Page 32 of For Her

I feel my jaw drop open.

“Eli Costa was attacked in cell block D by fellow inmates, and while the details are not yet clear, TMZ was able to capture the following piece of footage.” Her expression tries to remain businesslike, but I can’t help but notice the side of her mouth giving a tug. Huh.

The screen switches to a shot of paramedics wheeling a stretcher from some back entrance of the prison, and though they have to film through a chain link fence, one can catch a glimpse of the douche’s face, scrunched in pain. Funny. That’s kind of how he looked when I kneed him in the-

“Look!” Rebecca howls, pointing at the screen.

“At what?” I ask.

Rebecca wrestles the remote back from Sarah, tears still streaming down her face from laughing so hard. She aims it at the TV, swaying slightly, until playing the footage again. She pauses it when she gets a clear view of the injured Eli and gets up closer to the TV.

“Right there!” she cackles, pointing in the vicinity of Eli’s crotch. We all move in closer to get a better look… and then I see it. There’s a decent sized ice pack resting right in the guy’s lap. She falls to the floor, holding her stomach as the laughter has reached the point of convulsing.

“Oh… shit!” Sarah exclaims.

“How much you wanna bet someone stomped on his nuts?!” Rebecca sputters from the floor between gasps of air. “He’ll never get it up again!”

Rebecca dissolves into more fits of laughter, while Melanie merely smiles and walks out of the room. I follow her into the main lounge area.

“Are you okay?” I ask, wondering how it felt to see the asshole, damaged tallywhacker and all.

She nods as her face stiffens. She’s setting her jaw with a determined look on her face, trying hard to control her expression. She can only purse her lips and squeeze her eyes shut for so long, however… before she explodes.

Melanie doubles over as loud howls of laughter come out of her.

“OH MY GOD!” she exclaims. “Holy fucking shit!”

Her face turns red as tears stream down her cheeks, and it’s contagious. I feel the endorphins start to take over as I laugh along with her.

“I mean,” she gasps, trying to catch her breath, “if he didn’t get the message before…” more raucous laughter leaves her body as she struggles to finish her thought. “He is so done!”

I bend over, holding my round belly, trying to get ahold of myself and then give up. I’m going to let myself enjoy this glorious moment. We all deserve it.

Melanie and I have just barely reached a point of catching our breath when we hear Sarah’s voice call from the other room.

“Woman down!”

Jack

My living room is filled with roaring laughter and it’s got my dogs riled up and barking like they want in on the joke.

I’m collapsed on my couch getting one hell of an ab workout as I try to contain myself while I watch Eli rolling back and forth on the stretcher while a medic holds a cold pack to his ‘nads.

Out of the prison and into the ambulance he goes, and then backwards back into the prison. Forward into the ambulance, backwards into the prison.

I swear to God, Chris is an eight-year-old trapped in a man’s body, but it’s okay right now. We’re all getting an epic laugh out of his constant playing and rewinding of the footage while he chortles and points.

This is a dream come true, even if Matt and I didn’t get to live out our fantasy of paying the idiot a visit in prison and taking turns holding and punching. Speaking of Matt, he’s perched on the edge of one of my chairs, crouched over with his hands on his knees, his face the color of a tomato from the laughter and the scotch.

In the middle of our antics, someone’s cell ringsand Chris reaches in his back pocket.

“Hey Mousey-mouse, you’ll never guess what happened,” he announces to his fiancée before pausing with a pensive look on his face. “Oh, hey, Sarah…” his face relaxes as he listens. “Ha! No problem, I’ll be right there. Fellas,” he stands as he ends the call, my significant other has apparently drunk past her limit and needs to be collected and put to bed. Duty calls.” He makes his way for my front door and I hop to my feet and quickly follow him.

“Hang on, if you’re going to get your fiancée, I’m bringing my wife home.”

“Same!” Matt hollers, hot on my heels, as Mike lazily heaves himself off the couch. We couldn’t have this get together without my lawyer brother-in-law who helped put the assface away.

“Ha,” he scoffs. “Let’s see if I can even get Sarah to abandon the chance to spend the night alone in a spa suite.”