Page 12 of The Heir

He nodded and pointed to a chair at the front of the class. A boy with brown-blond hair and brown eyes was sitting in the seat next to mine. After I sat down, I realized that it was Sam, one of Ryker’s friends from football. He turned to me.

“Hey, Emma. Did you have a good summer?”

I gave a slight smile. “Yeah, I did—thanks,” I managed to say.

He nodded an accepting nod before putting his head down on his desk.

I looked at him, thinking he was pretty cute, and if I had met him my freshman year, I would have liked attention from him.That is a weird thing for you to be thinking.I wanted to date, but I never really looked at boys and classified them as cute or whatever. I had never pursued anyone before.I mean, I have Ryker. Other guys had shown interest in me, like the boy from my horrible junior high dance fiasco. I was even a cheerleader once upon a time. I groaned, just thinking about that. My mom wanted me to involve myself more at school, and Karen, my only friend other than Ryker at the time, was trying out, so I just went along with it. Most of the time, looking back at that part of my life, I had felt like some sort of zombie, walking stoically through it all. In so many ways, it felt like I had truly awakened over the summer. Like, even before my parents’ passing, I was never that way.

What changed?Was it their passing that changed me? Maybe–

A huge part of me gave most of the credit to my neighbor, Shad, who had caused me to feel things I had never felt before. There were times when I remembered awesome moments with Ryker, but most of that was just a blur; those times were very confusing, especially because the cheer squad was sonotme. Why had I even tried out?Oh right, because of my mom and Karen.She had tried to get me more involved at school, wanted me to try new things, and so I tried cheerleading—which was abig mistake, namely because of Karen. Not everyone was a good friend to me like Ryker was. I had learned that lesson the hard way.

I entertained the possibility that maybe I never really understood who I was. I mean, I had always been a total follower, and even though following others was what I had done for my entire life, after my parents’ deaths, it didn’t seem like somethingIwoulddo anymore. Great—now you sound like an even more crazy person, Emma.But seriously, after my parents’ death, I had felt such pain and sorrow. Hadn’t it flooded through me like a bursting dam? I had never experienced emotions like that before. I thought at first,of course I would feel that way; I had just lost my parents. But then, in truth, I questioned:when had I ever cried? Ever screamed? Ever yelled before their passing?I remembered laughing, sometimes, with my dad, and hugging my mom a few times, but after the car crash, things changed. There was a rush of so many feelings, feelings I could not cope with. Then, I met Shad, and he seemed to re-start whatever lifeless existence I had beenliving. Once, I was so numb; once, I was too intense—and suddenly? I felt alive in the best of ways, like I could be myself even though I didn’t know who I really was. Andwhy is that?How could someone, at sixteen, not know who they are, at least just a little bit?It felt to me that I was like that princess,Sleeping Beauty,from mom’s storybook, the one who had awakened from a three hundred year slumber after waiting all that time forher princeto wake her up–andnotwith a kiss–at least that was how Mom’s story went.

I looked at Sam, who was frowning as he listened to the teacher lecturing.

Some people had assumed over the years that Ryker and I were a couple.Nope.That had never been the case. He had never made a single move on me, even though there were timesover the years when I thought it would be easier for us to just be together. As time went on, I forgot aboutthataltogether. I thought that there would be enough time later on to figure out if Ryker and I could ever be a couple. Truthfully, I had no true desire to date him, but my mother and father had been best friends before marrying–just like Ryker and I, so I believed we were compatible and, perhaps, each other’s best choice.

But if Ryker thought of me as anything other than a friend, he had never expressed it. I knew that he just thought of me as a friend, and although that made the possibility of being with him, someday, shatter, it hadn’t even hurt me.That is strange, isn’t it?I asked myself. Because, when you love someone and they don’t feel the same way about you, it should hurt, right? I mean, I knew Ryker loved me,but he isn’t romantically in love with me, right?I assured myself. It would have been so convenient for us to date, seeing as we were always together, but that wasn’t why people dated. I still thought highly of him. I did love him and needed him in my life; I couldn’t imagine my life without him.Is that romantic love?I wondered.

No it is not.

My soul knew when I was trying to convince myself of a lie.

Before I knew it, class was over, and I was on my way to second period.That wasn’t so bad, I told myself;one period down, and three more to go!I found the classroom for my second period at the back of the campus; unfortunately, it was a very long walk.

In class, our math teacher had all of us students line up before directing us to our assigned tables. I folded up my schedule and headed in the direction her finger indicated. A boy and a girl were already there. I walked to the table, ready for stupid conversations, and I honestly wanted to cry.Okay—I really need to figure out these feelings and emotions. No one is dying; this is just math class, Emma. I remembered my determination: Ihad to make that year different. I would give no one any reason to believe that anything was wrong with me.

