Page 56 of Pucking Only
SKYLER
The next day,I can’t shake the heavy feeling in my chest. I know I need to talk to Grace, but I’m dreading it. I replay our argument over and over in my head, cringing at the harsh words I threw at her. The guilt is eating me alive. I know I need to make things right.
When I finally muster up the courage to meet Grace, I text her and ask to meet at Bean and Bough, her favorite local coffee shop that I’ve also become obsessed with myself. To my relief, she agrees.
Later, when I step into the coffee shop, the warmth immediately wraps around me, a welcome contrast to the crisp February air outside. The smell of freshly-brewed coffee is comforting, mingling with the sweet, buttery aroma of pastries. The shop has this charming, almost nostalgic vibe with its old-world décor. The walls are a patchwork of colorful local art and black-and-white photos. The wooden shelves are lined with books and quirky little trinkets. It’s very much up Grace’s alley.
The front counter is bustling with activity as baristas prepare drinks. The seating area is a mix of comfy sofas andsmall tables, all surrounded by mismatched chairs. Soft jazz plays in the background. As I look through all this, I finally spot Grace at a table in the corner near a large window, nursing a latte, and head over. She’s wearing a green turtleneck sweater and her dark brown hair is pulled back in a ponytail that curls down her back. She looks up as I approach. I can see the hurt still lingering in her bright blue eyes. It makes my stomach twist with regret.
“Hey,” I say quietly, shrugging out of my coat. I slide into the seat across from her.
“Hey,” she replies, her voice neutral. She’s guarded. I don’t blame her.
I take a deep breath, trying to find the right words and nervously push my glasses up my nose. “Grace, I’m so sorry for what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean it, and I hate that I hurt you. You worked your ass off for everything you have and I know that.”
She looks at me for a long moment, then sighs, her shoulders relaxing slightly. “I know you didn’t mean it, Sky, but it still hurts. We’ve always been there for each other, and I didn’t expect you to say something like that.”
“I know,” I admit, my voice thick with emotion. I fiddle with the sleeve of my red flannel shirt as I wrestle with my lingering guilt. “And I hate that I did. You’ve been nothing but supportive, and I lashed out because I was frustrated and upset, but that’s not an excuse.”
Grace nods, and for a moment, I’m afraid she’s not going to be able to get over this because she doesn’t say anything for several seconds, but then she reaches across the table and takes my hand.
“I forgive you,” she says softly. “But you need to talk to me, Sky. Don’t just bottle everything up until you explode.”
I squeeze her hand, feeling a wave of relief wash over me. “Well, that’s what I’ve been doing since I was a kid… but you’re right.”
She gives me a small, encouraging smile. “You’ve always been able to talk to me, though, right? What’s really going on?”
I take a deep breath, feeling the weight of everything pressing down on me. “It’s not just work that’s been tough. It’s everything, really. I’ve always felt like I had to prove myself, you know? Like, growing up, I was always told I was too boyish. I liked video games and comic books… things that weren’t considered ‘girly,’ and I got teased for it.”
Grace’s expression softens, and she nods. “I remember.”
“I thought if I just got tougher, louder, and more boisterous, people would stop seeing me as a target,” I say, the words tumbling out. “I wanted to be able to like the things I liked and pursue the career I’ve always wanted without being made fun of or dismissed. But even now, it feels like I have to fight tooth and nail to be taken seriously. I wasn’t girly enough when we were kids, but now just the fact that I’m a girl is a barrier, no matter how hard I try to overcome it. Sometimes, it just gets to be too much.”
“Oh, Sky… I’m so sorry.” She moves her chair closer to me and grabs my hand, giving it a light squeeze. “I knew you’d struggled with this stuff, but I didn’t realize how bad it’s really been for you.”
I take a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “I feel like I’ve had to sacrifice a huge part of myself to succeed. Like I’ve had to become this version of me that’s strong, unyielding, always on top of everything. But sometimes, I wonder if I’ve lost something important along the way.”
Grace’s brow furrows and she shakes her head. “Skyler, you shouldn’t have to give up any part of yourself to meet anyone else’s expectations. You’ll never be happy that way.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. They’re simple, straightforward, but they cut through all the layers of self-doubt and fear that I’ve built up over the years. I feel a lump form in my throat. For a moment, I can’t speak. It’s a little strange, having such an emotionally-charged moment while everything around us continues like normal. The hiss of the espresso machine, the soft chatter of the other shop patrons, and the warmth of my coffee cup in my hand ground me into reality and keep me from totally breaking down right here and now.
Grace gives me a soft smile. “I get it, you know. The pressure, the need to prove yourself, but you’re amazing just as you are. You’re doing what you love, which is great. Not everyone has the strength and stamina to pursue their dreams like you do. I also know, though, that you don’t let anyone see how anxious you can get. You don’t let yourself be vulnerable with anyone, apart from me. You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know. It’s okay to admit when you’re struggling.”
I swallow hard, thinking back to last night and how I opened up to Carson. It was almost as easy to talk to him as it is to talk to Grace… which is more startling for me to realize than it was to find out how much I enjoy having sex with him.
“It’s not that easy,” I admit, my voice barely a whisper. “I thought that if I just worked harder, pushed myself more, I’d finally get the recognition I deserve, but now… I don’t know. What if that recognition never comes?”
Grace presses her lips into a firm line. “If it doesn’t, what then? Will you continue working your ass off for people who don’t appreciate you, or try something else?”
I blink back the tears that threaten to spill over. Shit, I don’t want to cry here in public. I don’t want to cry, period, but doing so around total strangers is way too much for me.
“It’s just… so hard. I’ve worked so long to get here, and I don’t want to throw it all away, and I don’t want to have to start all over either.”
“You’re not throwing anything away,” Grace assures me gently. “But self preservation is important, especially when you feel like your confidence in yourself, in your dreams, is being crushed. Think of a new goal. Make a new plan, and do it all surrounded with people who will support you. That's the key.”
I look down at our joined hands. Her words swirl in my mind, challenging everything I’ve believed up until now. For so long, I’ve thought that success meant pushing through the obstacles in my way and being the best, no matter what it took. But what if she’s right? What if I’ve been going about this all wrong?
“Do you really think I can do that?” I ask shakily. “Be successful without losing myself?”