Page 26 of Cashmere Ruin

“No, you’re not.”

“What?”

“You heard me.” I force my voice into a low, even tone. “You’re not sorry. Given the choice, you’d do it all again.”

“You don’t know that,” he rasps.

“Yeah, I do?—”

“—Motya—”

“—because I’d do the same, too.”

For a second, Yuri looks stunned. Like he’d been expecting to be mauled by a wild wolf, only to get his hand licked instead. “You’d do… what?”

“Protect my blood.”

I can tell my brother has no idea where I’m going with this. Truth be told, until a few hours ago, my own mind was a mystery to me. This past month… It was hell on earth. I had no time for clarity. No time to sit down and just think.

But with my daughter in my arms, it’s all finally coming together.

“You didn’t trust me.”

“No, that’s not—” Yuri starts.

But I cut him off. “You didn’t trust me,” I repeat, “because you saw I wasn’t myself. With you or with anyone. And because of that, you lost faith in me.”

Next to me, Yuri shakes his head once. “You were helpingme. Of course I trusted you.”

“No, you didn’t. When you trust someone, you tell them the truth.”

I watch my brother blink, utterly lost. “Are you feeling okay? Did you take something?”

“On the contrary, my shoulder’s been killing me all day. I’m almost too lucid.”

“Pain doesn’t make you lucid,” Yuri objects. “It just makes you hurt.”

“Maybe,” I concede. “Or maybe it helps put things into perspective.”

In my arms, May stirs. She coos weakly, but doesn’t crack her eyes open. I haven’t even had a chance to check their color yet—she’s that sleepy. No wonder she took ten-odd months to pop out. Dr. Allan had it right: she’s one cozy baby.

“I haven’t put her down once, you know,” I confess. “Ever since I got her back. I just haven’t been able to stop holding her. Not for one damn minute. Do you know why that is?”

“Why?” Yuri asks.

“Because I keep thinking that she’ll disappear.”

I see the words stab deep into my brother’s heart. I don’t feel guilty, though: pain can be good. Pain can help.

Pain can show us what truly matters.

“I find myself thinking, ‘Maybe I’ll get a glass of water.’ Then I go to put her down, but I can’t. Because what if she’s gone by the time I come back?”

“You know why April did it,” Yuri replies tightly. “WhyIdid it. It’s not going to happen again, Matvey.”

“‘Again.’ That’s a funny word. It shouldn’t have happened in the first place, Yuri.”

“I know, and if I could go back?—”