Page 42 of Not Yet Yours

I push myself up off the floor and I go to the mirror at the bottom of the stairs, and I use the cuff of my top to wipe away the mascara that has smudged beneath my eyes. I can’t do much about the blotchy redness of the skin on my cheeks, but I feel better after wiping my eyes. I go to the living room, take a tissue from the box on the side table, and blow my nose. And then I stand up straight with my shoulders back and I force myself to say it out loud.

“I am not the problem. I never was the problem,” I say. “I am not toxic. I never was toxic. I don’t destroy the people around me who I love. I never did destroy them.”

It feels good to say it and it feels even better to know that there’s a part of me that believes it. But then I think of Liam and how my epiphany moment came too late for us. I have already lost him. Or have I? Is there a chance he would hear me out and take a chance on me? I really hope that there is still that chance and for once, I’m about to make my own destiny and go and find out instead of just assuming the worst and not putting myself out there.

I have no idea if what I’m doing is crazy or not, it probably is, but I’m doing it anyway. I get my purse and pick my keys up from where they fell on the floor beside me when I first came into the house. I leave the house and lock the door behind me. I go to my car and start it up and pull away.

I am really doing this. I think I’ve lost Liam, but I’m not going to accept that without a fight. For once, I am going to fight for what I want, fight for my happiness. And if it doesn’t work, atleast I will know that I tried. That this didn’t break down because once again, I was a coward.

For the first time I let myself admit my truth. I love Liam. And I do want a relationship with him. With him and only him. A real relationship with actual commitment and mutual support and everything that comes with it. I am ready, and all I can do is hope that Liam is too, that I haven’t scared him off, and that he can forgive me and accept why I am more than a little bit broken.

I arrive at Liam’s apartment building, and I park my car in the parking lot. I get out and lock my car and I practically run to the door of the building because I feel like if I take a moment to stop moving, to start thinking, I will talk myself out of this and I don’t want that. Not anymore.

I press the bell for Liam’s apartment. There’s no reply but his car is in the parking lot, and I wait a few seconds and try again. Maybe he’s in the bathroom or something. The second time I ring the bell, I hold my finger down for a few seconds longer than I normally would, and this time, I get an answer.

“It’s me,” I say. “Can I come up?”

Liam doesn’t reply but I hear the door click open and I guess that’s a reply in itself. I open it and step inside and climb the stairs until I reach Liam’s apartment. I tap on the door, and he opens it, and my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. God, I can’t lose him. I have never felt this way about anyone before. Crazy or not, I was right to come here and fight for him.

I follow Liam to the living room. He sits down on one end of the sofa and nods at the other end. I sit down. Now that I’m here, I don’t know what to say and I just sit in silence looking down at my feet against the cream carpet. Liam lets me sit in silence for a few minutes before he speaks up.

“What are you doing here, Harriet?” he says.

He sounds dejected. I hate to hear that tone in his voice and know that I put it there. But I still don’t know where to start to explain everything to him and panic sets in.

“I… I don’t know,” I say. I jump to my feet. “I’m sorry. I should go.”

I head for the door of the living room, but Liam gets up too and he beats me to the door. He stands in front of the door, and I pull up short and force myself to look at him.

“Harriet, please,” he says, and the desperation seeps into his voice. “You obviously came here for a reason. Talk to me. Let me in.”

“I want to,” I say. “Really, I do. But I’m afraid I can’t give you everything you need. And even if I could, I guess I’m scared that once you know everything there is to know about why I am the way I am, you will leave me. I mean I have already managed to hurt you and we’re not even officially together.”

Liam sighs and rubs his hands over his face.

“Look I’m not going to lie. Knowing you slept with someone else hurts like fucking hell. But we had never discussed being exclusive so it’s not like you did anything wrong,” he says. “I would say I forgive you but technically there’s nothing to forgive. I just need to get over it.”

I’m shaking my head before he finishes.

“I didn’t sleep with anyone. The guy in the picture is an old school friend who I haven’t seen in years. Nothing happened,” I say.

“But then why would you let me think it did?” Liam asks with a frown.

“Because to say I hadn’t slept with him somehow, in my mind, meant I was admitting that I didn’t want to have sex with anyone but you, and that meant admitting that there was something between us that goes a whole lot deeper than sex. And it all felt too intense, and I got scared,” I say.

Liam takes my hand and leads me back to the couch and I let him. When we sit back down, he is a lot closer to me than he was before, and I can feel the heat off his thigh against mine. At least that means the thought of being near me doesn’t disgust him. At least not yet.

“You know the weird thing?” Liam says and I shake my head. “I’m not the jealous type. I know that sounds crazy after the way I went on about that picture, but I’m not. If we were together, I would trust you to be with me and only me. But because you won’t commit to being with me, it leaves me confused and thinking the worst, but I tell myself it doesn’t matter because I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I would rather have this half-life with you than not have you in my life at all.”

I take a moment to think about what Liam has said, and I want nothing more than to just tell him, ok then, let’s do it. We’ll be a real couple with real commitment, and we’ll be together and be normal. But I can’t. Not yet. I can’t let him think this will be easy because I know it won’t be.

“I want that Liam, but it’s not that simple,” I say. “I really don’t think I can give you what you need, what you deserve.”

“Harriet, listen to me,” he says. He takes my hands in his and looks me in the eye. “All I need is you. All I want from you is to be mine. And I know you want that too. I can see it in your eyes. Talk to me, Harriet. Tell me what is stopping you from taking that final step.”

I know I’m going to lose him if I don’t tell him everything. Maybe I will lose him either way, but again, this way, I will know that I did my best to explain things to him and open up and that I didn’t chicken out. I open my mouth to start talking, but instead, a great, shuddering sob comes out of me.

“Hey, come on, don’t cry,” Liam says. He lets go of my hands and wraps his arms around me. For a second, I try to pull away, but he keeps hold of me and slowly, I relax against him. I wrapmy arms around him, and I cling to him, and I let it all out, all the years of thinking I am not good enough, of thinking I bring misery everywhere I go, of thinking I am toxic. I just let it all go.