Page 43 of Be My Sacrifice
Here I sit straddling a man who I once believed I could love, but I just almost killed in a moment where I lost control of myself, and let the monster within me take over. A man I have known all my life, but never truly knew who he was, and what he was capable of. A man who hurt me so profoundly, that I will never trust anyone ever again not to do the same.
“Why, Zeke?” I’m not sure why I asked, as my stomach clenches at the words. I already know the answer deep within my heart and soul, but a part of me needs to hear him say the words. To listen to him utter the truth, so both my mind and heart can finally find the evidence that they war against.
So they can finally understand that I will never mean enough to him, that he will always choose someone above me. I knew it was selfish of me to want him to love me in that first and infinite way. I wasn’t his first, not even his second. Abe and my brother held those positions securely in their grasps, regardless of whether one was no longer breathing.
Maybe I just wanted, no, needed, to hear that I had mattered. That some part of him genuinely cared for me. That it wasn’t all a game. I wasn’t a prize or a means to gain more power and wealth. I needed to hear the words because finally hearing them would set something free inside of me. Something rancorous and dangerous. Something that still demanded that I take his life.
Sorrow, rage, pain, and hate battle with compassion and heartbreak, creating turmoil inside of me. I don’t want to end his life, not truly. All I desire is to understand why he would do this to me. His breathing slows as he watches my emotions cross my face, my ability to hide them non-existent.
“He would have taken you both. He would have had you raped and tortured before he finally took your life. He would have set all his men on you like starving, rabid animals. He was never going to let you live, Snow, but he gave me a choice on whether to make it a quick death by my own hand, or to lose both of you at once.”
A shuddering breath exhales from his lips, loud in the silent room. “I couldn’t bear the thought of you being passed amongst his men, being brutally raped while he watched, and enjoyed your suffering. I couldn’t… Dinah.”
My head spins with the images he paints with his words. Is that what his father threatened him with to gain his compliance? Could it be that he believed he was sparing me from a more horrific fate by taking my life? I remember the anguish in his eyes, and how he hesitated with the blade, and I thought for a brief moment he might stab his father instead.
Fuck!I drag my hands through my hair violently, yanking on the strands and wrestling with the truth of his words. I can feel the heat and heaviness of his gaze upon my features, waiting for me to decide whether I believe him. Every inch of exposed skin feels the blistering caress of his eyes as if they are trying to reclaim me, to make me understand that he never wanted to hurt me. He just had no choice. The heat of that emerald gaze tries to sneak its way back into my heart, trying to desperately crumble the defense walls I no longer want him to scale.
“Why didn’t you promise me? Why, even in that moment, did you let me go to my death denying me, Zeke?” A tear slides down my face as his eyes track the movement with the moon’s light. Of all of his actions that day, that hurt me the most. That at that moment, he wouldn’t give me that one bit of peace as I left this world. That betrayed me more than the blade he had plunged inside of my flesh.
His trembling hand rises to my face, his fingers gently caressing the side of my jaw, wiping away the despondent tears that are falling without my permission. “I couldn’t, Dinah. I tried to tell you with my eyes. Had I spoken the words, he would have reneged on his deal to keep Abe and the boy alive.”
His hand wraps around the side of my neck and pulls me forward, until my upper body is almost flush with his, and his face is mere inches away from mine, and I allow it to happen. “It destroyed me to hurt you. It almost killed me to lose you. You have no idea how much you mean to me, Snow. How much you have always meant to me.”
He lifts his head, his lips meeting mine in a soft brush of warmth, once, twice, and on the third time, my lips part, allowing him access. There is no hesitation as his tongue slips inside to tangle with mine, as our mouths plunder and consume each other. Seconds turn into minutes until finally, I pull away, needing air, my lungs heaving and my heart constricting in my chest.
The reality of what I just let happen has me scrambling off of him, and jumping to my feet, putting distance between myself and the bed.What the fuck is the matter with me? Why did I do that?I swipe angrily at my mouth with the back of my hand, brushing away his touch and the feel of his lips on mine, but his taste still remains.
No, I can’t go back to the way things were before. I can never trust him again. He hurt me, and he chose to continue in a world where I was gone. He saved Abe and thought he was providing me with mercy—a mercy he could live with—but that destroyed my whole world.
Does that deserve forgiveness? Can there even be forgiveness after something so life-changing and dreadful? I don’t know. Every part of me is twisted up and confused, all of my emotions warring with each other over the man I almost allowed myself to suffocate.
“How do I know you are not just telling me what I want to hear, Zeke?” I put more distance between us, opening the door to the room even as my heart begs me not to run from this, or run from him.
“You can try to run from this, Dinah, from me, from us, but you will never get very far because you know the truth as well as I, even though you want to ignore it. You have always been mine, just like I have always been yours. We were fated long ago. I made a horrendous mistake that I will pay for, for the rest of my life, but know this, Dinah; I will never let you go again.”
His words spur me to rush out of the room like my body is on fire, without a look back at the broken and sorrowful man still on the bed. The need to get away from him overwhelms all of my senses. In this moment, I am more confused than I was when I first arrived here, wanting answers from him. I make my way out into the hallway, rushing away from the room as if something or someone is chasing me, and only when I manage to make it outdoors into the dewy, predawn light and inhale a deep breath of clean air, does my heart finally stop galloping in my chest.
Fuck, what have I done?
Chapter twenty-eight
The Protector
Sammy
Alargeboomsoundsthrough the air and shakes the house’s foundation, raining dust and pieces of the ceiling down on me. Jars of canned goods fall off the metal wire shelves, smashing to the ground and releasing their contents, filling the air with the scent of fruity jams and pickled vegetables. The smell makes my stomach rumble and protest loudly. It’s been at least two days since I last ate anything, and even then, I was too hungover from one of my drinking binges to consume much.
I sincerely doubt that Noah Rothesay will be a hospitable captor, and will feed me anytime soon. No, that fucker will enjoy watching me starve and wither away, while using my very life as a bargaining chip with his son.Bastard.
We were so stupid to attempt to escape the way we did. Ignorant and naive, thinking that the copycatUnholy Ghosthad all of Noah’s attention, and that he wouldn’t be watching, and waiting for us to make a move. It was brave and brazen of Ezekiel to try to get us out of there under the cover of darkness.Stupid, brave prince.
We might have even managed it if the alarm hadn’t been raised the minute we climbed ungraciously over the fence. We should have moved more stealthily. We should have ensured we reached out to the rebels for help first, but we could not delay any further with Ezekiel’s upcoming nuptials rapidly approaching.
Should have, could have, it no longer matters; here we are now, both still prisoners, except I’m locked in a cellar, and he’s about to be married again, to another Sacred Wife. My predicament would be almost comical if it wasn’t happening to me, and I wasn’t about to fucking die at the hands of a sadist lunatic.
We failed miserably. All of the aches, pains, and broken bones in my body remind me of how epically we failed. We misjudged our opponent and paid for it in blood. As hard as we both tried to fight off all the guards that Noah set on us, it was impossible. There were too many of them, and we were limited to two guns between us. Two against thirty or more, even the Spartans Dinah loved to read about, wouldn’t have succeeded with those odds.
Dinah.Fuck, how I miss her. How my heart aches for her with every single breath. Maybe this time, I will find myself at death’s door and finally be reunited at her side.What about Ezekiel? Will you leave him behind at the mercy of his father and the Brotherhood? What about Abraham and Dinah’s nephew?