Page 70 of When Night Falls
"Okay, what does that do?" I dare to ask, nearing the line of terror as I process what it would mean for us to drink each other's blood.
"It ties your blood to mine. It makes us whole. It gives you royal blood. And yours feeds me strength."
"Jesus," I whisper. I guess I never understood exactly how much went into upholding a kingdom for vampires. It definitely isn't as easy as sayingI doand going away for a honeymoon.
"Scared off yet?" His question isn't meant to mock me, but to make sure I understand and that I won't be afraid when the time comes.
His dark brown hair curls in the breeze around us, drops of rain starting to trickle down from the sky.
"How do I turn exactly?" I ask, looking off at the moon.
"After we secure the tether with the blood bind…" he trails off and something curiously fearful enters my mind.
He looks away too, obviously trying to figure out how to tell me what he has to do so that I don't try and run again.
"Rivian?" My voice is soft but touched by worry.
"You'll need to die." He turns and latches his eyes straight on to mine, making sure that I feel the importance of his statement.
I knew this. I expected this answer but for some reason, in the midst of all of my mixed emotions and fighting my mind on what I wanted, it escaped me somehow. And now, it shocks me to my core.
I stumble backward a bit, my words coming out shaky and less poised.
I don't have much to fear these days. But death. Death is not something I wanted for myself. Not yet. Death is what I wanted for everyone else. Maybe that's a little harsh but despite the shitty life I've lived, I wanted to live.
Something comes over me. Fear maybe. But nonetheless, it causes me to overreact.
"No. I don't want that. I-"
Rivian grabs me by the wrist to stop me from running or falling back, I can't be sure what I was going to do first.
His touch stings my skin where his fingers wrap around me, fire and ice as the feel of him being so close breathes new life into me.
"Think about the feeling that you felt when your step-sisters bullied you, or when your best friend tried to coerce you into doing something dangerous, or all the times you'd been ignored or used by people you love. Think about the time your mother left you . . . the feeling you felt when your dad was on top of you, when he gave you this." Rivian pulls me into his chest, his breathing mixing with my own. Heat boils between us despite rain now steadily dripping from the sky. He grips me by the waist with one hand and allows his other to trace the scar on my cheek.
"How did that make you feel?" His feathered tone is almost like the one he'd feed my brain when he was the ghost of mydays. Now, he's here. He's training me to be his wife, helping me through all of my trauma while literally leading me to my death.
I reach up and close my hand over his. His stare is blazing into the pockets of my soul, begging me to speak my truth.
"Dead inside."
I want to live.I want to actually breathe the air of the Earth when the sky is bluest. I want to explore the desires deep in my heart and hear the sound of love as laughter rattles my cages. I want to feel the moment I find my purpose, harness my future and find a reason to love myself even with all the dark marks imprinted into my skin.
I want to . . . stop merely existing.
"I promise you, Lucynda, that dying in my arms won't feel like you're dead inside. I promise you that when you wake up on the other side, you'll feel more alive than ever," Rivian comforts me, makes me feel like I do have someone who might help me find my way. Whether that's in life or death. But really, when I die, I won't be so . . . dead. I'll breathe new air, feel new life, hear new sounds and hopefully, find new love.
"Will it hurt?" I ask.
"You won't feel a thing," he promises, brushing his fingers over my forehead to tuck away the flyaway hairs that have escaped my braid in the wind.
I sigh. I know I was meant for more. And I feel it in the way my skin ignites in the shadows and how my heart has trouble deciphering all the emotions I feel, because I amfeeling.
"When I told you that you would benefit from this life for the strict reason of revenge, I wasn't lying. I know how badly you've been hurt. I can feel your desire to make your demons pay.” He dips his head before reaching back up to touch my face again, this time running his finger over my lips. “But I think I realize now that I might have been leading you on with the wrong headliner. You crave more Lucynda. I'm not a good man. I'vedone terrible things and I will continue to do terrible things. You will be my wife and I can try to make this as painless and worthy for you as possible." He traces the dip above my top lip for a beat. Shivers cover me in a blanket of what feels like pinpricks. "Nonetheless, becoming a vampire gives you back control and strength. You will feel alive again."
I still as Rivian brings his head down to mine, his soft lips pressing a light, delicate kiss against my forehead.
The contradiction of a man so dark, stringing me along for the thrill of seeing me squirm, yet providing me with the most comforting feeling all in the same breath, is intoxicating.