Page 44 of Chaos

Guilt slips like hot oil up my back. People died looking for me.

Everything just keeps getting worse.

And all this time, I thought once I got out, once I was free, it would be the end of him as a threat. It would be over.

But it’s not.

And I might bring a baby into this?

“He’s dangerous, Colleen.”

“I agree, but leaders who execute people without due process are the biggest danger of all. It would be the end of Thornewood.”

I stand up, slower than I’d like, and my head spins.

“You’re wrong. If you don’t deal with him, Ben will be the end of Thornewood.”

In the cellar, I had a single-minded goal—get that stair board loose and escape.

But now ….

Everything is adrift.

Yorke still doesn’t know everything that happened in the cellar. I’m sure he thinks it was worse than it was, and he deserves to know the truth of it all, and I need to tell him about the maybe-baby.

I spend the rest of the afternoon lying on the sofa in our suite, staring at the sky through the French doors that lead to the balcony.

Big.

Nothing like the cellar.

Terrifyingly bright.

No darkness.

No smells.

No vile promises or threats. No heinousyetlurking on the horizon.

Endless really, like staring over a waterfall without a bottom.

People died because of me, and where did they go? Are they with my mom? My dad? Are they with Jimmy?

Will people love me if I’m not happy? Will Yorke?

I wake to Auden shaking me, Beast beside him after school’s end.

I need to shake off the stupor, get back to being myself.

After the sun sets, we work on a puzzle by camplight, waiting for Yorke to come so we can eat as a family.

“Santa’ll know where we are, right?” he asks.

“I’m sure of it,” I say, forcing a bravado I don’t feel. “Venus had to get in touch with him to let him know we were delaying the holiday. She’ll have told him about our new home for sure.”

My fingertips are too sore to use much, so mostly, I push pieces toward Auden and offer praise when he gets them in.

“He won’t go to my old house, will he?”