Page 7 of Stopped
Raine had called me mopey every day during shift handover. The people I ran into regularly kept asking me if I was feeling okay. My friends were on their way over for what would likely be an interrogation. Hell, even my Dad, with all his memory issues, noticed the change in me. All because I was too scared to open my mouth and apologize.
More importantly, and perhaps a large part of my struggle, was the fact that, when confronted with the brief moment of vulnerability that came with standing face to face with him inhis kitchen, I wanted to forego talking all together and kiss him till we were both stupid. The urge struck so hard that I ran. Not because I was afraid of what I was feeling but because the idea of being rejected the way I rejected him made the whole thing so overwhelming and monumental andrealthat I couldn't breathe.
I kept myself busy in the backyard to prepare for when my friends would descend. Summer was quickly drawing to a close—the nights were cooler, the trees and landscaping all looked tired and ready to go dormant at the first sign of frost, and the grass was dry and coarse. We were going to take advantage of the warm weather for as long as we had it. The charcoal in my little grill was rosy and smoldering just right. The cooler was stocked full in the shade. I'd even dragged the cornhole game out of the shed. My buddies and I had vastly different lives now that we had grown into men, but we would always have our love of sports and games and competitiveness to bond us together.
Josh was the first to arrive, lugging baby Grayson and enough equipment to stock a children’s supply store with him. Since Raine was on shift tonight, we’d all be helping play babysitter. I didn't mind it one bit, scooping up the little pudge as soon as Josh ambled into the backyard.
“Who’s my baby?” My saccharine sweet baby talk earned me a belly laugh from the little blondie. I flew him across the yard to admire the weary blooms in the garden beds.
“Me, me, me!” Josh chuckled and stretched his back after dropping the playpen and diaper bag beside a lawn chair. “How you been, Will?”
“Eh, fine.” I play-nipped at Grayson’s little fingers with a brighter smile than I'd had all week. “You?”
“Tired but ready to call bullshit on your story. Raine said you've been acting like someone kicked your dog for days, and since you don't have a dog, I'm curious.”
With a scowl, I turned away from him. “Your daddy doesn't know what he’s talking about.” I propped the baby on my hip and needlessly fussed over my grilling utensils.
“Come on, man. Don't be stubborn—”
“Woohoo! Let’s get ready to rumble!” Voices and cheers emanating from the side yard announced the arrival of more people. Benjamin Tully’s cries were instantly recognizable. He was by far the most exaggerated of our group. His shaggy blond hair, brighter in color after a whole summer of running his lawn care business, was corralled under a backward baseball cap. It was the same damn cap we’d all worn as part of the varsity baseball team.
Dennis and Cameron followed behind, joining in on the carousing as they hefted a cooler between them. Dennis was a Park Ranger for the local forest preserve. Cam worked as a ski instructor in the winter and supplemented his income over the summer with guided hiking tours and fly fishing trips. Needless to say, we were all outdoorsy, active, and reluctant to sit still for too long. We were only missing one of our friends, but Tony was on duty as an EMT tonight. Such was the way of adulthood—work, work, and the occasional, rare miracle of being able to arrange schedules for fun.
As soon as everyone got settled, we began a game of hot potato with baby Grayson. We all loved this kid like he was our own. Josh was the only one in our friend group with a kid, and we’d made a pledge to him the day he told us about it that it wouldn't change a thing. We’d lied—it changed everything but for the better. He never felt left behind because we were all dedicated to making sure we accommodated the newest member of our little circle. Six months in, Grayson had five doting uncles and a healthy appreciation for barbecues, bonfires, and cornhole.
The yard was soon filled with the scent of hot dogs and hamburgers as I manned the grill with a beer in hand. I wasn'tgoing to comment on the fact that it was the same brand of beer EJ had offered me the day I tucked my tail between my legs and ran. A sigh fell from my lips, unbidden, as I eyed the label before taking a long drink from the pale amber liquid.
“Bro, you were right.” Benji shook his head and propped his hands on his hips. “It's bad. Like, code red shit.”
“Told ya!” Dennis elbowed Benji before reaching over to scoop Grayson out of Josh’s arms. “He's hit rock bottom, sad puppy status.”
“Oh, shut it.” I clacked the tongs at Dennis and earned a peel of laughter from the baby for it.
“Give it to us straight. What’s up?” Cameron looped an arm around my neck and jostled me to and fro. “Girl? Guy? Work? Dad?”
I laughed and shook my head, stealing a glance at the back door. They all knew the deal—I was stuck in limbo with one foot in the closet and one out. My dad was a full-blown homophobic asshole. He was the entire reason I had panicked after experiencing the most mind-blowing kiss of my life courtesy of my best friend behind the school bleachers.
“It’s… it’s EJ.” I flicked my eyes back toward the group.
“Did you get to talk to him?” Benji perked up with a huge grin. “Bro, did you finally ask him out?”
“No. God, could you imagine that conversation?” I shook my head and flipped a few more hot dogs. “Hi, sorry I was a total dick and treated you like a leper. PS I'm gay, always have been, wanna hang?”
“Hey guys, speaking of… I saw a guy yesterday in a suit and… wooo. Man. I think I might be a little gay.” Benji. Sweet, sweet Benji. If there was ever a man who could perfectly encapsulate the term himbo, it was him. “That’s a thing, right? Could I be like eighty-twenty gay but only for guys in suits?”
“Yeah. Yeah, that's a thing, Benj.” I shook my head and stifled a laugh.
“Sweet. Hold up… Did I just come out?”
We all exchanged glances, checking his expression to see how serious he was. The sweet summer child was staring back, earnest and as serious as I'd ever seen him.
“Congrats, man.” Dennis clapped him on the shoulder. “Welcome to the club.”
“Aww, shit. That’s so awesome for me!” Benji fist-pumped with a whoop.
Grateful that the attention was off me for a while, I concentrated on the food, needlessly flipping and turning things on the grill as I half-listened to Cam and Benji discussing, of all things, suit porn. The fact that Cam was holding six-month-old Grayson while showing Benji things on his phone didn't seem to bother anyone. Raine would flip her lid. I laughed under my breath just as Josh appeared at my side with a fresh beer from the cooler for me.
“Your kid’s first word is going to be ‘hung' if you don't stop those two.” I jerked my chin toward our friends.