Page 70 of Grump and Grumpier
It turns out to be surprisingly hard to put a label on how I’m feeling. Eventually, I say, “Yeah, that’s part of it.”
“What is it that’s making you sad?”
“I miss them … even though I don’t think I should miss them. I’m sad at the potential of what could be, but probably never will be.”
Marissa’s still rubbing my back. “What do you mean?”
“When things started, it was just sex, and that was one hundred percent okay with me.”
“I remember,” she says with a grin. “The best sex ever, so much sex.”
Her teasing brings a small smile out of me, making it easier to continue. “They were completely unsuitable for anything more. They were uncommunicative, cold to me when we weren’t having sex, just generally unpleasant. Not at all like men I’d actually fall for.”
Gently, she says, “But you did.”
I nod. “But I think I was projecting things onto them. Noticing every tiny bit of positive behavior and attaching meaning to it, envisioning them like book boyfriends, who’d fulfill my every need in the bedroom and out.”
“You idealized them?”
“I fell hard for them, without even wanting to, and before I even realized it was happening. Then just as I was about to confess to them how I was feeling, the veil slipped away, and they were again the hard, unyielding, bossy … jerks that they were in the beginning. I can’t even figure out what’s real anymore.”
“People are complicated.” We’re both quiet for a minute, then she asks, “What is it that you’d want, in an ideal world?”
If I think too hard about this, I’ll continue to go in circles, so I try to express what’s in my heart. “I care about them. I want to be with them. They’re a part of me now, but I won’t be treated the way they treat me.”
“Have they apologized?”
“Not directly. It’s been more action than words, with all this help they’ve given for Stella and Jessie. They also apologized to the person they fired and they talked him into keeping his job.”
“Actions are important.”
“Yeah, they’ve never been great with words. That’s been pretty consistent.”
“It seems like they care about you, even if they might not know how to express it. Do you think you could talk to them about what you want and need from them, and see if they’re willing to give that to you?”
“Maybe … once I figure that out for myself.”
Marissa chuckles softly. “You’re so good at helping others find the right path for themselves, both at work and with your friends. Isn’t it funny how you don’t know what you want your own path to be?”
When Stella and Jessie get home, Stella has a shipping box in her arms that appears to be heavy, based on her posture. “Delivery for you, Ana.”
She hands it off to me, and it weighs even more than I anticipated. It’s definitely not lingerie, but I take it to my room for privacy, just in case, especially since we have a young person living with us now.
I peel off the strip of packing tape on the top and open it to find two stacks of paperback books. Most of the covers are dark and feature shirtless men and beautiful women. A few are brightly colored with illustrated figures. All of the books are romance.
There’s no note, but there’s also no mystery about the sender, either.
I spread the books on my floor and search for a shared theme—Multiple partners? Office romance? Domineering men?—but I don’t see any commonalities. Several are new releases, and all of them are new to me.
I haven’t been in the mood to read lately, partly because I’m missing Derek and Jansen, and partly because I’m not sure how I feel about love at the moment, but this is still one of the best gifts someone could give me.
I send a text to both of them: “Thank you for the books.” I’m about to tell them they don’t need to sendgifts, but a reply comes through before I can add to my message.
“Will you come for a walk with us this evening?” Derek writes.
“A walk?”
“We’d like to talk to you. Thought we could walk around your neighborhood. But we’d like to take you to dinner if you prefer.”