Page 44 of Pucking Only

With a frown, I stop in the middle of the hallway. Wait…this feels familiar. Have I done this before?

No…I haven’t. Right? Shaking my head, I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I came to Grace’s house today with a mission in mind and I’m going to see it through. Continuing on down the hall, I reach the stairs and make my way to the back door. Carson’s in the backyard… playing hockey.

How do I know that?

It doesn’t matter. Opening the door, I make my way outside and there he is… Carson.

He looks older than he should. Like an adult. He’s big and muscular, but still playing with the street hockey set that he got for Christmas last year. That was last year, wasn’t it? Everything feels a little hazy, like I’m swimming through a fog as I make my way towards him.

When I reach him, it’s like everything starts moving faster and I’m just watching the scene unfold rather than participating in it.

“Carson, I like you… ”

“I’m sorry, Star… you’re not my type… ”

Oh, no. I have seen all this before. This isn’t new, and I know exactly what he’s going to say next.

“I prefer girly girls, like Elizabeth Norris.”

No. No, no, no, no! I don’t want to listen to this again! I don’t want to stand here while Carson looks down on me and tells me I’m not good enough for him. I don’t want to feel the pain of his rejection again.

“Stop it!” I shout, or at least try to. My voice suddenly doesn’t work. Opening and closing my mouth over and overagain, I try to tell him I don’t want to hear it. That I don’t care that he doesn’t want me, but no words come out of my throat.

He gives me a pitying look before turning and walking away from me as I claw at my neck, desperate to say something, anything, if only to keep him from throwing me away all over again.

My eyes shoot open with a gasp. I sit up, looking around wildly, expecting to find myself in the Monroe’s backyard. Instead, I’m in Grace’s apartment, in bed.

A dream. It was just a dream.

Groaning, I drop back against my pillows and stare up at the ceiling. Shit, what was that? Why am I dreaming about that day?

Damn it, it’s like I actually just relived that conversation. My heart hurts and my cheeks are flushed with humiliation. It’s a good reminder of why I can’t get mixed up with Carson. It’s too complicated and my heart is too fragile when it comes to him, because I know I’ll never be enough for him. I’m still not the kind of girl he wants. I’m too nerdy and too much of a tomboy. In his eyes, I’m not the girlfriend type, but I guess I’m good enough for a hookup. Ugh, that thought pisses me off, and it doesn’t help any that the sex was actually great.

The problem with Carson is that I’m always going to want what I can’t have. I need to keep from making the same mistakes with him that’ll just wind up with me getting hurt.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: MESS UP

CARSON

The cheering crowd,the bright lights, and the opposing team rushing toward me, trying to get past my defenses…it doesn’t faze me anymore. I get a thrill out of all of it, and that makes me play harder. The game is exciting for me, but I rarely get nervous.

When I skate out into the rink and look up to see Skyler sitting next to Grace in the media box, I’m suddenly more stressed out than I remember ever being before. Frozen in place, I stare up at her for several moments. She’s not paying attention to me — or, at least, pretending not to…her laptop is open in her lap and her gaze is focused on the screen.

Damn it, she looks really cute. She’s wearing her dirty blond hair in braided pigtails and her glasses are perched on the end of her nose. Why does she have to look so damn good? I’m not supposed to be thinking of her, but then she shows up looking like the sexiest little geek in the world. I don’t have the willpower for this!

It’s been four days since theincidentwith Skyler, and things between us are weird. We’ve been avoiding each other like the plague and that’s a fact I simply can’tdeny. I had sex with Skyler —I had sex with Skyler!— and it was good. Really, really, good.

But that’s bad. Really, really bad.

I have to tell myself over and over again that she’s Grace’s best friend and I’ve known her practically since we were in diapers. That means I can’t think about how good it felt to be buried deep inside her while she moaned and writhed in pleasure.

Fuck! Stop thinking about it!

When I think about how awkward I was afterward, I cringe. We both just got caught up in the moment and lost control of ourselves. Can anyone really blame me? She’s a gorgeous girl, and I’m only human.

I’m not sure why I kissed her, to be honest. I was just so fucking angry at her, and she looked so damn hot like she always does, especially when she’s arguing with me… I couldn’t stop myself. It was like there was some magnetic force between us that I just couldn’t fight. When she kissed me back, my brain kind of just short-circuited and my thinking-head was no longer in charge. Usually, that wouldn’t be a big deal for me, but these are not usual circumstances.

Over the last four days, I’ve done my best to distract myself, throwing myself into practices and pushing myself until I’m too exhausted to do anything or think of anything beyond hockey.