Page 30 of Duty and Desire
Scarlett stood up, a renewed sense of purpose solidifying within her. The battle had shown her what really mattered, what she couldn’t live without. And that was Ros. She might lose everything by pursuing this, but she knew in her heart that she had to try. With a final look at her friend, Scarlett turned and headed toward Ros's quarters, her heart pounding with a mix of fear and determination. She knew the risks, the potential fallout, but for once in her life, she was ready to face it all head-on. She wasn’t going to let fear dictate her choices any longer.
12
ROS
Pinkish-orange light spilled through the cracks of Ros’s curtains as she sat on the bed with her head grasped in her hands. The sunset’s calming hues could not pierce the void she felt within herself. Her crumpled bed sheets, so unlike her usual regimented self, still smelled ever so faintly of Scarlett, her sweet, spiced bergamot and amber. Ros hadn’t been able to bring herself to wash her sheets, to remove the last vestige of what had been. Of her. Still, the scent had kept her up at night ever since their conversation only a few nights ago. When she had ended it. It was for the best, it was necessary, she kept telling herself over and over. A mantra, as though she was having to convince herself of its truth too.
But had it been for the best? That doubt, that longing was creeping in constantly. She missed Scarlett with a hunger and pain she had not felt before. Certainly, ending her previous flings had not filled her with this sense of loss. Those, though, had been different; she had always known they would end, that they were temporary while she was on leave. And she thought Scarlett had been the same, some quick-lived thrill, a brief companion. Her heart had decided differently.
She’d thought by ending it that these feelings, this weakness, this fear would dissipate. That she could focus once more. But no. Her stomach was still clenched and her heart revolted knowing that Scarlett had been in danger. So had she, so had every other person on this base, and yet she had only cared about Scarlett.
Blocking the light from the room had been her last resort at finding peace, yet she had found none. Images of Scarlett’s joy, her head thrown back in laughter, her teasing smile, the way her eyes sparkled in delight played like a slideshow behind Ros’s eyelids. It was torture. God, how was she supposed to keep sending her into danger?
Who knew love could hurt so, so much?
A sharp knock filled the silence. Who could need something more from her after such a harrowing day?
“Unless the world is ending, it can wait till tomorrow. And the world had better really be ending.”
Blessed silence was the reply, thank fuck. She really had no energy left. Let her wallow.
She was preparing to slouch back into her covers to allow self pity swallow her entirely when a soft click caught her attention.
Had someone just let themselves into her quarters? Who the fuck was senseless to do that? Shit, she’d have to deal with them now. Eyes ablaze, she heaved herself up and threw open the door, ready to unleash all her pent-up frustration at the unfortunate soul on the other side.
Scarlett’s dulled hazel eyes met her gaze, and the fight abandoned her immediately. With her messy auburn hair hanging limp and unkempt, Scarlett looked broken. She imagined she didn’t look any better herself, but she’d studiously avoided looking in the mirror since their breakup and couldn’t bear to look herself in the eyes, as if she could live with what she’d done.
“God, Scarlett.”
She wanted to rush over, to take the younger woman into her arms, to hold her, to fix it, to fix everything. After their last talk, Ros didn’t think it would be welcomed.
“We need to talk, Ros.”
“Yes, yes, we do.”
“I deserve a proper explanation, Ros. Not you pushing me away, hiding things from me. Maybe you really don’t want me or this. But you owe me the truth at least. Not that bullshit about duty and honor.”
“You’re right. I should be honest with you.”
She wished she had been prepared for this conversation and had been able to practice her words, but perhaps it was better that it wasn’t rehearsed. It would be more genuine that way.
“The truth. The truth is that I had to. No, seriously, wait. I’ll explain.” She rushed as Scarlett began to turn away, “I did want this. I do want this. Scarlett, what we had was the most real thing I’ve felt in my whole life. How could I not want that? Hale figured it out, and I’m not faulting him. He did his job, and he brought it to me rather than reporting us as he really ought to have. He gave me the choice: end it or he’d go over my head.”
“Hale, really? I never thought he’d be one to snitch.”
“Ah, it’s not like that, Scarlett. My rank is so much higher than yours. Think about how it looks. I could destroy you if we’d ended badly. Or I could have forced you into things. I get where Hale’s coming from; I had the same worries when we were just dancing around each other. I was so worried I’d abuse my power. I’ve seen it happen before. No, I can’t blame Hale for following the rules. I’d have likely done the same.” She took a second, catching her breath before continuing. “I couldn’t put you in that position. Like I said, I couldn’t destroy your career for my selfishness. So yes, I pushed you away. I thought if you hated me or regretted me, it would make it easier for you to move on.”
“You’re an idiot, Rosalind. You couldn’t make me hate you. You hurt me, yes. Deeply. But I needed you with me. I’d never regret what we have.”
“Well, looks like it didn’t work after all. You’re here, aren’t you?”
“Couldn’t let it end like that, Ros. You never left my mind. You’re all I could think about.”
“Seems like a common affliction. I haven’t been able to shake you from my head either. It’s just filled with memory after memory of you, of us.”
“Fuck, Ros. What are we going to do?” Scarlett asked with a weak, watery chuckle.
“Damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I want you Scarlett. I want us. I’ve never felt like this before. No one’s made me feel like you do. It’s like my soul is a void without you there. My arms, my bed feel empty without you in them.”