Page 19 of Where You Are

After the crowd has mostly cleared out, Matt gets to his feet and offers me his hands, pulling me to stand.

“Want to go for a walk?” he asks with that sweet, coaxing smile of his, and hell no do I want to go home yet.

“Sure,” I agree, with what I hope is a smile that’s equally as charming, as he takes my hand and leads me down the hill and towards the path that surrounds the pond. He puts his other hand in his pocket as we lazily stroll past rose and peony bushes, the light of the lamps reflecting off the water as we continue to chat idly about little things and big things. I find out he barely knew his dad before he left when he and his sister were small, and how his stepdad came into the picture not too long after and acted as their father figure in every possible way, which makes me feel so happy for him.

It’s possibly the most romantic date I’ve ever been on. It gets only a hair uncomfortable when a question from him comes out of nowhere.

“Ever been in love?” he asks me, and I’m baffled at how casually the question left his mouth.

“Uh… no,” I answer delicately as I think back to the one person I felt something for and considered a future with. “Thought I was headed that way once… but no.” I finish with a light-hearted shrug.

“Who was that?” he asks, lifting his head, and again, I’m taken aback.

“Do you really want to know the answer to that? And does it matter?”

“I suppose not,” he says, looking around before back to me. “All just part of getting to know you, I guess. Helps me to know where you’ve been - besides just geographically,” he grins.

“Okay,” I say lightly nodding, trying not to feel awkward as I try to get it out quick. “Anthony. I dated him in college. He was a grad student and we were together a little over a year.” I still shake my head at the memory of that guy. On paper, we were a very unlikely match, him, the clean-cut, grad student going for his MBA in marketing, or something like that. That part I can’t remember. And for some reason, I, the free-spirited, graphic design undergrad caught his eye. He always joked it was the sundress I was wearing the first time he saw me. While we weren’t each other’s usual type, he insisted that he was so taken by me, and that everything that was different about me was what he loved. I couldn’t help but enjoy his sweetness and charm.

“What happened?” Matt gently prods. I guess part of getting to know a prospective partner is finding out why their previous relationships didn’t work out, which I can accept, as unpleasant as it may be to talk about.

“A number of things,” I say, lifting a shoulder. “We were very different for one thing, and that was probably always bound to catch up with us. And also… there was that night I told you I don’t remember.”

“The one that made you put restrictions on your drinking?” I nod. “What did he have to do with that?” His eyebrows draw together with concern and I detect a hint of anger, far down beneath his words.

“Nothing,” I hurry to assure him. “If anything, he was really sweet and supportive. He reassured me heavily that nothing scary had happened and that he was by my side, looking after me the whole time. It’s just… I don’t know. Something shifted after that. Things just felt off and I could never put my finger on it.”

He lightly nods, looking down at the ground but the lines of his face don’t relax.

“Actually,” I say, lightening my voice, “the proverbial cherry on top was when he came with me to one of your shows,” I say with a smirk, trying to hook him and get him over to the lighter side of the conversation.

“What?” His eyebrows draw in more, but the rest of his face relaxes. Good. “I don’t remember you bringing a guy to a show.”

“That’s because you were already on stage when we showed up, and he was gone before you finished. That was the night we broke up, actually,” I regale him.

“What the hell happened?” I see a slight hint of a smile come over his face as he prods me for more info.

“By then, things had just gotten to a really weird place anyway, but he was so rude, starting with how he acted too good to be in that place. It was one of the seedier places you guys played, but still I didn’t have to hear it, and he was so disinterested. I mean, it was my brother’s band and he was sitting there looking bored out of his tree, not clapping or anything. He just dicked around on his phone,” I explain, my voice getting huffy. It’s the half-truth. What I don’t tell Matt is that the one time Anthony did speak up it was to say he didn’t get what the big deal about Jack’s band was. They were just a dime-a-dozen rock band that wouldn’t amount to anything beyond desperately playing dive bars the rest of their lives. That did it. I told him we were done and to get the hell out. After a little back-and-forth arguing, and protesting on his part, one of the doormen saw him out and I enjoyed the rest of the show myself.

“Well that’s unfortunate,” Matt says, tilting his head in a smirk, telling me he’s not a bit disappointed at that turn out. “In his defense, we were a long way from the AMA’s then,” he self-deprecatingly jokes with a grin.

“I don’t care. The way I saw it, that was my brother’s band and you guys were still damn good for your age and experience level.”And besides, you just don’t say shit like thatI think to myself as I look down at the cracks in the paved path.

“Well,” he smiles as I look back up. “Thank you for defending our honor.”

“Shut up,” I say indignantly, giving him a playful shove. He laughs and I can’t help but join him as his arm goes around my shoulders, drawing me in close as we continue our way around the dimly lit park.

MATT

I watch Mel in my peripheral the entire drive back to her place. With the top off of the Jeep, her hair is blowing in the humid night breeze, and I can’t resist placing my hand on her bare thigh and caress the soft skin of it with my thumb.

When we arrive, I walk her to the pool house, wanting so badly to follow her in yet reluctantly thinking better of it. When we reach the door, I take her by her hips to face me, and gently back her against the door, caging her in with a hand on either side of her.

“I want you to know something,” I grumble down at her as she looks up at me with anticipation in those green eyes, urging me to continue. “As much as I want to spend the night in bed with you again Em, I can’t let myself.”

She doesn’t answer but I can see the myriad of thoughts going through her mind when she casts her eyes downward for a moment and then back up at me, cuing me to explain myself further.

“Because once was hard enough. If I do it again, I’m not going to be able to keep my hands to myself. I guess I like still having something to look forward to with you.” I give her a warm smile that I hope smooths over my words, willing her to feel my desire for her. I want her to understand how sex with her is something that’s not going to be just the act; it’s going to be a moment so worth the anticipation. It’s like when you were a kid and Christmas morning came, there was always that moment when all the presents were opened and while you got everything you wanted, you couldn’t help that moment of deflation when you realized there were no more surprises to unwrap.