Page 31 of Hannah.
“Cheers,” I reply, but my heart isn’t in it. Tucking my feet beneath me, I broach the subject that drove me outside in the first place. “So you and Johan are back together, I see…?”
Astrid’s eyes glinted with newfound happiness, her smile bright in the dark. “Yes! It was just a miscommunication, I guess. If he’s not ready to commit, I’m okay with that. Some men need more time.”
Just a miscommunication? Her words make my stomach tighten. “But what if he never commits to you?”
Astrid’s laughter rings out. “For now, I’m just enjoying the ride. I like being with him,” she says, endlessly optimistic. “Not to mention the sex is great. I’ll take that over a dildo any day.”
If what she said before made my stomach hurt, there is bile rising in my throat now. The last thing I want is to picture the two of them in bed together.
I want to tell her that it’s a bad idea and that she’s just giving in because she doesn’t want to lose him, not because she’s actually okay with being just friends with benefits with Johan forever. But she’s so damn happy that I can’t get the thoughts out. I don’t want to burst her happiness for the second time today, even if I’m positive she’s selling herself short. So, in the quiet of the night, I swallow my words, the truth too hurtful to share.
I meet her gaze, finding a quiet strength in her eyes behind the inebriated haze. “If you’re happy,” I say, trying not to sound hesitant. “Then I’m happy for you.”
She beams, leaning her head on my shoulder. “Thank you, Hannah. Really, I mean it.”
God, this is so hard. My feelings for Johan are vast and overwhelming, and they are in constant competition with the friendship I now share with Astrid. I’m tangled in a mess, questioning every decision I’ve made tonight. Did I misjudge Johan? Was I too hasty in pushing him away? And Astrid…she deserves happiness, too. Her heart is tender, and she's hoping for a love that might be just out of reach.
Holding my glass, I find myself thinking about what in the heck I’m supposed to do now. It’s like trying to navigate a maze blindfolded, each step uncertain, each turn leading to an unknown destination. Never in a million years did I think I’d see Johan here, or that I’d make such a dear friend, and that Johan would be dating that dear friend. How is my luck so damn bad?
I tilt my head towards the stars but don’t find any answers there, either. At this point, I expected to be getting into the rhythm of being a college student, not grappling with the complexities of love and friendship. The night sky offers no easy solutions, only the vast expanse of the universe.
Astrid interrupts my musing with a little giggle, asking, “So…enough about me, what about you and Conrad?”
I still, holding my breath. “What about us?”
She lifts her head to look at me, still grinning. “Oh, you know! He’s cute, isn’t he? And he’s obviously into you.”
I fight the urge to wrinkle my nose. Even if Conrad did spark interest in me, the idea of having feelings for another man when I’m still so conflicted by Johan seems like it would be hell on earth. I can only take so much at once.
“Oh…well, I guess. It’s nice that we get along, but I’m not sure there’s anything else besides possible friendship,” I explain, attempting to brush off the subject, though my words fall flat.
Astrid catches the hesitation in my voice. “You seem a bit down. Is everything alright?” Her concern digs deeper than I expected.
I muster a smile, hoping to mask the chaos inside of me. “Just tired, you know? Do you mind if I crash early?”
She shakes her head, blond hair flying. “Not at all. We're heading back to Cambridge early tomorrow anyway. Get some rest,” Astrid replies kindly, patting me on the leg. Just as I start to stand and turn away, she adds something that makes me feel miserable all over again.
“Hannah, I appreciate you being here for me when I was feeling down. Thank you.”
There’s a sincerity in her tone that makes my heart ache. I’ve been lying to her this whole time, stealing from her exhibit and having almost-kisses with her boyfriend, and now she’s thanking me.
“Oh, it’s nothing.” It’s another lie, but it sounds real enough coming out. “Good night, Astrid.” Walking away from her, my steps heavy with contemplation, I step back into the warmth of the house. The port wine swirls in my glass, crimson and dark—sort of like how I feel right now…dark, dreary, and heavy.
I finish the drink, grimacing at its thick sweetness, and set the glass down on a side table as I head upstairs. Is it the wine making my head spin, or the fact that Astrid and Johan have rekindled their connection while I’m left reeling? My mind swirls with the thought of how Johan went from almost kissing me to sleeping with Astrid—all in the span of less than an hour.
The ghost of that almost kiss lingers in my thoughts, a tantalizing whisper of what could have been. It mirrored so perfectly the incident in Oma’s office during my brother’s wedding that it makes my chest tight to think about it.
The uncertainty claws at me, leaving me breathless and wanting. As I rush to my bedroom, my cheeks are heated from the memories of Johan being so close to me. Tonight, something fundamental has shifted, but it might be too late to grab what I want before it disappears for good.
I retreat to my room, the door closing behind me with a soft click, shutting out the noise of the party. I sit on the edge of the bed, my mind a chaotic mess. Thoughts of Johan and the almost-kiss dance through my head over and over, the moment playing on repeat like a glitching screen. It leaves me wondering if I should have acted differently. Regret sinks its claws into my heart, and I can't shake the feeling that this night, with all itsunspoken words and unfulfilled potential, will haunt me for a long time.
11
Hannah
The next morning,I rise from my restless sleep, peaceful until the memories of the previous night start crashing in.
Astrid and Johan—their breakup, makeup, and Johan almost kissing me between them—ugh. I just want to leave this house and return to my dorm.