Page 64 of Where You Are
I freeze in my seat, my hand gripping the wheel as we just stare at each other. In her eyes is a combined look of realization, uncertainty and pain, and my heart cracks and starts to break again. A shadow of resignation falls over her face, like she’s reluctantly accepting that nothing is going to happen here, then she turns and resumes her stride, disappearing behind a hedge.
My very soul wants to throw the car in park and run after her. To catch up with her and pull her to me and hold her tight against me, infusing the light back into her. To say fuck everything else, forget the past and just love her.
But it’s currently in the ring with my pride. And my pride is one wounded, vengeful, stubborn asshole who has declared a grudge match, hell bent on redeeming himself. And while everything in me goes against him, in this moment, he wins this round.
MELANIE
Obviously I was going to see Matt again at some point, and I wasn’t naïve enough to think he’d be happy to see me, or even want to talk to me when I did. I prepared myself as much as humanly possible for the hurt I’d feel when that moment came, but it wasn’t enough for the cold, dark feeling that gripped my insides when I saw those blue eyes through his windshield.
Whenever I thought about it, I knew not to expect anything at all. Not a look or a word from him. But then I always thought that when I did see him, I would know ahead of time and didn’t think the moment would take me by surprise. I freeze. I can’t move, and I can’t look away from him.
Eventually, a bitter cold breeze blows, making my eyes water and forcing me to blink myself out of my stupor. When I realize I’m standing like a moron in the middle of the road staring at Matt, I do the first thing I think of and get out of the street. I resume my run, and once I’m on the sidewalk, I keep going. The look on Matt’s face seemed to share the same stunned, unsure what to do sentiment I felt, but it would only be a matter of time before it morphed into something resembling anger or hatred. And as much as I may deserve it, that’s something I don’t think I’d survive if I faced it now.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Matt
What the fuckam I doing?
I need exactly nothing from the store, but here I am, driving the same route I did the other day, because what I saw that morning has been torturing me ever since. Seeing Mel again was like seeing a ghost, yet she was real. Like seeing a memory, only a different version of it. It was something I don’t want to see again, yet at the same time I’m yearning to.
I don’t think I was even running on all cylinders when I got in the Jeep. It’s like my heart was sending some cryptic or subliminal message to my brain and instructed it to do so, and it mechanically obeyed.
I don’t know what I’m hoping for, another glimpse of her? And then what? I’ll be satisfied and drive back home? Will I get out of the car and talk to her this time, or just stare at her like a moron, like the last time?
When I reach the place where I saw her the other day, I don’t see her and I find myself turning in the direction I had seen her coming from, still not knowing what the hell is happening here. I drive further down the road, still with no sight of her.
It seems my heart has taken both the literal and the figurative wheel, because I keep driving all the way to her sister’s house where I park along the curb and get out of the car without a thought. It’s still leading the way along the path to the pool house. My feelings are definitely in charge here as my body willingly allows itself to be pulled along for the ride all the way up to the pool house door.
And I knock. And I wait. And the door opens.
MELANIE
My brain is still trying to play catch-up with my eyes, trying to register that this is Matt in front of me; that he’s here, at my house. Before I can pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming, he stalks through the door and right into me, taking my face in his hands the way he always used to do, and crushes his mouth down on mine. My hands automatically go to his arms, steadying myself as his mouth mauls mine in some sort of passionate surge. The kiss is hard, passionate, but something else… it’s punishing. And something about it doesn’t feel right.
Matt keeps moving forward, backing me up until my back meets the wall. One of his hands leaves my face to run down my body. His tongue pushes between my lips, pushing his way into my mouth the same way he just pushed himself inside my house. His hand finds the zipper of my hoodie and yanks it down, making a harsh ripping sound echo throughout the living room. Once it’s open, his hand searches inside, roaming up the side of my ribcage to my breast and gives it a squeeze. While my mind knows there’s something wrong with what’s happening here, my body betrays me and forces a wanton whimper from my mouth to his. His hand finds the hem of my shirt and slides up underneath it as he presses his entire body into mine. He backs away to yank his jacket off and comes back to grind his steel cock into my pelvis, and starts to savagely kiss down my neck. I know I’m slipping into submission, and I try with all my might to be strong and somehow get the reins back to my mind. I’ve missed Matt so much and I want him to take me, but not this way. I can feel the war going on inside him; it’s behind his every movement. I know uttering a single word will bring a stop to this moment… and I have to.
“Matt,” his name comes out in a breathless murmur, and that does it. Everything stops as if someone threw the brakes on the world. He leans back just enough to look at me. His eyes look like the ocean before a storm as they dart all over my face. I can see him shake off my meager protest and he leans in to kiss me again.
“Matt, stop,” I squeak out, not caring that the pain can be heard in my voice. He slows and then stops, withdrawing his mouth from mine. He closes his eyes and rests his head against mine, taking a few breaths like he’s trying to get a grip. After a few moments, he slowly releases me and takes a few calculated steps back.
“Melanie,” he breathes out in barely a whisper as he regards me with so much confusion and torment on his face. “Do you know what you’ve done to me?”
I have a pretty good idea, and I try to find the words to say what there are no words for. I look down at the floor, pulling my hoodie closed around me.
“Matt, when I left, I-”
“Don’t,” he cuts me off with a deep, ominous tone before he sets his jaw and looks away. “Whatever reason you have for disappearing is not one I want to hear, because no matter what it is, it involved you not talking to me. No matter how this story goes, it ends the same way - with you leaving.” The last word comes out from between clenched teeth and I inwardly flinch.
“It wasn’t some fucking fling we had Mel, Ilovedyou!” he exclaims, and I can hear the emotion in the back of his throat.
My heart takes flight and then immediately drops like a rock at the word when it registers as past tense.
“No one has ever caused me so much hurt andanger,” he continues and I can tell he’s putting considerable effort into controlling his voice. Ever the responsible, reasonable man, he’s trying to keep himself in check after the way he let his emotions consume him moments ago. “Yet I just want to hold you close to me and feel your skin against mine for the rest of my life.” He shakes his head like he can’t understand it. “Do you know how fucked up that feels?” he asks, scrubbing his hands over his face in frustration before dropping them again. “I should just walk out that door right now,” he lectures, hiking a thumb over his shoulder at the door. “I should go and get on with my life and leave you in my past.” That cuts deep. “But for some reason, I can’t seem to move from this spot,” he grumbles out defeatedly.
I clench my jaw and squeeze my eyes shut, unable to stop the tear that escapes down my cheek. His standing in front of me, obviously unsure of whether he’s coming or going, is killing me. Maybe I deserve it, but I can’t take it.
“You should go,” I suggest quietly, but trying to have a little more strength in my voice. He doesn’t know what to do, so I’m helping him decide.