Page 79 of Fighting for Lucy
The man’s confidence should help, but it didn't.
Lucy was strong but had lived through hell these last couple of weeks. Was she strong enough to survive the aftermath?
More than that, was she strong enough to forgive him for what she’d suffered because of him and still want a future with him?
That seemed like more than he should hope for.
More than he deserved.
Because of him, the woman he was falling in love with had been abducted, flown halfway around the world, strapped to a table and had her skin peeled off with a knife, and been forced to jump out of a helicopter.
Expecting her forgiveness was like expecting her to grow wings and fly herself home.
“How are you doing?” Phantom asked, assessing him with brown eyes that seemed to see too much. See more than Zander wanted.
Much more than he was comfortable with.
Giving what he hoped came off as an easy, dismissive shrug, he replied, “I'm fine. Zimraan’s men didn't break anything.” While Lucy had been in surgery and there was no possibility of him remaining at her side, he’d finally agreed to be checked out himself. He had some hellish bruises littering his body, horrible black and blue marks that he was sure would hurt when his fear for Lucy dissipated enough for him to feel anything else.
“Still with everything that happened with your team, then having to relive it all with Lucy …”
When Phantom trailed off, giving him the opportunity to fill in the blanks, Zander remained steadfastly silent.
What did the man expect him to say?
That it was like being transported to hell?
That watching Lucy be tortured, hearing her screams, was the worst thing he’d ever had to do?
That if he was a braver, less selfish man he’d do the right thing and walk away from her now so she didn't have to see his face when she finally woke up?
All of that was true, but he couldn’t make himself say it aloud.
Almost as though by speaking it he might make it become a reality.
“She needs you, you get that, right?” Phantom asked.
There was no way he couldn’t scoff at that.
What Lucy needed to heal was for him to get out of her life. How could she possibly deal with everything that had happened when she had to look at his face every day and know he was to blame for most of it?
The problem was, he didn't know how to live without her.
While she might be better off if he returned to being a ghost man as she liked to call him, he most certainly would not be better off without her.
It terrified him how much he needed her.
“Zander, if you don’t know it then let me say it. She needs you. She doesn’t need you to be perfect, she doesn’t need you to always say and do the right thing, and she doesn’t need you to hide your own pain and trauma from her. But she does need you to be there. She needs to hold onto you when she feels like the bottom of the world has opened up beneath her, wanting to swallow her whole. She needs you to hold onto her, too, when you feel the same way.”
“I want to believe that, but …” Zander trailed off, the ending not needing to be said aloud. He wanted to believe it but how could he?
How could he think his presence could in any way help Lucy heal?
“Can you please trust me on that?” Phantom asked. “I learned a lot from being there for Kalee as she healed from what happened to her in Timor-Leste. And please trust me and believe me when I say this, being alone is the worst thing for her right now. Your presence is going to make all the difference in how she heals.”
“She has other people. Parents, siblings, her whole Prey family,” he reminded Phantom. Whether he was in the picture or not, it wasn’t like Lucy was going to be alone.
“But they weren't there. They won't get it. Not really. They’ll try and do their best, and yes, Lucy needs them, too. But that doesn’t change the fact that she needs you. You lived through it with her, and I'm pretty sure she’s falling in love with you. Don’t let your demons talk you into doing something that’s going to wind up hurting you and the woman you love.”