Page 70 of The Golden Boys
“Your first time shouldn’t be because you want to get losing your virginity out of the way.”
She’s quiet and, as a change of pace, she’s actually listening. There’s a long stretch of time that she simply paces back and forth across her floor, but some of the fight seems to leave her and she sits again.
It isn’t lost on me how uncomfortable this must be, but it’s uncomfortable for me, too.
There’s something she wants to ask. I can tell by how she lowers her gaze to her nails as she fidgets with them.
“I’m listening,” I remind her, hoping to make it easier for her to speak openly.
She hesitates a few seconds longer, but eventually softens.
“How old were youyourfirst time?”
I glance down at the floor, unable to hold back images of that night.
“Sixteen and a half,” I answer. “Nearly two years ago.”
She nods and some of the tension leaves her shoulders. “And … have you done it with a lot of guys since then?”
A small laugh slips out despite the tears still falling from my eyes. “Nope. Just the one guy.”
Finally, her gaze wanders to meet mine. “Ricky?”
I nod thoughtfully. “Yep.”
She nods, too, when my answer seems to confirm what she already knew. “Did you love him?”
A sharp breath puffs from my lips.
“I did,” I admit, “but it will never work between us. He’s set in his ways, in his lifestyle, and I’m not willing to accept that. Not after seeing how quickly things turned bad for Hunter.”
Instead of firing off another question, Scar just sits and thinks for a moment, giving me a chance to brace myself for the next one.
“What about West?”
Her tone always softens when she mentions him. It’s innocent and mostly harmless that she seems to think the world of him, but it does concern me that she’s not a better judge of character.
“What about him?” I fire back.
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Do you think you guys might … you know?”
There’s no hint of laughter in her tone, only genuine concern and curiosity. We don’t talk about stuff like this often, so she seems to be feeling me out.
“Things with West are … complicated,” I answer honestly. “So, I can safely say the answer to your question is no.”
When I smile at her, she smiles back. Answering questions about me and Ricky was not how I wanted to spend my evening, but if being transparent with my sister makes it easier for her to open up, then I’ll do it.
“What about you?” I ask. “Do you think you love Shane?”
There’s a long pause and I’m not surprised she doesn’t have an immediate answer.
“We’ve been friends so long, sometimes it’s hard to tellwhatI feel for him,” she admits. “I do know I care about him. And that I’d feel weird if he decided to be with someothergirl.”
I watch her as she sorts through her feelings.
“That’s normal,” I assure her. “Sometimes, the traits that draw us to a guy as friends blur the lines a bit. That’s kind of what happened with me and Ricky.”
She seems to understand, and I hope she does. I don’t want her to feel ashamed about this, but there is definitely a lesson to be learned.