Page 65 of Hannah.
“I know. That's what's so frustrating. He's being a complete ass. I know we said casual, and I agreed to that. But things have changed. For me, at least. And it's not fair that he’s treating me like this.”
“No, it's not. I agree.”
“I wish I could just make him understand how much I love him, but…he’s so stubborn sometimes, it's ridiculous.” She pauses for a beat, heaving a long sigh, and ponders further. “Or maybe he’s right, and we need to end this thing and move on.”
That would solve a lot of problems. But what's more important: Astrid and Johan's relationship or my desire to bewith Johan? I have no claim on him, not really, and I have no business inserting myself into their relationship.
Even though I know what the right answer is, what the selfless choice is, the words slip out. “Maybe that would be a good idea.”
She frowns. “I just don't think I can. Our families are close, and we’ll be running into each other all the time. It’ll be hard to really lose the connection.”
“Okay, but you can take a break from him. Tell him you won’t hang out anymore, at least for a while.”
Astrid sniffs and wipes her eyes again. “I could. Or….”
“Or?”
She hesitates, furrowing her brow while biting her lip before continuing with a slight shrug and a tone tinged with defiance. “I could just make him jealous. Show him what he’s missing.”
I squeeze my eyes shut in confusion, trying to make sense of her plan. “I’m not sure I understand. How do you make him jealous?”
Astrid crosses her arms, tilting her chin up as she stares off into the distance as if picturing the scene in her mind. “By hanging out with someone else. Going on dates, having a good time.”
Reaching out, I place my hand gently on her arm and soften my tone as I look into her eyes. “Astrid, no. Don’t do something you'll regret. Let's take a step back.”
“I wouldn't regret it,” she replies, sounding more confident than she has since she's been here. “If it's someone I’m not actually interested in and who isn't interested in me, then it's fine. Just someone to go to the movies, have coffee and go dancing. The idea is to make him see what he could be missing, you know?”
“I don't know. It seems manipulative. And risky. What if the other person ends up falling for you?”
There's this look on her face that makes me think she's going to be stuck on this idea no matter what I say. It’s not like her dating someone else would be a bad thing, but this poor other guy she'd be stringing along would be an innocent victim of this mess that Johan and I have made. Any man besides Johan would be immediately smitten with Astrid, I have no doubt. She's gorgeous and smart and so sweet. No one else deserves to get their heart broken in all of this.
Finally, she nods once. “Okay, I won’t do anything rash. I'll give it some time.”
I don't know if I believe her, but it's all I can get for me. “I think that’s a good idea.”
She sighs heavily, putting her hands behind her on the mattress and leaning back. Astrid opens her mouth like she's about to say something, but then, out of nowhere, a huge crack of thunder echoes from outside. Astrid and I both jump, and we laugh nervously, looking at each other. The shock takes away a lot of the tension from our conversation, and I realize that no matter who hurts Astrid, I need to be here for her. She came to me for support, and I’m going to give it to her if I can.
The rain starts to pour outside, drumming steadily against the window as I grab my laptop and pull up Netflix. I settle on the bed in front of Astrid and plop down next to her, nudging her playfully with my shoulder. “Let’s watch a movie. Something funny. Stay here till it stops raining, at least, and let's try to get your mind off everything.”
She gives me a sideways glance, her eyes searching mine with concern. “Don’t you have class tomorrow morning?”
I wave it off with a grin, shaking my head. “It’s alright; it’s at 9 a.m.”
She looks at me for a long moment, her eyes brightening, and for the first time tonight, her expression isn't weighed down bysadness. “You’re the best, Hannah. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
A warmth fills my chest as I return her smile, knowing that in this simple gesture, I’ve managed to ease her worries, even if just for a moment.
“I should be the one thanking you,” I tell her, my tone laced with sincerity. “Now, let's figure out what to watch.”
We find a comedy and then settle in. Soon, we’re giggling nonstop as the movie progresses. As the night goes on, Astrid lays on her belly on the bed, still watching the laptop, but her eyelids start to lower. In a few more minutes, she's sound asleep, and I pull the blanket over her so she doesn't get cold.
As the night wears on, the rain outside doesn't let up. I try to lay next to her and get some sleep, staring up at the ceiling and listening to the water droplets hitting the windowpane outside. But sleep never comes—if anything, I feel more restless. If Astrid ever finds out I’m the reason Johan wants to break up, she will never forgive me. What would I do if I lost the best friend I’ve ever had?
Moving as quietly as I can, I grab my phone from the bedside table and tap the screen to see what time it is. 11:45 p.m. Late, but not impossibly so. If I text someone, there's a chance they might still be awake….
Looking over at Astrid, sleeping soundly with her head pillowed by her arm, I hesitate. All this time I’ve spent with her tonight has really made me reevaluate if what I’m about to do with Johan is right. His offer to spend the weekend together isn't just romantic; it comes with the expectation that we will do things I’ve never done before. And I really, really want to. I’ve wanted him all these years and even hungered for him, but now that he’s within my reach, I don't know if I can do it.
It’d be so easy to hate Astrid for being the sole obstacle to Johan and me giving into our mutual attraction, but I just can’t.