Page 28 of Bruise Me Tenderly

“When did I ever say it was going to be easy? If it were easy, you wouldn’t be dragging your feet about doing it.”

“I’m not—”

“You are,” she interrupts. “You need help dealing with all of it, and you know that. But you’ve never shied away from doing something that was hard. So what’s stopping you from doing this?”

My throat feels too tight to answer her. How can I explain all of it?

“Judson.” Her voice softens, and I realize I don’t have to explain it at all. She’s always known things before I had to tell her. “It’s not your fault. You deserve to feel peace too. Not just from River, but a genuine peace on your own.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” I admit. It sounds like such a simple action—to find peace. But it’s not. I’ve spent the last six years telling myself that I didn’t deserve anything different thanwhat I’d started to live with. I don’t know how I’m supposed to just rid myself of all those thoughts.

Bryce stirs in her arms, and she glances down at him. “You should hold him.”

“No, you’ve—”

She doesn’t give me the chance to finish. She turns on the hospital bed and holds him out to me. I lift my hands instinctively to catch him even though I know she wouldn’t let him drop if I didn’t.

When his warm weight is tucked safely in my hands, I pull him close to my chest. He makes a soft noise every time he breathes out.

“There are people out there who kidnap babies just to hurt them,” McKenzie says. “Completely innocent babies who are hurt just because someone saw them and wanted to cause them pain.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

“No, I don’t think you do.” Her voice grows firmer, fiercer. “If my son is ever hurt because some creep saw him and wanted him, are you going to tell him it was his fault somehow?”

“Of course not.” The very idea makes my chest clench.

“What if he was at a party? What if he was out having fun with friends, living his life, when he should’ve been shut up in his room because that was safer? How long is my son supposed to blame himself for something that someone else did to him, something he had no control over? A year? Five years?”

“I don’t want to think about that.”

“Neither do I. But that’s what happened to you. You were innocent, Judson, and he took that away from you.”

I lower my gaze to the baby sleeping in my arms because I don’t want her to see the wetness in my eyes. I know all of thaton a logical level. But I’ve held onto this for so long, that it feels too huge to let go of. I haven’t known anything else for so long.

“I’m scared,” I admit in a whisper.

“I know,” she says softly. “But you’re stronger than him. You always have been. I know you can do this. And you won’t be alone. I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

I nod quickly, before my brain can catch up and tell me that I don’t deserve to feel better. Don’t deserve to have McKenzie’s support.

I’m scared of talking to anyone about Ian, but I’m tired of hurting all the time. I spent the last six years just surviving; I’m ready to try letting go.

Sixteen

River

I visit McKenzie and her newborn son twice while she’s in the hospital, but I don’t get the chance to see Judson for a few days.

A part of me wonders if he’s avoiding me. I can’t really blame him if he is. He has a lot to work through, and now he’s taking care of McKenzie on top of it. I know Polly’s been by a few times with casseroles and baked goods, and I want to do something to help, but I also don’t want to bother Judson. We left things so open, even after I stayed with him through McKenzie’s surgery. I don’t want to make anything awkward.

Two weeks pass before I see him again, leaning against his Jeep in the parking lot of my apartment complex. He looks a lot more relaxed than the last time I saw him.

When I park beside him and get out of my car, he gives me a tentative smile. “Can we talk?”

“Sure.” My heart pounds as I lead him up to my apartment, and he’s silent all the way there. He doesn’t say a word until the door is locked behind us.

“I realized earlier today that I never even thanked you for staying with me when McKenzie was in surgery.”