Page 12 of Rest In Pieces

The room goes silent behind me before laughter erupts from the crowd.

“Thanks for that, dickhead,” the other woman says.

I turn to her and find a tiny woman leaning against the bar. “You look like Tinkerbell.”

“And you look like Barney Gumble–you know, the drunk guy fromThe Simpsons–before he let himself go.”

I turn back to Tits McGee and get my first good look at her and her face. And her twin. No wait, there are three of her. Triplets maybe?

“Wow, the gods must love me. I’ve never had triplets before.”

“I’m so confused right now,” Tinkerbell says, but I can’t take my eyes off the woman with the pretty titties.

“I prefer Amity.”

“Amity. Nice. And your sisters?”

I look around for the other triplets, but they’re gone. I frown but decide not to worry about it. “I’ve already found my future wife. Anymore would be a waste.”

She grins. “Wife huh?”

“Wait. Did I say that out loud?” I whisper-shout.

“That’s not how you whisper, buddy. And yeah, you haven’t shut up since you swooned and Amity caught you.” Tinkerbell sighs.

“I swooned? Huh, must be the tits. Grade-A tits like that will bring a man to his knees every time.”

“Is that so?” Amity chuckles.

“Oh yeah. Is it weird that I really want to waterboard you right now?”

The woman’s quiet as she thinks. “It’s a little weird,” she admits.

“Why? Who wouldn’t want to get their face buried in those tits and get waterboarded…waterboard? Dammit, what’s the word?”

She laughs. “Wait, do you mean motorboat?”

“That’s what I said. Who doesn’t want to get motorboated?”

“Not me,” Tinkerbell says. “I’ve done it enough today.”

I glance at her, curious, and I feel myself tilt slightly before Amity steadies me.

“How much have you had to drink?”

“A lot,” I admit.

“How did you get here?”

“On my bike.”

“Figured as much. Did you come with anyone?”

I shake my head, which turns out to be a bad idea when the room starts to spin. I feel myself tipping slightly before Tits—no—Amity steadies me.

“Alright, I think we should get you home.”

“I’m not sure this is a good idea, Amity. I didn’t see any biker repellent in your bag,” Tinkerbell says.