Page 34 of Out of Nowhere

Seo-jun got dressed, and the two men left the hotel. Consulting their phones, they found a restaurant and drove there in their rental car. The entire time, Seo-jun kept thinking about things he hadn’t thought about in years. He hadn’t expected that being in California again would bring so many memories surging back of when he’d lived there before.

“Is something wrong?” Dex asked as they walked across the parking lot to the restaurant. “You have an odd look on your face.”

“No, I’m good.” Seo-jun attempted a smile as he recognized the restaurant as part of a chain he and Haru had eaten at many times in San Francisco.

As they followed the hostess to their seats, Seo-jun considered opening up to Dex. He’d never talked about his time with Haru with anyone. But he trusted Dex, and he wanted him to know he was important to him.

After the waiter poured them some wine, Seo-jun said, “Actually, something is bothering me.”

Putting down his glass, Dex gave him his undivided attention.

“I didn’t expect so many memories to flood back from when I lived here.”

“Bad memories?” Dex asked.

Seo-jun licked his lips. “It’s complicated. I told you I had a relationship with a man while I lived in San Francisco.”

Dex nodded. “The one you came to America to be with.”

“Right. His name was Izumi Haru, and he was almost twenty years older than I was.”

Dex’s eyes widened. “Wow. How old were you then?”

“Eighteen when I arrived here, but I’d been talking to him on the internet for two years. Haru was nearly forty,”

Dex frowned. “That’s a little…”

“Creepy?”

Dex nodded. “Well, yeah. But maybe it wasn’t for the two of you?”

Seo-jun chuckled darkly. “Oh, I think it was. I just didn’t realize it then. Looking back on it, I can see so clearly now how he lured me here.”

“He groomed you,” Dex said quietly.

Seo-jun nodded. “Yes.”

“I’m sorry, Seo-jun.”

Somehow, the words helped. He smiled ruefully. “It’s fucked up, I know. I didn’t expect to step off the plane and suddenly be bombarded with memories that, now that I’m older, are frankly disturbing. It’s like, facing them now, I’m seeing them for the first time for what they were. I thought Haru and I were in a relationship, but it wasn’t at all the way I saw it then. I realized that long ago, of course, once I was old enough to get some perspective, but now that I’m here, I’m being assaulted with memories I didn’t even know were stored in my subconscious.”

Dex thought a moment before saying, “Maybe you need some closure. Do you think it would help you to go back to San Francisco? You know, see things in a new light?” Dex asked.

“Maybe.” Seo-jun thought about going back to the small house he’d lived in with Haru in the Bay Area. Would it still be there? Probably.

“Was he…unkind to you?” Dex asked, looking so upset, Seo-jun’s heart swelled with affection for him.

“No. It’s hard to explain. I was so naive and new to the country. I also didn’t know anything about being with a man. In fact, I wondered for a while after we broke up if he had coerced me into being gay or something. Like, maybe I wasn’t really attracted tomen at all. Then I realized that I was, but it didn’t really matter anyway. I was broken.”

“What do you mean?” Dex asked, reaching for Seo-jun’s hand. “You aren’t broken.”

“I just mean, after Haru, I couldn’t see myself in another relationship. Until you.” Dex’s eyes widened, and Seo-jun forged on. “The thing about Haru was that he was good to me. He might have even really loved me. And I thought I loved him. But, looking back, I realize he controlled me. Haru had to do everything for me because I barely knew the language, an rather than teach me so I could do things on my own, he made me rely on him. When I told Brand about narcissists, I knew all that because I lived with one for five years. I knew how to drive, but I didn’t have a car. I wanted to work, but Haru insisted that I stay at home so he could take care of me. He picked out my clothes, the food I ate, and I just thought it was because he loved me. Sex was all about bringing his fantasies to life. He would dress me in different ways. As a student, as a girl, as a hooker. He would make up scenarios for us to act out, picking me up at a seedy bar, or attacking me from behind the door.”

Seo-jun had been studying his hands as he talked, and when he looked up and saw the pain and worry on Dex’s face, he felt terrible. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have dumped all of this on you.”

“No, it’s okay. I want you to be able to talk to me,” Dex said. “It’s just a little hard to hear this about someone I care about. How did it end?”

The waiter approached with their food, and when he was gone again and Seo-jun and Dex had salted and peppered and buttered everything on their plates that needed it, Seo-jun continued.