Page 9 of Joey's Trick
“Be up and ready to leave by eight, sweetie. We’re all going to the beach.”
“Okay, Mom. Goodnight, everyone.”
Without sparing a single glance in Trick’s direction, Joey left the dining room and jogged up the stairs. He knew this would be a mistake. He never should have come. The same insecurities and self-doubt were beating at the solid steel door he’d locked them behind inside his mind. They wanted out. They were screaming to be set free, to eat at the façade he’d crafted painstakingly over the last five years. One of the last conversations with his therapist replayed in his mind.
“I’m going back in a couple of weeks.” Joey didn’t have to tell Dr. Garrett where.
“How does that make you feel?”
Joey ran a hand through his hair. “I fucking hate it. I loathe the idea of ever being near that prick again.”
“Have you reconsidered talking to him about your feelings?”
Snorting, Joey gave Dr. Garrett a sarcastic sneer. “The only thing I want to consider is beating the shit out of him. Talking to him about my feelings? The fucker would probably laugh in my face and call me a fag again.”
“It’s been seven years. Don’t you think maybe he may have changed? Matured as an adult?”
Joey shook his head. “No, I don’t.”
“But you’ve changed. Why is it impossible for him to have grown up in those years?”
Instead of answering her right away, Joey looked around her office for several seconds. There were a handful of framed photos of her with a smiling, attractive blonde woman, including a wedding photo. Dr. Garrett was the only person who knew the truth of his life after leaving Fort Lauderdale, the things he’d done, the self-destructive behavior, and the entire reason he’d started seeing her almost six years ago. Sighing, he slouched in his chair. “I’ve known him for most of my life, doc. I doubt he’s changed. He…”
She waited quietly for him to continue. Lips twisting wryly, Joey finished his thought. “He was always the person I thought I knew the best in my life, aside from my brother, but he proved how wrong I was.”
“I think this visit will be good for you, Joey. It’s a chance to find the closure you need on that part of your life and move forward.”
“That’ll only work if I talk to him, Dr. Garrett, but I’m not even sure I can manage that.” Joey started picking at one of his fingernails. “He’s the reason… no, he’s part of the reason I tried to kill myself.” He knew Trick had only exacerbated the anxiety and depression he already carried with him. Trick wasn’t the only reason he’d done what he’d done.
She gave a small nod and wrote something on her notepad. “It took you a long time to admit that out loud the first time, Joey. You’re making progress with understanding yours and Trick’s role in your decision to hurt yourself.”
Joey snorted. “I hate myself for letting him and his bigoted opinion of me push me that far.”
“Why do you hate yourself for allowing yourself to feel so deeply?”
He scowled and stood, pacing. Restless energy ate at him and he picked up one of the picture frames of the doctor and herwife. “You’ve never felt stupid for being hurt by someone who so obviously hates who you are?”
She hummed. “It’s never stupid to let yourself care, Joey. Why do you think it’s stupid to have cared about someone?”
Joey set the frame down and shrugged. “Because I thought I knew him.”
Before she could respond to him further, the little alert signaling the end of their time together rang out. “I’d like to see you again before you leave for home.”
“It’s not my home,” Joey snapped. “Not anymore.”
Standing, Dr. Garrett came around to his side of the desk. “No matter what has happened in your life, Joey, it is still your home. It’s where your family is and from what you’ve told me, they love you.”
Guilt swiped at Joey, but he shook his head. “I don’t belong there anymore.”
“We’ll explore that further next week, Joey. Stop by and speak with Amy to schedule a time.”
He gave a jerky nod. “I’ll see you then, doc.”
The next morning, Joey got up before everyone else to go for a run. He set the playlist on his phone to his favorite running tunes and placed it in the armband before starting off. It wasn’t long before the usual Florida mugginess caused his shirt to stick to his chest and back. His mind trickled back over the events of the day before and he grit his teeth. Sleep had been elusive. Dreams of Trick plagued him throughout the night. The memory of Trick shattering his heart playing in his mind when he was awake.
His feet pounded the sidewalk as he wove up and down the blocks around his childhood home. Disturbed blasted in his ears, chasing away the insecurities still riding Joey hard, burying them beneath the shield of confidence he’d built up to protect himself. He wouldn’t let Trick get to him again. It would be too much to hope Trick would stay away the rest of his time at his parents’.
By the time he looped back around to his parents’ house, sweat soaked his white shirt completely, becoming translucent. The sun was just above the houses when he came to a stop in front of the house. He did some stretches, cooling down from his run. The back of his neck itched and Joey glanced at the porch to see Trick standing there, watching him with a pained expression.