Page 102 of First Surrender
A drop of moisture escapes the corner of my eye and hits his thumb where it’s resting on my cheek. It’s too dark for him to see, but I feel him rub it against my skin.
He knows I’m not ready to put myself out there completely but he accepts me anyway. He’ll hide my tears away for now because he’s a patient man, but I know it won’t always be like this.
Every day with him, I can feel myself opening up more, freeing myself from my insecurities. One day, I’ll expose my heart and soul for him and it will be the last time I’ll ever have to do so because I know he’ll keep it safe. He’ll cherish all of me like I cherish him.
“Jackson,” I whisper against his lips, dying to tell him the words I feel, but as usual they get stuck in my throat. I’ve never felt as scared as I do when it’s time to be vulnerable.
“What do you need, sweetheart?” His movements stall and I know it’s my fault. He needs to know I’m alright.
“I need you, forever. Okay?” I ask, grinding in his lap, still seeking the connection I can only get from him. “I need you more than anything and it scares me.”
“I need you, too. You don’t have to be scared. I’ve got you,” he groans involuntarily when I increase my pace, fucking him desperately. If I can’t use my words tonight, I’ll use my body.
“I need this, too. Fill me, please. I want your baby growing inside of me,” I beg and he breathes a sigh of relief.
“Fuck, yes.” He grips my hips with brutal strength, lifting and dropping me, impaling me aggressively. It’s everything I needed and all I can do is hold on as he consumes me, my fingers tangled tightly in his hair and around his neck.
“God, I can’t stop but I need to make you cum,” he says through heavy breaths. Having him so wild and unhinged beneath me feels too good, I don’t want to slow down. All I want is for him to lose himself in me.
“No, don’t be nice right now. You can make it up to me later, fuck me. Harder,” I demand, yanking his head back so I can kiss him. He takes my queue, slamming into me, slamming me into him, over and over until I know the entire SUV is rocking uncontrollably.
It’s like I’m on another plain, getting to experience the unrestrained force of a man and reaping all of the benefits. It’s a soul-changing experience and I understand just how lucky I am to be safe in his arms.
The tears running down my cheeks now are nothing but chaotic and pleasure-filled. His cock pounds into me so hard that I can hardly catch my breath and I love it.
“So… Close,” he mumbles through his exertion.
“Give it to me, baby. Please,” I plead with the man who always gives me what I want and owns me entirely. The man who is going to give me a family and love me eternally.
“Fuck,” he groans, stilling inside of me. His warmth fills me and makes me feel whole. For the first time in my life, I know I’m exactly where I need to be.
I kiss him lazily, pouring my heart out, wishing I was brave enough to say the words. He deserves them.
“You called me, baby,” he says softly.
“Don’t get used to it, Hercules, I was only testing it out.” I laugh, quietly, kissing him on the nose.
“I love you, Nat. I know you’re not ready to say it, but I need to. I love you enough for the both of us.” He kisses me, erasing the need to respond and giving me an out because he knows I won’t be able to say it back.
“You don’t need to, not for the both of us,” I insist, covering my heart with his hand so he understands what I mean. I have the love, I just can’t say the words.
“I know,” he whispers. “I know.”
After a few minutes, we manage to scramble inside the house somewhat decently before he makes up for my earlier missed orgasm with two in the shower and another once we’re in bed.
Always the overachiever.
* * *
“Should we go get ice cream?” I ask Dec as soon as he steps off the school bus on his last day of school. I’m over the moon that I got him through this school year and after spending some time with Ms. Malec this afternoon in the sun, I need a treat.
“Uh. Yeah!” Dec shouts and runs to my car.
It’s a beautiful day and we drive to the ice cream shop with the windows down. Dec insists we sit outside and enjoy our cones at the picnic tables to celebrate the start of summer vacation.
All of the worry over giving him a normal childhood and it’s sitting at this poorly stained red picnic table, surroundedby other families, and more than a few curious bees, that I finally feel like I’m accomplishing my goal. It wasn’t anything extravagant, but rather the simplicity of a basic celebratory afternoon that has me feeling like I can actually do this.
I can be a mother to Dec, I can show him how easy it is to love him, and he’ll never have to worry about belonging anywhere.