Page 109 of Perfect Enough
Shocked, I took a step back. “What? Why?”
“You’re not the only one who feels guilt, Josh. Every hour on the hour, I wonder why it wasn’t me. Whyhim? Maybe if I had been in the kitchen with him those few extra moments might have made a difference. What about Lincoln or Brock, who both desperately tried to save him, how do you think they feel? I stood here in this very kitchen and couldn’t do a damn thing to save my husband.”
“Grams,” I started, but stopped when she held up her hand.
“Josh, grief is a powerful, powerful thing. I dealt with it when my parents died, when your uncle Beck died, and now with your grandfather. I would give anything to have him standing here with us in this kitchen.Anything. But do you know what I do when I start to feel like I’m drowning in my grief? I think about all the years Ididhave him here by my side. I think of the love he felt for me, his kids, his grandchildren. I think about how Beck sent his son to meet his grandfather and he got to spend the few precious years with him that he had. Your grandfather loved hard, and he was loved even harder.
“Your grandfather had a wonderful life, and as pissed off as I am that he’s gone, I’m so thankful I had him in the first place. I know for a fact he wouldn’t want me to drown in the grief, just like he wouldn’t want you to, either. Or in guilt. He would wantto see you live on in his memory. He’s not gone, Josh. He’s right here.” She placed a hand on my chest, over my heart, and one on hers. “He willalwaysbe a part of us.”
I felt the tears roll down my face and closed my eyes. “I messed things up with Sophia, and I’m not sure she’s ever going to forgive me.”
The feel of my grandmother’s arms around me caused me to open my eyes. I wiped at the tears. “I’m so sorry. You’ve got so much on your plate, and here I am, putting my problems on your shoulders.”
“That’s what I’m here for, Josh. You’re not putting anything on my shoulders. Now, finish those apples and tell me what happened.”
I walked over to the sink, splashed my face with cold water, and washed my hands. I got back to work on the apples…and I told her everything. I even told her how I’d been saving myself, how Sophia had denied me the night of the memorial, and how poorly I’d treated her afterward.
“Why were you ignoring her texts, Joshua?”
“I was embarrassed, mostly. For the way I’d acted. And I felt horrible for hurting her. I wanted to reply, but I wasn’t sure what to say. I was so rude, and I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to see me again.”
“Oh, I don’t think that’s the case. I saw the way she looks at you.”
Smiling, I glanced at her. “Really?”
She laughed. “Josh, she’s in love with you.”
I nodded. “She kind of told me she was. Not directly…I don’t think she meant to say it.”
Grams waved her hand in the air. “I watched three of my sons fall madly in love, and I knew before any ofthemdid. It was the same with your grandfather,” she said with a warm smile. “Iknew he was in love with me before he did. He’d probably tell you the same thing.”
Smiling, I said, “I’m going to miss him so much.”
Her smile faded some. “I am, too. But I have all of you to keep my mind busy. And, of course, to keep me busy leading you down the right path when you’ve strayed so terribly far from it.”
We both laughed, and it felt so damn good. I could tell even Grams was feeling a bit better.
She put the rolled crust into a pie plate, wiped her hands on her apron, and turned to face me. “Now, let’s talk about what to do about you and Sophia.”
Nate looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “You want me to do what?”
“Call Sophia and tell her you need to speak to her about me.”
“She’s going to think something’s wrong with you.”
“Somethingiswrong. My life isn’t complete without her in it.”
Nate rolled his eyes. “Oh, God, you sound like my dad when he talks about my mother.”
Smiling, I replied, “I’ll take that as a compliment. Now, are you going to help me with this or not?”
“I’m not lying to her to get her here. I don’t feel right about doing that.”
“Did I ask you to lie?”
He folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the kitchen counter. His gaze swept over all the food on the island, the pots on the stove, and the open cookbook Grams had given me. Half the pages were marked with recipes she’d said I needed to cook.
“Why didn’t you just hire a caterer to make all this food? You’re making a huge mess.”