Page 93 of All Your Pain
He sits back on his heels and lifts his shirt up. “The sooner this is over the better. Don’t worry, I’ll match you for scars. I’ll go first.” He presses the knife to his skin a few inches under his belly button and a drop of blood trails down.
He's completely lost it. If he cuts into me, he's going to end up killing me. That's if he doesn't end up killing himself first.
“Stop!” I scream so loud my ears ring and my throat feels like it tears. “You are not hurting yourself or this baby!”
“That thing inside you might be just like me. An unfeeling monster hated by everyone,” Dean says, his voice still full of anger but he moves the blade away from his skin.
“It will never be like that! They’ll have us to love them. So please, please stop. For me, please,” I beg.
“You’re still not getting it.”
“I am! I understand you more than you do yourself! You’re not the monster you think you are,” I say my voice softer now. He needs compassion just as much as anyone else. Maybe even more. Screaming at him to stop isn’t going to help.
“What?” he whispers. Confusion and pain are all over his face.
It doesn’t matter if things can't physically hurt him. Clearly, it’s all been hurting him mentally. The scars don't end on his skin, they run so deep that they're all over his heart and mind as well.
“You say you can’t feel pain? You’re wrong. You feel it every waking moment. Whatever's happened to you that hasn't hurt your body has left it's mark so deep that you can still feel it. But you don’t have to keep hurting anymore.”
As his hand shakes, the switchblade drops to the bed. “You have me now,” I say. It’s like he comes out of a trance when he finally looks at me and then at my wrists and my stomach.
“Fuck, Willow. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He frees my wrists and collapses at the foot of the bed with his forehead pressed to my stomach. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers again and I swear it’s to the baby. They’re probably no more than a few cells right now but I hope they hear in their father's voice just how wanted they really are.
I sit up, rubbing my wrists and Dean moves back. The switchblade is still on the bed and I grab it.
Dean’s shoulders slump in defeat and he looks so broken as he stares at my hand.
“Just do it. I swear I’ll do better in the next life.”
I sit up on my knees and grab the bottom of his shirt pulling it up until he lifts his arms and lets me pull it over his head. He looks at me, confused as I hold the blade to his stomach. “I know how sorry you are. This makes us even. No more running off or making decisions for me. Everything we do from now on, we do together.”
My hand shakes but I take a breath to steady myself then I drag the blade across his skin. I watch his face closely for any sign of pain. There’s so much there but none of it is from the cut.
Dean may see his condition as a weakness but I can see how strong it makes him.
I cut one more line into his skin before tossing the blade away.
He watches it fly across the room before he looks down at his stomach.
“I swear to you, on allthreeof our lives, I won’t ever leave you. You’re mine, Dean. You said you’d hunt me down for eternity well you won't have to because I’m not running. In each life, I’ll be waiting for you and this proves it. I love you. If our baby is like you then I’m going to be so damn proud and they’regoing to need their daddy around to teach them how to handle everything.”
“But I don’t know how.”
“But you do. You’ve been handling it by yourself your entire life but you're not alone anymore. We’ll be the perfect team to give this baby a good life. You’re not a monster, no matter how many people told you that. It doesn’t matter what any of them said, what matters is what I’m telling you right now. I love you, Dean Cross, andweare having this baby. Tell me there isn’t a single part of you that doesn’t want it.”
“I…I thought the only way I could keep you was by hurting you. I still want to hurt you.”
“I know. I still want that too. But, Dean, you already have me, you don’t need to prove anything. I’m right here.”
He places his hand over my stomach and closes his eyes. “I want this.”
The tension in my body all fades away at once and my muscles give out. I fall into Dean's chest and wrap my arms around him.
“We’ll figure out what works for us. You might not be able to choke me or cut me but I don’t see any reason why you can’t bite me.” I smile up at him and his devilish smirk comes back
He looks down at the new cuts on his stomach. Now we really do match. A red bloodyXis now under theWILLOWhe cut onto himself before. “You know, you could have just asked? If I knew you wanted to be Willow Cross so bad I would have said yes.”
“You are such an ass!” I laugh and he lies me down onto the bed, his weight bearing down on me, just enough to make me feel comfortably secure.