Page 42 of Blade

But suddenly, I stopped, and my hand fell to my side. I blinked away the haze and dropped the whip to the floor. I trembled from head to toe.

“What have I done?” I whispered as I stared at the beautiful, tattooed man that fought to remain on his feet. His blond head hung forward and I experienced both shame and overwhelming freedom which made no sense to me. My chest felt lighter than it had in months.

Lighter than it had after years of therapy.

Angry marks crisscrossed his back over the mess of scars. Some were raised, others simply flaming deep pink. My chin trembled as I approached. When I gently placed a cool hand on his hot back, he flinched and so did I.

Slowly, he lifted his head and turned to look at me. His eyes resembled chips of arctic ice.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured as I traced the mess I’d made. He tried to hide it, but he couldn’t help the twitch of his skin at my touch. It hurt my heart.

“Stop apologizing, baby. I deserved it and you needed it,” he replied through clenched teeth.

My hands trembled as I ripped the Velcro loose from his ankles, then from his hands. He sagged forward and caught himself on the footboard. I helped him to the floor where he knelt with his head resting on the footboard.

Deserved that?There was no way.

As I stood there, I hesitated. I didn’t know what to do for him. Cautiously, I reached for him, but before my fingers could brush his inked skin, I jerked my hand back. The entire experience had left me shaken. Unsure of what he needed, I went to thekitchenette and got ice from the freezer and placed it in a plastic bag. Then I wrapped it in a towel I found when I was searching for the bags.

When I returned to him, he hadn’t moved.

“Blade?”

He lifted his head and the pain in his gaze was nearly my undoing. With halted steps, I approached and got to my knees behind him. Gently, I pressed the ice to his back, but he still hissed.

“I’m so sorry,” I blurted out as tears once again cascaded down my cheeks. Each time I moved the makeshift cold pack, I kissed the cool skin it vacated. I noticed that each time I did, goosebumps spread over his skin.

He sighed. “I’m gonna say this one last time… don’t be sorry. If you knew the things I’ve done, you would know I deserved every second of that and then some. I want you to use me until you feel you’ve exorcised the demons that haunt you. Even if it’s forever.”

I gasped. “Don’t say that!”

“It’s true and I want you to be able to take back your confidence and freedom, Eliska.”

“No, it isn’t true. And I decided I’m going to continue my therapy. I was talking to some of the women about it and Sloane knows someone who will come here to see me. Someone she trusts. I’m certainly not going to inflict pain on you to dispel my own. I hate that my anger and self-loathing allowed me to lose control like that. By hurting you, I’m no better than the people who hurt me,” I explained. A shudder rippled through me at the thought.

His pale blue eyes met my own. “It’s more than that. Pain is the only thing that makes me actually feel something. It shows me that I’m still alive—that I can still feel. That I’m not just a husk of the human I once was because of the things I’ve done.”

I scooted closer and cupped his cheek. The coarse hair of his short beard rasped against my palm when I slid it up to curl around the back of his head. He closed his eyes briefly, but then stared at me without speaking.

“Maybe there are other ways to do that,” I softly suggested as I threaded my fingers through his hair. “Maybe we can heal together. In a way that doesn’t cause someone else, or ourselves more pain.”

He inhaled a shaky breath and slowly released it. He didn’t answer me, but he didn’t say no, either. I took that as a minor win as I pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

In a move that I wouldn’t have thought him capable of in that moment, he grabbed me, turned to sit, and placed me so I straddled his lap. With my lips against his, I gasped in surprise.

“Did I hurt you?” he whispered as he gripped my braid and gently tugged me away from him.

My gaze immediately dropped. “You just startled me,” I murmured.

“Look at me, Eliska,” he softly encouraged.

I blinked slowly, as I worked up the courage to do as he said. His brilliant gaze seemed to see into all the dark parts of me that I hated.

“You didn’t hurt me,” I whispered. “I hurt you.”

“No, baby. I needed it.”

“We’ll agree to disagree,” I wryly replied, causing him to grin. The effect that smile had on me was profound. My heart stuttered, my cheeks warmed, and something stirred in me that I thought had died.