Page 89 of The Heir

What things?I thought.

That you want me—that you want to kiss me. Please, you are making it really difficult for me to be a gentleman.

I watched him as he fixed his hair, watched as he studied me, fear in his eyes.

What if–what if I do not want you to be a gentleman?

He took a deep, sharp breath, and I swear, his eyes almost glowed.

“I am sorry, Shad. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, exactly. Why can’t I want to kiss you?”

“We cannot kiss, Emma. I am sorry, but there are things that we need to discuss, and we cannot right now, not at this moment. I should be in better control around you,” he cleared his throat.

“Control?” I laced my fingers together, and I tried to not let his words cut me, not let them dig into me, but they did, and my melody was pierced, crying, and bleeding, and I thought:Why are you afraid? What have I done?

I am not afraid of you, Emma. You have done nothing.He finally walked closer to me, taking my hands in his, and I felt our souls bending together once again. “It’s just that there are so many things you don’t know about me, about Terra, and about who you are. Your mother’s storybook does not hold many things that transpired after her arrival here–I don’t want us to go too fast. I don’t want to ruin what this is between us—our beautiful friendship.”

Friendship—

Friendship—

Friendship—

I repeated that word in my head over and over and over, and it felt wrong; it didn’t feel right, and I hated it. I hated the shape of it on my tongue; I hated the sound of it from Shad’s mouth; I hated the way it floated to me in the air. I hated each letter, each sound they made, and the syllables and their individual shapes. Had I read every single thing wrong?

“I understand this is strange for you, so let’s worry about finding Ryker, and the rest—we will figure it all out later.”

“Later?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“When?” I was too shocked and confused to even form a sentence.

“After we find Ryker, we can talk and figure this out—after that.”

There was a long pause, and we just stared at each other. I never wanted another thing to look at, just those eyes–just him. He was the sunshine I had always needed in my life, but had never realized it; I had only ever known cloudy days.

“But Shad, I know what I want.”

“Emma,” he breathed out my name in desperation. “I am sorry to disappoint you, Emma, but it is simply that kissing to me, kissing on thelips, isn’t something taken lightly on Terra. It is–something Ancient Heir’s of Terra vow to cherish and with that vow, we make a promise that can never be undone–”

“I don’t take it lightly, either,” I said in irritation. I had never kissed anyone before–never wanted to, even, not before him. Picking up some sticks for kindling—trying to distract myself from the confusion that was roaring inside of me. “I have never even been kissed, for real, before. It’s not like I want to kiss everyone.”Only you.

“I know you don’t, but people in this realm do not embrace the Ancients and their magic. They think of kisses differently, so I could understand you feeling different. And this connection weshare, it makes you feel things for me, and I don’t want that to confuse you.”

“What, now that you kissed me on the cheek, not even my lips, we have to marry?” I asked with a laugh as I looked at Shad.

His face paled, and he looked worried as he brushed a hand over his face. “I am so sorry. I never should have gotten so close to you—kissed you, even like that; I never should have kissed you at all. Please, forgive me, Emma. Our connection is really strong, and I am sorry—”

Is being with me really that horrible? That regretful?

I was a broken vase on the floor.

“A kiss for a sworn Ancient Heir, is like a vow, a promise. Maybe for you, a good comparison would be like a marriage proposal of sorts. It is a serious, well thought-out, and planned tradition.” He bent down and picked up a stick. “I just can't do that when I desire to, I must show restraint. When I kiss a maiden, Emma, on her lips, it will be because she will be the one I will vow myself to—and she will vow herself to me. I don’t think you are ready for that, and that is okay.”

At that moment, I knew he was right. I knew that I didn’t want to get married, nor did I want to make some sort of magical vow–right then. I wasn’t ready for that. I knew I was too young; that would be insane. But, the pain from his words struck me as if he had taken the broken pieces of me and stepped on them, slowly crushing me into dust. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, that no one at our age would want marriage, or even think seriously about it. And while I wanted to date him, how could I, at sixteen, know who I was supposed to marry? I liked Shad, but marriage? He was right; maybe it was good that we had not kissed, especially if it meantthatto him. Maybe it was also good that we had not kissed because I wasn’t sure about anything in my life anymore. Knowing all that hurt.Maybe this connection is making me feel things too strongly.

“I am not ready to get married, not yet,” I whispered.