Page 19 of Hunter's Baby Girl

Chapter 9

It was three days before I called Hunter. It took me that long to get up the courage to face him again.

To be honest, it was a long and miserable three days. Somehow, I’d come to rely on our little get-togethers more than I realized. They were like a release valve, almost. I could just forget about the world and its stresses and the fact that I felt like my life was slipping away as I worked at a meaningless job. I could escape and blow off some steam.

I realized by the third day of having no contact with him that I had looked forward to our evenings. Now, I was back to having nothing to look forward to. That revelation alone was enough to make me take stock of my life.

I didn’t want to rely too much on Hunter or anybody else. I’d been hurt too many times before when I gave my heart or attention or energy toward a person, only to find out that they weren’t interested, or that they were only interested in using me for what I could give them.

I thought about that on Saturday night while I was making dinner for myself. So many times, I dove headfirst into another person and made my whole world about them. I would meet a guy and become friends with him and would inevitably develop a crush in no-time flat. I’d be supportive and caring, hoping that they would somehow realize I was the perfect woman for them.

Only it never worked out that way. You can’t make a person love you, no matter how good you are to them. Eventually, our friendship would end, and I would be heartbroken. I didn’t want to have my heart broken again, by Hunter or anybody else. I had to be smarter this time.

After all my soul searching was finished and I had eaten my solitary dinner, I gave Hunter a call. I decided I wanted us to continue along the course we’d started, but there needed to be complete honesty. Otherwise, how could this end well?

We agreed to meet for coffee on Sunday, just as we had when we first made our arrangement. This time, he was the one who arrived early, and he had a latte and muffin waiting for me. As I walked over to the table, I was taken aback all over again by his good looks. Steady, girl, I told myself.

“A latte,” I murmured as I took a seat, and I couldn’t help the rueful smile that spread across my face. He realized what I meant, and his face turned a deep shade of crimson.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just teasing,” I assured him.

“At least you’re teasing me,” he said. “I wasn’t sure you’d ever want to talk to me again, much less tease me over our safe word.”

I looked around to be sure there was no one in the vicinity who could easily overhear us, then turned back to him. “So like I said on Wednesday night, I needed time to think. And I’ve done a lot of it.”

“So have I,” he said. I was glad to hear it, but the skeptical voice of reason in my head told me to take his words with a grain of salt. It was then I understood the fact that he would need to regain my trust.

“Where did your thinking lead you?” he asked, toying with his coffee cup. I could sense how nervous he was.

“Hunter . . . I don’t want to end what we have,” I said. I thought it would be best to let him off the hook upfront rather than keep him dangling. I heard his sigh of relief and saw the smile that spread across his painfully handsome face. I reminded myself to not get all gaga over him just because he was good looking.

“But I think we have a lot of talking to do before we can get back into things,” I added. He nodded emphatically. I continued, “I really hated you on Wednesday night, to be honest. I hated what you did to me, and I hated feeling like I was nothing to you. But more than anything, I hated the way it seemed like you enjoyed it. You liked it, didn’t you?”

He avoided my eyes, but I stared at him. I wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily. Finally, his eyes wandered back to mine.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I really don’t.”

“Then why do you do it if you don’t actually enjoy it?” I asked. “What’s the sense of being some fake sadist? You’re not impressing me with this, you know. I don’t want you to hurt me for real. I’m not into pain – like serious pain, the kind you made me feel on Wednesday night.”

“I got carried away,” he said softly.

“That doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in any future playdates we have. You know that, right?” He nodded.

“I get it,” he said. “And I don’t blame you if you’d rather not take the chance. I’d had a really, really bad day. And I shouldn’t have brought it into our world.”

“You’re right,” I said. “I’d had a bad day, too.”

“Why didn’t you say something?” he asked.

“Why didn’t you?” I countered. “Besides, in the grand scheme of things, you’re holding most of the cards here. If I have a bad day and get carried away, I’m more bratty than usual or don’t submit early enough. When you do, you nearly draw blood on me. See the difference?”

“So what do we do?”

I mulled it over. “I think we should both have the option of tapping out.” He snorted, but I saw he understood what I meant. “If we know we’re not in the right headspace to play nicely, we shouldn’t play at all. And the other person has to respect this. Otherwise . . . bad things can happen.”

“Agreed,” he said.

“So there’s no bringing outside things inside our dates,” I confirmed. “I have to be able to trust that you’re going to live up to this agreement. Can I trust you?”

“Absolutely,” he said. I saw nothing but earnestness in his face. He reached over and took my hand where it sat on the table. “Hayley, I want you to be able to trust me, and I’m sorry I ever did anything to make you doubt me. I have loved spending time with you, and I want to spend more time. But I want you to be able to enjoy it with an open heart. Or else what’s the point?”

I felt warm and good inside when I heard him say that. I knew he meant it, too. If nothing else, Hunter was a sincerely nice person.

But that sincerely nice person had a side to him that led him to hurt me. I couldn’t forget that so easily. The pain may have faded, but the memory hadn’t. I knew I’d have to be careful going forward. And there was no way I could open my heart to him as I had obviously been ready to do before that last incident.