Page 28 of Hannah.
His vagueness is frustrating me. “Okay, and? Do you love her back?”
Johan sucks in a sharp breath through his nose, his eyes locking onto mine. He drops the act, and it shakes me to my core to see how distressed and confused he is. His fists open and clench over and over, and his woodsy, spicy scent is all around me.
Johan has never looked better to me, but he has never been more forbidden.
Walking forward to bring himself closer to me, he licks his lips before continuing, “Let’s just say that your arrival on campus has made things a little more complicated for me.”
Energy snaps in the air between us, charged with a potent mixture of desire and restraint, causing my heart to pound faster. Inches apart, our breaths mingle, creating a tangibletension that wraps around us like a vice. Johan's eyes flicker down to my lips, a silent invitation nearly pulling me into the abyss of a forbidden kiss.
“I don't see why,” I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper. Temptation is a tantalizing force, and I try to escape it by stepping back. My senses are suddenly jolted back to reality when my back meets the cool, unyielding surface of the wall, trapping me, while his proximity threatens to shatter my resolve. “Astrid loves you, and she’s a wonderful woman. You should give her a chance.” My tone isn’t as determined as I wanted it to be, and Johan picks up on that. He takes a step forward, closing the small space between us. My heart rate brisks at the proximity, and my lips part as our eyes lock.
“Why are you so worried about Astrid and me?” His voice is low and warm, his presence overwhelming.
“Because she’s a good person,” I pull off, fueled by my determination to protect my friend's heart. I hold his gaze and add with conviction, “I want her to be happy, and I can’t fathom doing anything with the man she loves.”
“What if I want…” His gaze trails down to my lips, stopping there. “Someone else?”
My heart skips a beat at his question, my mouth gap wide open, but I’m left speechless.
Johan tilts his head to the side, and I’m sure for a second that he’s going to press his lips to mine. There is so little space left between us that I can feel his breath ghosting across my face, causing my heartbeat to pound so loud in my chest that I’m sure he can hear it. Oh gosh… it’s too much.
Turning my body, I try to escape, but in a flash, Johan’s hands come up to bracket me in, hands splayed out on each side of the wall next to me. I gasp.
“Is this really what you want?” he demands, his eyes searching for my averted gaze. “Me with her?”
Swallowing hard, I nod. “Yes, that’s exactly what I want.”
Cornered, I find myself trapped against the wall, his hands on either side of me, effectively blocking any escape. His gaze continues searching mine, demanding honesty, and I feel the weight of his scrutiny as he lifts my chin gently, forcing me to meet his eyes.
“Look me in the eye.” His soft command causes my heart to skip a beat and my breath to quicken. “And say what you want, word for word.”
At that moment, my conflicting desires wage war within me. I want to give in, to succumb to the magnetic pull between us. His dark and intense eyes draw me in, promising a world of passion and longing.
“Johan…” I shut my eyes, leaning my head back against the wall in an attempt to regain my rational mind. The image of Astrid’s tear-streaked face flashes before my eyes, a stark reminder of the consequences of my actions. “I just want us to be friends,” I lie, my voice trembling slightly as I speak. “Like we used to.”
I avert my gaze, unable to bear the intensity of his scrutiny. I can’t believe I just lied to his face, but at the same time, what choice did he leave me? Beneath the surface of it all, the undeniable yearning lingers, destined to go unanswered yet again.
Johan’s eyes flicker, a mix of resignation and hurt. “Thanks for clarifying,” he says, his voice oddly neutral. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
And just like that, he steps back, putting distance between us. The charged atmosphere evaporates as he walks away. Watching him leave the room, I’m left in a whirlwind of emotions—attraction, regret, and a deep pang of longing.
God, did I really give up the chance to be with Johan after all these years of wanting him? The raw energy between us hasbeen undeniable, a force so strong it felt like it could drown us, and now we’re finally in a place where we could act on it. But of course, we can’t. The thought of hurting Astrid is just too much to bear.
I take a deep breath, eyes fluttering shut, trying to steady my racing heart and sort through the chaos in my mind. His eyes, presence, and scent…. stick in my thoughts. With every heartbeat, I question my decision, wondering if I’ve just let go of something extraordinary.
9
Johan
Phone in hand,the Uber app open, I walk halfway out the long driveway twice before deciding to stay. I’m so full of conflicting emotions that I can’t even pinpoint what I’m feeling right now. Part of me wants to leave terribly, but if I do, Hannah will know just how much her rejection broke me.
Because it did, in all sorts of unexpected ways, and even now that she’s told me she’s not interested, I want her just as much…maybe even more.
But Hannah has to be a decent person and worry about Astrid while I come out looking like the asshole for trying to let her down easily. I’ve lost both the girl I was dating and the girl that I’ve wanted for years. Now, what the hell am I supposed to do?
I rejoin the lively party, desperately trying to drown the intensity of our conversation in the cheerful atmosphere and laughter around me. It’s almost a full night now, but the estate’s back deck area is beautifully lit, and everyone seems to be havinga great time. This will be a fake it until I make it situation for me; I know it.
Conrad spots me in seconds and disengages from the small group he is with, heading over with his usual cheerful grin.