Page 61 of First Surrender
“Tell me that you don’t think about our night together. Tell me that it’s history and I’ll move on.”
She glances over her shoulder at me briefly but doesn’t say anything. Her brows are furrowed as if she’s contemplating her next words.
“Tell me that I’m no better than any of the other guys you’ve been seeing.”
She turns to look at me fully and her eyes are shooting flames. “Jesus, Jackson. I only ever talk about other guys to get under your skin. The customers that flirted with me at the coffee shack sucked. I only went to dinner with Ty because I was using him for a free meal.”
“And? You stayed with some random guy after leaving the hotel,” I include childishly.
“Dec and I stayed in an Air B&B for a few days, that’s all. Theodore was the owner’s name if you’re worried about it, he has gray hair, walks with a cane, and so kindly rents out his garage for cheap.” She rolls her eyes and grumbles to herself. “There is no one. Okay? I’m as alone as I’ve ever been. Drop it.”
“What about your shirts?” She’s changed since this morning, but the wildcat football t-shirt is engraved in my mind.
“What shirts?”
“The ones you were wear to bed. Or, you know, if you can even remember which guys they belong to.”
Her eyes zone out for a moment like she’s struggling to remember what I’m referring to then she sighs. The thing that has given me so much grief makes her sigh in annoyance.
“I haven’t been with anyone since I lived in New York. The shirts that I sleep in are thrifted. Most of my clothes are second-hand. Happy?”
Am I happy? Honestly, I’m fucking thrilled. All this time I’ve been cringing at the nightmarish thought of her with anyone else and it was all made up in my mind.
Before she can register it, I’m on her, scooping her up by her thighs and setting her on the kitchen counter. She lets out a squeak in midair but doesn’t fight me.
“You have no idea how happy I am.”
“Why?”
“Because, Natalie. I want you. So, desperately. I want to kiss you and touch you like I did when you gave me a taste the first time. I think about it every day, every night. Don’t tell me that you haven’t thought about me.”
She looks away again, but I pull her chin back with my finger. My body is crowded between her thighs, she can’t go anywhere.
“Jackson, I can’t.”
I don’t know if she means that she can’t tell me what I want to hear or that she can’t do this, but I’m not letting her run from me.
“Why, sweetheart? Tell me why we should fight this?”
She makes that sweet noise. The one I’ve been dreaming about and I grasp her hips in my hands. I want her so bad. I always have.
“Tell me that you don’t hate me like you say you do.” I run my nose along her collarbone and up her neck until I feel her shiver. My fingers dig into her soft flesh harder, tugging her to my body tighter. “Tell me.”
Her hands thread through my hair and I sigh in relief until she uses it to pull my head back. “I can’t do this, Jackson. Please.” She pleads with watery eyes.
I’ll never take that word for granted. Please is her safe word whether she realizes it or not. I have to respect it.
What the hell have I done to this woman to make her cry so many times in so many days? Maybe I am a bigger asshole than I ever realized.
I pick her up by her hips and set her feet gently on the ground. As much as it pains me to, I step away.
She hates me and I have to accept it. The need that I feel is one-sided and it always will be.
She’s here for one purpose, to secure her future with Dec.
A heavy silence settles between us but I don’t want to wake up tomorrow with a canyon between us like before. Even if we always remain in neutral territory around each other.
I have to clear the thickness from my throat before I can speak. “It’s supposed to rain the next few days, do you think you could make me that soup again? The one you brought when you came here for the first time,” I utter my question, needing to leave this moment on good terms.