Page 55 of His Orc Lady
“I never lied to you. And I never wanted to deceive you, I just couldn’t tell you the truth until I knew you liked me forme.” I sniff, my eyes stinging suddenly with tears, but I force myself to continue regardless. “If you knew, if you realized what power you held over me and didn’t want me, it would break me, Owen. I-I watched my mother fade away after my father died, and I couldn’t let that happen to me. So I figured it would be easiernotto love you at all if you were set on leaving anyway. At least then, I could protect my heart a little.”
He’s silent for a long moment, then speaks, his voice barely louder than a murmur. “Whatisthe truth? What power do I hold over you?”
I’ve been staring at our clenched hands, but now, I meet his serious blue gaze. “I love you,” I choke out. “I couldn’t help it, I fell in love through every fumbling meeting. Your scent let me know how important you were going to become, but it wasyouwho convinced me.”
I’m crying now, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, and I hate it, I hate that this is what I’ve been reduced to—already pining for him. Because Owen is sitting so still, I can’t help but think this is too much for him. And he doesn’t even know it all yet, so I take a shuddering breath and continue.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever want to have children, Owen. My mother wasn’t strong enough to stay alive for me, and if we—if we ever…”
At this I have to stop because my voice fails me. I bury my face in my hands and shudder, digging the heels of my palms into my leaking eyes.
“Gods, why is this so hard?” I push myself up from the bed and pace away from him. I need the distance to say this last part. “What I’m trying to tell you is that orcs can only have children with their fated mates. This is another reason why I didn’t want to tell you. It feels so much like an obligation, and I hated the idea of doing that to you.”
Owen’s frown deepens. “You’re saying you won’t ever have children unless it’s with me?”
“Aye.” I swipe my sleeves over my eyes, finally quashing my tears. “That’s the gist of it.”
I don’t add that I might not be fully myself again if he left. I’m not certain what would happen—though I hope hisdeparture wouldn’t affect me as much as my father’s death hurt my mother. In the end, she must have loved him more than she loved me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever truly get over that, but I might be willing to try with Owen.
First, though, he would need to choose me.
He remains quiet, his expression closed off.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into the silence between us. “For keeping this from you. But…is there any chance you understand?”
“I do,” he says slowly. “You know, I spoke to Willow tonight. When I escorted her to the party, I mean. She all but told me she was intent on staying at the Hill forever. Her marriage to Ozork cemented that, but we didn’t know that would happen when we talked.”
I stare at him, wondering why he’s talking about Willow when I just poured out my heart to him.
He shoves his hair away from his face, the tendrils that must have escaped during the festivities. Suddenly, he looks weary, and I realize he’s been just as preoccupied as I have—he said he’d been sleeping poorly and couldn’t rest.
“She asked me if I wanted to stay,” he adds. “Here, at the Hill, as her personal guard. I’d have to return to Ultrup to resign and ask the duke to be reassigned to Willow on a permanent basis, though that would be only a formality as she doesn’t need a guard now that she has Ozork. I’ve been thinking of my future and was wondering if King Gorvor might have use of a human soldier in his Army.”
My hands are starting to shake, so I clench them together tightly, worrying my knuckles until they hurt. “You-you have?”
“Oh, yes.” He inclines his head at me. “All while trying to figure out why I was so damn attracted to a woman who’s been pushing me away every time we got close to each other. I’ve been dreaming about godsdamned strawberries fordays, Mara.”
Now my knees are in danger of giving in. I grip the back of the chair for support, barely holding myself together. “I’m so sorry?—”
“I know.” He stands and walks over to me.
I stare up at him, wondering what to do now—where we go on from here.
“We’ve both been keeping things too close to the vest,” he murmurs. “You didn’t think you could trust me, and I was too proud to admit even to myself that I suddenly had no interest in pursuing the path I’d laid out for myself a decade ago.” His laugh is hoarse and hollow. “I was to be a general, you know. I didn’t have time for a wife or children, and I didn’t want them either.”
He steps even closer and brings his fingers to my chin, nudging it up. “Then I visited the orc kingdom, of all places, and saw a beautiful woman across the room. Only for a moment, mind you, because she made a mess and ran away, but it was enough. I couldn’t get her out of my mind, no matter how hard I tried.” He brushes his thumb over my cheek, swiping away the tears. “So when the duke asked me to escort his niece here, I jumped at the chance. All because I was hoping to see her again.”
I’m crying now, holding my breath to keep the sobs contained, but the need to breathe wins over, so I suck in a deep, heaving inhale, then squeeze my eyes shut. Owen’s arms wrap around my shoulders, and I collapse against him, clutching his tunic and holding on tight.
“Hush,” he murmurs, stroking the back of my head. “I’m not going anywhere.”
I lift my chin, blinking at him through my tears. “You’re not?” I sniff and shift away from him to blow my nose. “Even after everything I said? Or everything Ididn’t?”
“No, Mara.” He scrubs a hand through his hair, which is so messy by now, his tie is hanging loose at his neck. “I realize now that youhavebeen telling me things. You showed me your homeand accepted me, even though you were clearly unhappy with me…”
“I wasn’t unhappy,” I grumble. “I just didn’t know how to behave around you. This godsdamned attraction pulled me in, but I was afraid of making a fool out of myself.”
He cocks his head to the side. “Do you resent it? The fact that I’m…yours?”