Page 64 of Pucking Only
“We should just say goodnight here,” I tell him in a firm voice. “I need to finish packing and my flight is so early, I really need to go to sleep at a reasonable time.”
His gazes at me, his expression hard to read. He’s not smiling or frowning, and his eyes seem to be staring at something far away even though he’s looking right at me.
“That’s probably smart,” he says in a monotone voice.
His easy answer catches me off guard. I’d expected him to argue and try to convince me to let him stay over, but… nothing. It’s like he doesn’t actually care.
Blinking, I murmur, “Well…I’ll see you in a few weeks at your parents’ anniversary party.”
It feels like a small opening to keep what we have going for a little while longer. We’ll see each other again soon, so this really doesn’t have to be the end of it. It doesn’t really have to be goodbye.
However, Carson doesn’t take the opening. Instead, he nods and mumbles, “Yeah, I’ll see you there.”
Leaning down, he kisses me on the cheek. It’s brief and impersonal. A peck that leaves me feeling cold and empty.
Without another word, he turns and walks away and I watch him go, stunned.
Is it really over? Just like that?
I blink, startled by how abrupt it feels. My heart sinks.That’s it?After everything, after this dinner that felt like some unspoken goodbye, he’s just going to leave like that? My chest tightens, and I try to swallow the wave of disappointment rising inside me. I thought… I don’t even know what I thought. Something more? A conversation about us? About what happens next?
God, what’s wrong with me? He never promised more. Never indicated that it was on the table for us. He simply agreed to what I offered, and that was just sex.
Each step he takes feels like he’s walking further out of my life, like I’m losing him all over again. My mind races, thinking of all the things I want to shout after him, things I need to say… but I don’t move. I don’t call out. I hate how vulnerable I feel right now, standing at my door, staring after him like some lovesick fool. This isn’t who I am. I’m not the girl who waits, who lets people walk away without a fight. With Carson, though… it’s different. He’s always been different. Twice now, he’s made me into this vulnerable, stupid girl who second-guesses herself. I hate that he has that much power over me, even after all this time.
Turning, I make my way into the apartment. The door closes softly behind me, and I lean against it, pressing my forehead to the cool wood. My heart’s still racing, and I feel the sting of unshed tears burning behind my eyes. I shouldn’t care this much. I shouldn’twantthis much from him.
But I do.
I wanted him to stay. To ask me what I’m feeling. Toseeme.
Instead, he left. Rejected me yet again. And I hate that it still hurts this bad.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR: THE ONLY GIRL FOR HIM
CARSON
“It doesn’t matterthat you didn’t say anything,” I murmur to myself. “She didn’t say anything either, and she still left. She wasn’t going to stay here with you, dumbass. Get over it.”
It’s admittedly not the most upbeat pep talk I’ve ever given myself, but it’s been a week since Skyler went back to California and I still feel like I got kicked in the balls. Sitting on my couch, watching old hockey games to try and distract myself, I can’t shake the look of shock I’d seen on her face when I’d left her at her door during her last night.
I’d been so ready to tell her how I was feeling and talk to her about possibly continuing something between us even after she’d left. On her last night in Denver, when we’d taken her out to dinner, I’d chickened out. She’d been so quiet and awkward throughout dinner, I didn't know how to bring the topic ofusup. I couldn’t really do it in front of Grace and Jensen. Then, when I’d walked her to her door and she’d said we should just part ways there…
That had sucked.
I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything to her afterthat. The idea of being totally rejected paralyzed me. I totally shut down that night. I didn’t even give her a proper goodbye, and I regret that. I just couldn’t bring myself to be vulnerable with her.
There’s a sudden knock on my door and it’s so sharp it jolts me out of my thoughts. I don’t even have time to get up before Grace comes storming in, her eyes blazing with determination.
“Carson!” she snaps, not bothering to wait for an invitation. Damn it, I need to take the spare key away from her!
I blink at her, still trying to shake off the haze of everything that’s been swirling in my head as I sit up.
“Grace? What’s going on?”
She narrows her eyes at me, hands on her hips like she’s ready for a fight. “That’s what I’m here to find out. What the hell is going on with you?”
I frown, leaning back against the couch cushions. “I’m fine. Nothing’s going on.”