Page 32 of Love Harder

Trust is a beautiful thing. I honestly think it is one of the most purest things in the world.

So when Switzerland opened up and told me things about himself that explained who he was, and why he acted the way he did, I just fell even harder for him.

There wasn’t an exact moment.

There never is.

Because love hits you when you least expect it…and we’reneverready for the fall.

Those days leading up to him leaving, we spoke about a lot. We spoke about absolutely everything. There’s a turning point in the time you spend with someone when things just become natural, and that’s how I felt with Switzerland.

I told him about Ghost and Mr. J. He simply listened, letting me spew forth my tragic past, only to hug me when I was done.

The more time I spent with him, the more I liked. But there was always the big fat elephant in the room—he was leaving.

I wanted to tell him to stay so many times. But I didn’t want to be selfish. I knew what I was getting myself into from the moment we met. He never lied to me and was always upfront. I understood why he set down those rules.

But it didn’t matter.

When someone tells me not to do something, I do the opposite.

Everything between us became more intense, and I guess that’s what happens when you let someone in.

He would read my facial cues.

I would read his.

I would live for his hands around me when he pulled me close and kissed the back of my shoulder.

I died small deaths when he would say, “That’s my girl.”

Switzerland was loyal.

He was honest.

But I never knew how he felt.

And I guess he didn’t know how I felt either.

Each second was counting down to ugly tears, and Mötley, she told me I had to tell him. I had to tell him how I felt. She said even once, just tell him that you don’t want him to go.

But I couldn’t.

That was selfish. And I hated myself that that was exactly how I felt.

I knew he was leaving.

So perhaps I could tell him because I would want to know if the tables were turned. I wasn’t expecting anything in return. I just needed him to know how I felt.

So just how words have done my entire life, they saved me once more.

I wrote him a letter, expressing how I felt.

It was scary because regardless of feelings, I knew it wouldn’t change the reality that he was going. But that’s not the reason I wrote it. I wrote it because I never wanted any regrets with Switzerland. He was something special. And I had to say goodbye.

No matter how hard I tried, I could never keep him.

But you know what? It would be okay because as long as he was happy pursuing his dreams, I could live with why I had to let him go.