Page 67 of If Only In Our Dreams
“We had a fucked up childhood,” Miles continued, voice quiet, like if he spoke too loud he was worried he’d scare me off. “I don’t think I really realized that till I moved here and saw how many peopledidn’t. Like Trent, for example—I mean—his mama and dadlovedeach other.” His eyes were wide like that was a goddamn miracle.
I nodded, because it was.
“They weregoodto their kids,” Miles added. “Left ’em wanting for nothing.”
“Right.” I didn’t get the point of this. But it did give me some fun insight into Ben’s childhood and what that might’ve been like.
WhenIthought of my childhood all I felt was untethered. So many memories, bitter sweet.
I thought of hands shaking as I picked Miles up from school. I thought of staying up late pricking my fingers till they bled while I sewed his Halloween costumes. I thought of begging for scraps of attention with my heart on my sleeve and tears in my eyes—and being sent away, like feeling the way I did was shameful.
I thought of pretty smiles and expectations.
A reputation to uphold.
“I think because of our mom, sometimes it’s hard for both of us to realize that love,reallove, has no stipulations.” Miles sucked in a breath and his eyes burned holes into mine. “It doesn’t come with strings attached. And it follows you, no matterhow far you run. It’s messy and sweet, and if you let it, it fills in all your cracks and crevices.”
I had dozens of those, so many I wasn’t sure even a love like he said existed could fill them.
My heart ached for Miles. It ached for me too. Because while I hated to admit it, there were years of heartbreak I still hadn’t parsed my way through. Things I hadn’t let myself process or even really feelangryabout, even though I knew the second I did it might help.
I’d simply been too busy holding up the fort to acknowledge what I’d been through.
Miles didn’t know the half of it.
He didn’t know about my dad and the way he’d tricked me.
Didn’t know about what he’d done.
Didn’t know about the nights I’d spent on the streets in L.A. before I’d made it, praying to the stars that I could make it big enough my baby brother and his kid would never want for anything.
“I don’t love Ben Montgomery,” I told him, because that was what he was hinting at.
“No,” Miles agreed. “But you could. If you weren’t scared of him. If you weren’t ready to bolt the second he said the wrong thing.”
“I’m notscaredof him either,” I glared at him, my pizza growing cold and my wine mocking me. I kinda wanted to chug it, because a buzz might make this conversation go by easier. We didn’t normally get all deep like this. But apparently it was just that kinda night. I didn’t acknowledge his words about running, because it was too close to hitting the nail on the head. “He’s the least scary person ever. Man’s a giant teddy bear.”
Miles stared at me for a beat, processing my words. A shit-eating grin split across his face. “A teddy bear?” He blinked.“You thinkBenMontgomery is ateddy bear?Serious, grumpy,coldBen.”
My cheeks went hot all over again. “Fuck off.” I flipped him off and his grin softened. “He’s none of those things.” Okay, so maybe he wassomeof those things.
“Maybe not to you,” Miles waggled his eyebrows, then sobered. “When you’re tired of running, this is a pretty good place to stop.”
“You have croissants,” I nodded toward the now-empty box on the counter.
“We do,” Miles agreed, and then his tone lightened. “And for the record,” Miles added. “Belleville’s big enough for the both of us.” It was almost like he’d read my mind. The way I’d wondered if there was room for two damaged Johnsons, just a few short days ago. Serious moment now over, Miles’s eyes danced again. “Even considering all our baggage.”
“Amen,” I raised my wine glass in a salute and chugged.
The rest of the week passed in a blur. Some days Robin would stop by and bring me coffee at work but he never lingered. I could see in his eyes that there was distance there. Distance that hadn’t been there before.
I wasn’t sure how to cross that distance.
Wasn’t sure I should, all things considered.
Sunday rolled around faster than expected. With the girl’s play practice behind us, most of my paperwork done, and at least a dozen well-meaning but nosy comments about my new “boyfriend” I was ready for a break.
And to see Robin again.