Page 27 of Stopped
“Mn,” I grunted, not willing to admit how very right he was, nor wanting to actually discuss all the burdens that plagued me.
“Breakfast? I can rustle up eggs and toast… maybe.”
“I’d rather stay just like this if it pleases.” To drive home my point, I captured him in my arms and dragged him onto my chest.
“Jesus,” EJ muttered with a muffled laugh. “You really are a muscle jock.”
“Pardon?”
EJ laughed in earnest at my befuddlement. “Lionel said you were a classic muscle jock. I argued his point at first, but the fact of the matter is… you kinda are.”
“If you aren’t careful, I really will become jealous.” Lies—I already was jealous but not because of their history as a couple. I was a regular ole Jelly Green Giant over their easy relationship and effortless chemistry, even if there was zero chance of them giving their relationship another shot. My issue was definitely a me issue. My low mood and overwrought emotional state just exacerbated all my little insecurities.
“Don’t be jealous, babe. You’re here now. And,” he murmured with a grin before nipping at my collarbone. “I have every intention of keeping you exactly like this.”
“Tease.” I squirmed until I could switch our positions, earning me a surprised yip and another peel of laughter. God, his laugh could heal the deepest of wounds. I honestly couldn’t believe I’d gone without hearing it for over ten years. The familiar wave of icy cold guilt crept up my spine and apparently into my expression.
“Hey, come back to me.” EJ lifted his hands to cradle my cheeks. “We’rehereright now. Got it?”
His eyes glittered in the bright golden sun of the autumn morning and I really was right here in the moment for a blissful second. I didn’t worry about work or my father or ourtroubled past and my lingering guilt for how poorly I’d handled everything. In a singular flash of clarity, I knew in my heart I was absolutely where I was always meant to be. There weren’t any words that would do the job of adequately expressing the depths of what I was feeling, so I did the only thing that made any sense at all—I blanketed his lips with mine and hoped that his crazy intuition would absorb what I wasn’t able to say.
Lost to the intimacy of a kiss that I wanted to pour my entire heart and soul into, I corralled him in my arms and pulled myself further down over him until a gentle hand pushed at my shoulder and forced me to break from his utterly distracting mouth.
“Hey… raincheck.” He peppered my cheeks with tinier kisses, barely brushing his lips over my heated skin. “I had plans to feed and water you before you wilt like my houseplants.”
I chuckled and chased his kisses to no avail. He was stubborn as a mule when he wanted to be.
“Seriously, you might have more muscles,” he grunted and forced me off his chest with a huff of laughter. “But I can still out-wrestle you.”
I ceded without much argument. Frankly, it was appealing to have him manhandle me, even if I could have easily tipped the scales in my favor. The game was more fun this way, though. Feeling infinitely lighter than I had in days, I let my boyfriend drag me out of bed and gladly accepted the sweatpants and sweatshirt that I knew would be too tight but would don anyway.
It was altogether too easy to fall into the trap of thinking this was my life and that I had nothing to worry about. We’d always moved together with effortless ease, reading one another’s body language and anticipating one another’s moves in a way that had us achieving anything and everything as though working through a well-choreographed dance routine. I made coffee while he preheated the frying pan. I handled the toast as hefried the eggs. I found his dishware without issue as he reached around me to grab silverware. Anyone on the outside looking in would assume I’d lived here alongside him for years and we’d been a couple for even longer. If only that were the case.
As soon as we sat down to enjoy our simple breakfast, the atmosphere took on an uncomfortable edge. The instant I looked at his face across the tiny table, I could tell he had something to say and that I probably wouldn’t like it. The same slick slime dread I’d felt the first time my father didn’t recognize me pooled in my stomach as my fork hovered over the eggs. There’d been a distinct pattern of loss happening in my life, and I honestly didn’t think I would be able to handle yet another—not after the most recent issues with my father.
“So,” EJ started, but I cut him off with a finger to his lips.
“No. Not yet.”
A slow arch of his eyebrow would have normally made me laugh, but the fear of his imminent rejection stole any levity I’d scrabbled together over the course of the morning. He tugged my hand away and laced our fingers together with a look of pity that I wanted to shut my eyes to avoid seeing.
“Will—”
“Please, no.” Ever the coward, I did, in fact, lower my eyelids.
“Babe, talk to me. What has you freaking out right now?”
“I’m not ready to break up. I refuse. I need this, EJ. I needyou.”
“Oh, love. I’m not breaking up with you. That’s insane.” He set his fork down and reached across the distance to brush a thumb over my cheek. I was ashamed to realize it came away wet. “I was going to suggest that we just press pause, guilt-free and no worries. Just until you get things settled with your dad and I get done figuring out the campaign. You don’t need my stress on top of everything you’re dealing with.”
I shook my head and let my fork fall to the plate with a clatter. “That sounds an awful lot like breaking up, just in fancy packaging.”
“Will, no. I’m not—”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I messed up this week and I’m sorry I messed up ten years ago and I’m sorry my life is a complete disaster. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s best if we ‘press pause’ or whatever you want to call it until I am not living in a chaotic mess—”
“Stop. It.” EJ rose from his seat with a screech of wood over linoleum, rounding the table to capture my face between his palms. “Stop for one fucking second and justbreathe, dammit.”