Page 60 of A Vow of Shadows
“You’re alright, Kat.” Sam held out a hand, and I placed the glass in it. Setting it aside, he reached out again, this time taking my hand and hauling me into a standing position. I expected him to let me go once I was again upright, but he gripped me with surprising strength. “If I spoke unkindly, it is only because I envy your potential.”
“What do you mean?”
“There are doors still open to you despite the choices you’ve made.” He motioned to my darkened skin. “These shadows, your bargain with Van, neither have sealed your fate. Death may take you tonight. He may take you in a year, but there is still a chance that you will win. There’s still a chance for you both to be free. In the end, both options are ones that have been denied to me for centuries.”
I stood in stunned silence, noting open expression and watery gaze. He was telling the truth. I’d never thought of death as a gift,but after centuries of lonely existence trapped between life and death, would I yearn for the latter as much as the former?
Still reeling from the revelation, I allowed Sam to guide me to a chair. I stared into the flickering flames, contemplating all that he’d said. Twisting the words around in my mind until I started to question my sanity. At some point, he’d refilled my drink, the glass once again clenched between my hands. This time, I didn’t hesitate to gulp it all down. It warmed my belly and eased some of the tension in my limbs. I blew out a breath, glancing at Sam in the chair beside me.
“Do you think I’m on a fool’s errand?” I voiced the fear that had nagged at me these last few days. Though I hadn’t intended to befriend Evander, our hot-and-cold relationship made me unwilling to share my deeper doubts with him. I didn’t have the same reservations about Sam. I didn’t care whathethought of me. “Should I accept my fate and be done with it?”
Sam tilted his head, considering. “You cannot go wrong on this path. Either you will thwart Death or you will meet him as you were always meant to.”
I pulled at the torn threads of my skirt. “I think if I were dying—and only that—that I could come to terms with that. I don’t know what awaits in the Afterworld, but I’m no longer afraid to find out. Don’t get me wrong,” I added at his knowing glance, “I want to live, but dying doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”
“See. Nothing to worry about.” He sat back, propping his hands behind his head.
“But that’s not what’s happening,” I said, rubbing my shadowed skin. “Death has claimed me—Behryn has claimed me—to whatever end. More than anything,thatis what terrifies me. I am merely a pawn in some game, and I don’t even know the rules.”
Sam nodded in understanding and took a quick sip from his glass. Leaning forward, he propped his elbows on his thighs,eyes never leaving the drink as it dangled between his knees. “I didn’t trade my life for my wife’s. I would have, but our son—” His voice broke on the word, and he swallowed thickly before continuing. “He was all we had. When he came down with the fever, he was too young, too small to fight it. I gave my life for his. I will never regret that, but I missed everything. I missed him growing up and becoming a man. I missed growing old with my woman, and I missed their deaths. Now they wait for me in the Afterworld, and I may never join them.”
“I’m so sorry, Sam.”
“I’m not telling you for pity. When you’re sitting pretty in that manor, sharing a bed with Van—”
“We’ve never—”
“I don’t care.” He cut me off. “When you think you’ve found the easy way out, that you can just exist in The Between forever, I want you to remember that anything is better than this. This is not living. It’s hiding. Don’t throw away your possibilities for the safe choice. More often than not, it’s not a choice at all.”
With one conversation, Sam had turned my world upside-down. He’d known my inner turmoil without me having to voice it, and now, I had to figure out how to accept his wisdom. There was no future for Evander and me. I’d already known, but Sam’s confirmation solidified the idea into an impenetrable wall around my deepest desires. The truth was, I’d begun to see myself here, assistant to the Hand of Death. I’d found a part of myself I hadn’t known existed, and Evander had completed that version of myself.
I swallowed back the contents of my glass and tipped the empty vessel toward Sam. “I think I could go for another.”
Chapter 40
The Ferrier
My journey to the manor was quick and uneventful. The mists were calm and quiet as usual, no sign of Behryn’s beasts to be seen. Without the horses and carriage, the distance was quickly covered within the dark embrace of my shadows.
I checked on the beasts upon my arrival, ensuring they had been unhitched and cared for by my shadows when they’d returned. I detected no other presence within the confines of my property, but I sent my shadows ahead to sweep the manor just in case. I would need to perform a thorough search before returning with Katrin.
A sharp tug deep in my core gave me pause. Somewhere in my territory, a soul waited to be ferried. I couldn’t ignore the summons forever, but it could wait another night or two. I would not be so quick to leave Katrin again once I returned to Sam’s. Even if anxiety hadn’t sunk its claws in me, she’d nearly bit my head off when I left. I had no desire to upset her again.
My shadows returned signaling all was clear, and I hurried inside, heading for the kitchen to gather what food I could. Little remained of what we’d pilfered from her family home. Soon, wewould need to find more, but what was left should be enough to last through our stay at Sam’s.
I placed the food in a rucksack and handed it off to my shadows. My body moved with an unfamiliar urgency as I strode from the room. The sun was still high in the sky, but I was eager to return to Sam’s—to Katrin.
I turned the corner to the foyer and bounced off a shadow blocking my path. Glaring, I stepped to the side and flew backwards as the shadow again obstructed the way through.
“What now?” I asked, holding my arms out in an exaggerated shrug.
Darkness swept toward me, plucking at my shirt and pulling on my trousers. In my mind I saw Katrin, lovely but filthy.
“Fine,” I acquiesced. “I will change. You fetch Katrin something to wear.”
The shadow disappeared with haste. I didn’t want to waste any more time by bathing, so I grabbed some clothes to change into and handed them to the shadow when we met up again in the foyer.
“Satisfied?”