My mother taught me when I was younger that “sometimes when you are afraid, the only thing you can do is take a deep breath, close your eyes, and just jump.” I, of course, had received that advice from her when I was seven and she had urged me to jump from the high dive during my swimming lesson when she thought I wasn't going to jump from the ten foot high dive. I had not really been afraid back then, but the same advice she had given me then definitely applied to Operation make-everyone-think-I-am-fine because, for the first time, I truly understood the lesson. Back then, I thought it strange that she thought I would mind jumping. Finally—I got it:people have fears.Maybe I never had fears before, which, let’s be honest, is starting to really weird-me-out, but I can handle this; even if I was a zombie before, that doesn’t mean I am one now,I argued for myself.

Maybe I needed to read a book about zombies. Maybe that would help.

I was not only afraid tojump, I was afraid to interact with my classmates even though I was a nearly grown young woman. I was afraid of conversations that would lead to opening up my dark life and my deep despair to others. I took a deep breath, letting oxygen fill me up as if I were a cup of water under the spout of a pitcher that was empty, for all of its contents were already mine. I decided that I would just “jump”—or in that case, keep my eyes open and take my seat.

The girl to the left was of an average size and height. She had dark brown, wavy hair that just hit her shoulders. She wore a cheerleader uniform in Columbia blue, white, and navy blue. She turned and glared at me. I wanted to scream. It was Karen. The boy sitting across from her was tan with light brown hair. Hiseyes were a light gray. His features, though arranged well, were harsh, and he looked rather upset as I sat down.

I pulled out a notebook and a pencil. The door opened, and Shad walked in. I felt my heart beating so quickly, and I couldn't get enough oxygen. I thought I was drowning. Was it possible that I would not be able to reach the pool’s surface even after my courageous jump from the high dive? I regained my senses; I wished and I prayed that my astonishment at seeing him walk through the door would not be too obvious. I brushed a strand of hair from my face. I did not know that I could feel that way, thatthis is what living feels like.

I watched as the teacher looked down at her seating chart, and I lost my breath as she pointed to the table whereIsat. I tried, really hard, not to stare—but failed miserably.

Shad is incredibly stare-at-able. Is that a word? Because he is it.

He smiled at me as he pulled out his chair and took a seat. Before I could even try to say something like, “hi,” the teacher started talking.I am sitting across from Shad,I thought with a gleeful inner squeal. I tried to tame my racing heart. It was no small task to accomplish. His hair was a night sky without any stars. His eyes were bright and warm like the sun. I was mesmerized by his face as if I had never seen him before. How handsome he looked just sitting there, his face relaxed, attentive to the teacher. His strong jaw and defined cheekbones added to his beauty. As the teacher continued lecturing, I wished that I were no longer alive. How could I sit across fromhim? Feelings rushed through me and made me feel too many emotions all at once. I pulled out my notebook and took another peek at his face to find out that he was suddenly looking at me, and in a very strange, confused, buthappyway? Maybe? I tried to avert my gaze quickly. I was sure that my obvious awe of him was apparent on my face. I turned to look at Karen, and I wasthankful that she was ignoring me. I looked at the math book in front of me and realized, again in horror, that I was in an advanced math class. There was nothing advanced about my math skills. I couldn’t stop my mind from freaking out.I am going to flunk this classfor certain, and will I humiliate myself in the process? Yes. And in front of this intoxicating, gorgeous boy? Oh, Great.I felt a hard jab to my side and turned to face Karen.

“Um, are you going to drool?” Thankfully, she whispered the question to me. I very stealthily stepped on her foot, and she winced in pain and grunted.

“Shut up,” I said back, glaring at her. I wasn’t afraid of her:Hello Karen, I am not an emotionless zombie with no backbone anymore!

“Hey, you’re new, right?” I shrunk back into my chair as Karen’s voice rose in volume so that everyone could hear it at our table, and possibly at every table in the class.

I looked at Shad, and he looked directly intomyeyes. I was a little self-conscious. What was he doing?It is his gaze that is lighting up my soul.The melody played in my head, just for him, once again, and I could not stop the crazy emotions that bubbled up inside of me, looking to escape. His lips lifted into a smile. Finally, after the faraway look left his eyes, he spoke tomeas he answered Karen’s question.

“Yes.”

I tried not to focus on his eyes, but they were too unreal for words. I could not look away, even if I’d wanted to.What is the matter with me?I’d seen cute boys before—even had earlier that day.Sam,he was cute, and I had noticed, but I hadn’t almost hyperventilated or passed out from looking at him.What is it about this boy?

“Yeah, duh,” the gray-eyed boy said, interrupting my thoughts. “Why else would we not know him?”