Page 61 of King of Liars

His brow twitched, and his lips quivered. “I just found out about it, Aiden. I was trying to figure out how the fuck to deal with it. A part of me rationalized, since I was a knight and knew about this, maybe I could find a way to get him help. I mean, hell, the whole idea of being a knight was that I wanted to protect him. Be with him. It’s like I’ve always seen through his mask, watching this child screaming in the night, begging for me to help him. I just wanted to help him.”

I could relate to the sentiment all too well. And even after what a total bastard King had been that night, part of me wanted to help that kid who was clearly so wounded, he felt he had to act out his pain in this way.

“Corey and I were talking about it,” he went on. “Corey’s gotten into therapy and is now looking into potentially getting into a healthy BDSM relationship with a guy who wants to sub for him. But they’re taking things slow. King wasn’t kidding around when he said that what we do is nothing like BDSM. What Corey wants is something that sounds safe and fulfilling. What we do is just about helping King hurt himself, punish himself, and avoid the help he needs.”

“And punishing ourselves,” I noted.

It all made so much sense, the missing pieces of the puzzle falling into place. The way he’d sought us out, guys who would help him act out this dark desire within himself. The way he kept us at a distance so we wouldn’t know enough to back down from what he needed us to do. His desperate need to control us.

“We all want to help him,” I said, “but especially knowing this—now that I know this was his version of what I’ve been grappling with—I know it was the right thing to walk away. This isn’t helping any of us.”

“It doesn’t keep me from feeling this…fucking withdrawal. God, it’s only been a few hours, and it feels too hard to live through.”

“I’m here,” I reminded him.

He took the hand I had against his face and gripped on, leaning close to me and offering a kiss. Then another. “And this reminds me that I can be fine. Not that I am, but that I will be…one day.”

“So the King of Liars lied about the journal thing?”

“Misdirected, at least. There’s nothing in the rules about him violating our privacy. Doubt he gives a shit about getting Hole to go through my journal.”

Our discussion had been illuminating, but there was one more thing burning on my mind. “This feels so stupid to bring up now, but when you said you loved him… I get it, or I’m trying to. I don’t know what exactly we are even, but I don’t need you to magically feel some way about me right now.”

Ryan’s eyes widened, as though he was surprised by my comment.

Maybe I’d revealed too much. Maybe I’d fucking scared him off on the same night I’d walked out of King’s fucked-up kingdom.

He rested his hand on my shoulder, massaging gently. “I care about King, yes, but I’ve figured out that what I feel for him…have felt for him for some time…that’s not love. I couldn’t have known that until I met you.”

My cheeks caught fire.

“Oh fuck,” he said. “I’m not meaning to say— Shit. I just meant that I know what something healthy feels like, and it’s not whatever I shared with King. I wasn’t meaning to jump the gun and…”

I laughed uncomfortably. “Of course not. It’s not like we’ve even known each other long enough to feel anything like that.”

He studied me for a moment, as though my thoughts were written across my face.

“But I do feel something…very strong for you,” Ryan added. “I’m falling hard.”

“I worry I’m falling a little harder.”

“I don’t think you have much to worry about, then.” He moved in and kissed me again, the sensation stirring a sort of confidence—mixed with the strength he had been willing to grant me as I’d shared my story. Nothing I’d done with King could have ever given me what Ryan’s kiss gave me in that moment.

I only hoped it did the same for Ryan.

19

King

He left me.

No one leaves me.

I sat at my bedroom vanity, studying my expression in the mirror, but looking far beyond my reflection.

“I decide when it ends,” I said to myself, imagining Boss when he’d dashed out of the basement earlier in the night.

Fuck Boss. Fuck him!