Page 63 of Hey Girl

“That’s the impact of Rebecca’s love. It makes people better. Like me. She’s been loving my sorry ass, and put up with all my attention deficit whatever, and she made me want to be a better person. And I’m not going to let Tatiana’s fucking shit, which, let me reiterate, is a criminal offence, be her thanks for that.

“In closing, I want to say to those who have supported us, thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are truly beautiful people, and it means the world to me and Rebecca. Thank you for recognizing true love when you see it. I won’t be on social media for a while, as I will be doting on the woman I love. And Tatiana… (pauses for dramatic effect)... may your coochie dry up, and the sores of a thousand dogs make your hair fall out in clumps.”

And with that, I sign off.

I scale the front steps and tap on Rebecca’s door.

“Rebecca, baby?” I call through the door. I give her a moment to answer, and when she doesn’t, I simply sit down with my back to the door. Hopefully she can hear me through the mail slot. “I just want to tell you that the police and an army of lawyers have nipped this thing in the bud. I know that doesn’t change what’s already happened, but I feel like it should be a sign that you can start to heal now.”

There’s more silence, but I think I hear a creek in the floorboards, just inside. I keep talking, hoping she can hear me. “I know the whole ‘this will blow over’ notion is super cliche, but I’ve learned something working in this industry … it’s actually true. The paps and the gossip rags are seriously a bunch of simpletons—one-track-minded vultures that squabble and flail to the next carcass to pick at.”

I hear another floor creak, closer this time. I try not to let it give me scary haunted house vibes. But I feel a breath release from my chest and a small smile pull at my lips when I hear a muffled sliding sound. I don’t acknowledge it. I just keep talking. “One time, the Scope ran a story that Jack was cheating on Mayzie. Jack. Right? But he and Mayzie gave them the middle finger and went about their business, and it was forgotten five days later. And oh! There’s that time I tried absinthe with Leo, and we woke up cuddling in the men’s room at Heathrowairport. Mouse, my morning wood blew over, and so will this! I mean… not that my morning wood blew all over Leo, but you catch my driftwood.”

Still nothing. “I know you don’t believe me right now, baby, but I promise you. It goes away.”

22

CHRIS

“Chris?”

A feminine voice from the beyond that has the nerve to not be Rebecca’s.

Snort “Huh?” I peel open an eyelid and work the kink out of my neck. I do not recommend catnapping on a porch swing.

“Hey Chris,” the voice says again, and this time, a blurry Mayzie comes into focus. And she has Melanie with her.

“You’ve come to visit me?” I sit up straighter as they both lean back against the porch railing to face me.

“Sort of,” Melanie answers.

“So, Chris…” Mayzie adds. “Why don’t you maybe let us take over for a little while you go rest. Maybe um…walk through a car wash?”

“Oh,” I muse, bringing a hand up to my hair. “I’ve only been camping out here for four days, is it that bad?” My facial hair, in particular has been known to grow rather fast. I probably look like a crazy mountain man.

“Just a little, um, disheveled,” Melanie tries to downplay my probably shithouse appearance. “But I bet you’d feel better aftera nap and a shower, and then you can come back to Rebecca all handsome again.”

“Don’t patronize me,” I cross my arms. “Sleep is for losers, and besides, I swore I wouldn’t leave her.”

“She’ll understand,” she says, trying to sound reassuring. “Plus, you want to be your best self for her, don’t you? And this isn’t it,” she waves her hand, palm-up in my direction.

“How dare you!”

“Chris,” Mayzie levels me with a deadpan. “Your eyes are so bloodshot that you look like a drunk cartoon.”

“Fine!” I screech out, exasperated, making them both startle on either side of me. “But it won’t be long, got it?”

“Got it,” they say in unison like a creepy set of rock wife twins.

“And don’t let anyone knock on the door!” I point at them. “No politicians, timeshare salesman, or religious radicals! And if girl scouts show up, you buy their asses out of Tagalongs and send them on their way!”

“Go!”

“Fine!”

I spin around on my heel and hightail it straight to my super awesome Kia.

Rebecca