Page 42 of When Night Falls

"I will marry you. I want to turn. And I want you to-"

"Stop." I hold my hand out to signal her silence. I can't hear what she's about to say. I don't want to. Iphysicallycan’t take it. She has no idea what it will do to me, what her being here is already doing to me.

"I think I can do it. It just might take a little time for me to adjust." I notice the moment her eyes turn from confused and lost to secure and confident, though I still don't buy into the fact that she's truly ready to face what she tried to run from so many times already.

"I don't have a lot of time right now, Lucynda," I say to her, smiling at how perfect this seems to be playing out.

But the pull in my soul is gnawing at me to act on its urges, it desiderates the fulfillment that only she can provide.

She takes a few steps forward to eat up some of the space between us, a thunder pounds in the ventricles of my heart. Her proximity strikes me in a wicked way that I know I won't be able to let go of any longer. I need her,need this. It's taking over my every thought and every ounce of self-control. The hold she has on me is stronger than anything I've ever experienced.

She reaches her hand up, desperate to take mine. I let her take it and in the most innocent gesture, she slides her fingers into mine, her eyes wide with anticipation and something resembling desire when she whispers, "Then we better get started."

16

rapture & ruin

Lucynda

Have you ever done something you regret?

No? Well, I have. Lots of times.

I regret not growing a backbone and standing up for myself more often than I did, because I was made to believe that my voice wasn’t strong enough to be heard and that no one would really care about what I had to say to defend myself. So I stayed quiet, and the few times I did speak up, it didn’t end so well for me.

I regret not telling my school therapist what was really going on at home. Maybe she could have done something to help me or, I don’t know, give me better advice than I was giving myself.

I regret being afraid. It's why I tell myself that I don't want to fear anything ever again. I want control over that part of me.

But most of all, I regret ever doubting myself. Doubting my strength, my power, my heart. I hate that I allowed myself to believe that I was not good enough.

Sure, I got away from the toxicity that took over my life, but only to hide behind those shadows and play victim to what I thought was just my fears overpowering my will to be free. It’s not enough, I deserve to give myself a better chance, don’t I?

That’s the epiphany I had when I was frantically stuffing my suitcase to the brim, attempting to run away again. Rivian made me see that I can be a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. He said he saw power in me.

I decided that in that moment, I needed to live for something more. Ironic how those were the exact words my mother had used on my father before she left. She got out. She ran off and is probably having the time of her life doing whatever it is her heart desires. That’s what I want for myself. And though the idea of turning my life inside out in the form of vampirism and a marriage of some kind of convenience sounds scary, it truly feels likesomething more.

Rivian’s hand is still laced with my own, our fingers twisted together as I wait for him to say something . . .anything.

Is it crazy of me to think that we might actually come to like each other? That maybe this doesn't have to be some kind of transactional marriage to appease his kingdom. Maybe he could follow through with the idea of being soulmates, instead of just following it for the lore side of things.

He led us back to his office and closed the door just seconds ago. It feels like a sin to be trapped in a room this dark and forbidden with a man who embodies the exact same.

But all that he’s allowing me is the intense but secretive look in his eyes. His wicked, bright green eyes that I can feel tunneling into my soul. I wonder if he’s trying to read my mind to see if I’m serious this time or trying to determine if I’m going to run away.

I’m not. I won’t.

I hope more than anything that he can see that I really do want this. I want power, the promise of respect and control. It givesme a sense ofwant; the idea of family just in reach. Maybe even a chance at love.

“If we do this Lucynda, you need to promise me that you aren’t going to back out. In fact,Ican promiseyouthat there will be no option for you to back out.” Rivian’s voice reaches my ears in a soft but ruinous warning. It lacks his mental influence but is dominant all the same.

I like how he’s granting me the opportunity to think for myself; to form my own thoughts. Not that he has compelled me to do much since I’ve met him, but I don’t take for granted the fact that he could if he wanted to.

“I understand, Rivian.” I give him a few small and quick nods, and it seems to satisfy him.

“But I do have to ask one more question,” I add on before he decides to let go of my hand. A gesture that I also regret, wishing I would have held on tighter.

His touch is something I’ve grown to yearn for. Something about the way his skin feels against mine provides me with safety and longing. So when he takes it from me, I feel lonely again.