Page 82 of Shephard
It wasn’t working.
I placed the bags by the stairs, shocked I didn’t toss them there instead. She was the single person who could regularly get under my skin, crawling into my entire system.
She was mumbling under her breath, likely cursing the day she met me. I couldn’t blame her and usually I would say I didn’t give a shit. Another fucking lie. I was good at that. I had a difficult time moving, starting up the stairs instead. The house was way too much for me. I couldn’t care less. Shit. I didn’t even know what I cared about any longer.
I’d taken the room at the end of the hall, but had only been in there a few hours combined. I hadn’t unpacked, grabbing what I’d needed prior to taking a shower. In my mind, she would be too close even with a long hallway between us. Next, I’d be locking my bedroom door. At least the thought brought some levity to the moment.
The last three nights I’d had maybe five hours of sleep combined. I’d searched and used up a couple of favors in trying to locate Boris. If he was planning his revenge, he was laying low, which was in his best interest. He was considered Russia’s most notorious criminal and from what I’d been told, there was a no-holds-barred attempt to recapture him.
If that happened, he would be put to death.
Unless I got to him first.
My instincts were usually spot on. I was certain they were at this point.
She was huffing behind me. I honestly doubted she understood her ex was only part of the reason she was in danger. I alsosuspected the jerk who’d gotten away from the mountain wasn’t too happy with what had occurred. Neither were the people he was working for. In my experience, that usually meant retaliation. At least being on my own turf, I could protect her.
“Why the animosity between you and your brothers?” she spit out. Her anger wasn’t going to leave so quickly.
I thought about her question and shook my head. She deserved a decent answer if nothing else. I couldn’t give her anything else at this point. “I don’t honestly know. We always competed. Our father pushed us to do so. Plus, my brothers are just like me in attitude and demeanor.”
“Great. There are three of you in the world. Fabulous.”
It was my turn to issue a deep breath, hating myself for the tension I’d created.
“I’m sorry, Shephard. You saved my life twice and here I am being nasty to you. I don’t know what you went through, although I might be able to make a pretty educated guess. I’m just saddened that it’s turned you into such a broken man incapable of sharing your feelings. Wants. Needs. You only allow the most primal ones to float to the surface and only when you say so. Yeah, I am damaged to a point and ashamed for falling for Jameson’s bullshit, but I won’t lose myself completely because of one asshole. So, I’m sorry. What I said wasn’t fair.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry about, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me your fucking sweetheart unless you mean it!” Her voice had raised enough Pepper reacted. I heard the dog’s tail thumping, but I also sensed her disapproval. “Finish what you were saying. Be truthful to yourself if you can’t to me. Why don’t you get along with your brothers?”
“Maybe because we’re too much alike. I also think maybe because all three of us entered the military in different branches. Our father encouraged us to do that. Be all that you can be. The truth is, I haven’t thought about it over the last few years.”
“Because you didn’t want to see them or just didn’t care about anyone but yourself?”
I finally swung around to face her. “Care? Why should I care about a man who was trained to become a goddamn killer without feelings or remorse? Why should I ever give a second thought to a man who didn’t fear taking the lives of family members if that’s what it took to complete a mission? Why should I give a flying fuck about a robot who performed like some freaking seal when called upon? Sure, I’m a rich man because of it and I was convinced at one point I was ridding the world of the worst roaches and snakes on earth. But I don’t know any longer if what I did mattered to the world or to anyone.”
My outburst hung in the air like a noose ready to snap around my neck.
Her entire face fell at the same time that her eyes opened wide. “Of course you cared. You did what you thought was right. You want to know why? Because deep inside you’re a very good man with a heart. And a soul. I’ve seen it. Don’t forget. Never forget the man your mother raised you to be.”
God, how I wanted to react in a way that would matter to her. Yet I knew deep inside wanting her would never be enough. I had nothing else to give her. “That’s where you’re wrong.”
Sighing, she looked away briefly.
“Families always have issues, Shephard. I didn’t get along with my sister when I was growing up, but we’re close now and I don’tknow why I wasted so much time. You need to bury the hatchet with them. Your father wants you to connect and be strong together. Take that as a gift from him.”
“You don’t know my father. Major fucking asshole.”
“No, but I assume he’s a proud man who finds it difficult to convey emotions. Don’t be him.”
“You’re right about him and his inabilities, but so what?”
“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. That is just so very sad to me. I see a light inside, but it’s not going to be there for long.”
“There is no light, Denise, just extreme darkness. You might be right, but it’s too late for me.”
“It’s never too late. Never. My father was the same, but as he got older, he’s become very emotional. I finally asked my mother why. She said it was because he’s realized he wasted so many amazing years and experiences. Don’t do that to yourself, Shephard. You might not believe this, but you’ll regret not showing your feelings more than anything in your life as you get older.”