It’s tempting to just let him. My body’s definitely crying out for it, and from how close Judson’s pressed against me, I know he can feel it too.
But I can’t let this happen again. I can’t force him to talk if he doesn’t want to, but I can stop him from using this as some kind of crutch.
“We don’t need to do this,” I say, trying to make my voice firm to cover up the lust in it. “You’re upset, and we should wait.”
“What?” He pulls away enough to look down at me. “I’m not upset.”
“You are. And I don’t want to do this when you’re upset.”
“You aren’t serious, are you?” Anger inches into his tone. “I’m a grown man; I don’t need anyone telling me how I feel.”
“I think it was a little obvious based on your reaction when you looked at the guy that you were bothered.”
His jaw works, and the anger spreads to his eyes, darkening them. “I’m glad therapy is helping you get in touch with your feelings, but don’t try to use that stuff on me.”
“What stuff?” I demand. “I’m pointing something out that anyone in the world could see. You just don’t want to admit that Ian is still a problem for you.”
“That’s because he’s not.”
“He is. Because every time you want to fuck me, it’s because you’re upset about something he did. And I don’t want to base a relationship on that.”
He jerks back as if I hit him. “That’s a goddamn lie. I want you all the time, not just when I’m upset.”
“Then why can’t we talk instead of having sex?”
“Because I don’t want to talk,” he snaps. “I’m sorry if you’re still bothered by what Ian did to us, but I’m not. So stop putting your shit on me.”
Maybe I should be pissed at the way he’s acting, but all I feel is pity. He’s obviously still struggling so much with what happened, but he won’t let himself feel any of it. He’s stuck in this stage of denial that nearly breaks my heart to witness.
As much as I want to help him, I know I can’t. Until he realizes what he’s doing on his own, no one’s going to be able to help him.
“I think you should go,” I say.
His eyes widen. “You want me to leave?”
“Yes.” It hurts to say the one word, but I know I’m making the right decision. I’ve spent a really long time coming to terms with what Ian did to us, and right now, I have to step back from Judson so I don’t get caught up in that web again. I love him, probably more than anything in the world, but I’m not going back to that.
“You’re serious?” Judson asks, disbelief in his voice.
I nod once because I don’t trust myself to speak again.
He shakes his head and turns for the door, walking out of my life for the second time.
Thirteen
Judson
When I leave River’s apartment, I’m so angry that my hands shake as I try to unlock the doors to my Jeep.
Rain has started to fall, and thunder rumbles overhead, only making my mood darker. I can’t believe River would say something like that. Like I would use him for sex.
I grit my teeth as I climb into my Jeep and slam the door shut after me. Rain pounds on the roof of the car, and I just sit there, breathing in time to the white noise outside.
The longer I sit there, the more the anger starts to turn internal. River could’ve been angry with me when I came back to town. He could’ve let me have it for leaving him alone to deal with the aftermath of Ian. He could’ve gotten angry when I told him about the party. But he wasn’t.
Which means he must’ve been really pissed off tonight.
I just don’t know why. I don’t understand why he would think I see him as some way to block thoughts of Ian from my head.