Page 49 of All Your Pain

“No, they were on the intercom with a delivery and I answered.” Tension evaporates from his shoulders and he tilts his head back slightly as he lets out a breath. Then he nods, motioning for me to continue. “I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. He needed me to open the gate but obviously I didn’t know how, I couldn’t even get out the front door–not that I tried! I wanted him to go away, I told him the gate wasn’t working and he had to leave the package out there. Honestly, Dean, I didn’t say anything about you or try to…”get help,I want to say, but if those words leave my lips then he’ll think I want to leave.

“I believe you. It’s okay. I’m sorry he scared you.” Dean takes hold of my hands and I realize my whole body is trembling. The marks on my stomach throb as a reminder of what happened last time I left through the front door.

“I thought you’d be angry. I wasn’t sure what you would do.”

His lips part for a second before he purses them and his expression hardens but his touch on my hands is still soft as he runs his thumbs over my knuckles in slow soothing motions.

Some of the fear and tension I’ve been holding tight all day starts to fade as I focus on his touch.

“Did he not even leave them out there?” I ask, suddenly feeling pissed off that the guy couldn’t be bothered to listen to me.

Dean scoffs out a small laugh, “he did. They're in the car.”

I slouch back into the sofa and sigh as I run my hands over my face. Was this really a huge overreaction on my end? It’s not like I can just ask Dean what he would do to me if I did try to get someone to call for help. I’m certain I wouldn't even want the answer.

Things have been different lately. He’s been kind and tender, he’s not been forcing me to do anything but my reaction today shows me how I’ve not moved past the fear I originally had for him. I don’t think it ever really left.

He has made it abundantly clear what he’s capable of doing to me if I step out of line, the problem is he’s the only one that knows where the line is.

“I like to think I can trust you, Willow. You’ve not done anything to show me I shouldn’t. Not since this,” he lifts my shirt up and his fingers skate along the ridges of his name. Anytime he looks at it he gets a possessive glimmer in his eye.

“What’s this?” He leans down and picks up the pad of paper I dropped earlier. Out of nowhere, I start to feel embarrassed about the whole thing and I try to take it back from him but he pins me back with one huge palm whilst he holds it out of reach with the other.

“It’s nothing. I was just bored earlier.”

Dean’s quiet as his eyes scan down the page then he looks at me, his brow creased and I brace myself for the rejection that’s about to come.

“What is all this? Why did you want to hide it from me?”

“It’s just some ideas of things I could do.” I dig my nails into my palm to try to center myself and stop the room from spinning.

All of a sudden it feels like the world’s collapsing in on me and any illusions I built up about what my life could be are getting lost in the wreckage.

“I can get you anything you want, baby, if you need me to buy you things for a hobby or if there’s just something you’d like you don’t need to be scared to ask me." There's a trace of pain to his voice like he’s hurt that I didn’t think I could share this with him.

“They’re not just hobbies,” I say quietly. “I—I can’t spend my whole life just waiting for you to come home. I’ve never really had anything in particular I wanted to do with my life. What was the point when I didn’t even know what a normal future was meant to look like? I never had a life before but I want one now.”

“Willow–,”

“I’m not saying I want one without you, I'm just saying I need to have something for myself. You have your job, I want something as well.”

“And this is where you want to start?”

I nod.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

18

DEAN

My stomach's twisted into knots and I wonder if there’s a pain hidden underneath the feeling that I’m unaware of. Would it be the equivalent to a headache or a blade tearing through flesh?

Not knowing exactly what this sensation is supposed to feel like makes my anguish worse.

When I came home today, I thought something bad had happened to Willow and I cursed myself for not being there to protect her but it was just a simple interaction with a person delivering a goddamn package.

They were supposed to be delivered only when I was home and the guy will pay for his fuck up and for scaring my Willow.