Page 91 of Cashmere Ruin

Without thinking, I step out for some air.

My friends… They all see me as a burden now. It’s plain on their faces that they’re terrified of leaving me alone. It’s creating all sorts of trouble for them.

The other day, I made June late for a shift.

Today, I kept Petra from a work emergency.

Tomorrow, it might be Matvey who pays the price.

Matvey. I’ve spent so long waiting for him to forgive me, and now that he seems to be getting around to tolerating me again, I don’t want it.

No—I don’tdeserveit.

Besides, it wouldn’t last. He doesn’t trust me. Without trust, there’s nothing.

Certainly not love.

He was right, though, wasn’t he? You took his daughter. You thought you could raise her better, but look at you now: you can’t even touch her.

Some mom you’re shaping up to be.

I put my hands on the railing. Mr. Buttons is rubbing insistently between my ankles, as if begging to be picked up.Show me what’s out there. Show me what you see.

“I can’t do that, silly,” I laugh. “It’s dangerous.”

Then I climb over the railing.

It feels dreamlike. Maybe it is. Lately, it’s been happening more and more: me falling asleep without realizing it, the real and the fake blurring behind my eyelids. If I was awake, I’d never dosomething like this, would I? I’m way too much of a coward for that.

I swing my feet and don’t feel anything.

Right. A dream.

It’s really pretty, the sight from here. I don’t even think about what I’m doing—just that I want to see more of the city. More of the skyline and the night, of the lights and lit-up windows.

Glass.Like me.

When did I turn into that? Something dangerous and fragile that no one wants to touch? Somethinginvisible?

I wonder if Daphne realized what was happening to her when she began to transform. I wonder if, at the last possible second, she tried to stop it.

I wonder if it hurt.

“April.April.Get down from there.”

I snort. “What happened to ‘hello’?”

“April, come back inside this instant.” He’s as bossy as ever, but his voice is unusually soft. Like he’s scared of something.

For some reason, that makes me laugh. What could Matvey Groza possibly be scared of?

“Why? Afraid I’m gonna catch a chill?”

He’d raise her right. He’d raise May better than you could. A fearless father versus a coward mother.A more obvious choice, there has never been.

“That’s not true,” Matvey growls from somewhere behind me.

“What’s not true?”