Page 98 of When Night Falls

He makes it seem like the rest of my life, me giving him my virginity and whatever else we might be up to, is a chore. At least that’s what it sounds like. That makes me nervous a bit, but I relax into the warmth of the rag as it soothes the pain away.

"I know what I told you was not what you wanted to hear, but you have to trust me when I tell you that you don't want my love. You don't want to commit to me like that because I'll only disappoint you. And I care about you too much to let you go down a hopeless road." His voice is thick as he tries to explain himself. And I do hear him, but his words only register as excuses

Though I don’t miss the part where he says he does care about me, as if his actions weren’t enough.

I don't open my eyes or respond. I just allow myself to breathe in and breathe out, feigning calmness. But really, I can feel my heart shake a little, disappointment rattling it a bit. Something I should be used to by now but with Rivian, it just hurts differently and I don't know why.

I can feel the tension thicken. "I feel it you know," I whisper as his fingers move around to gently massage my scalp. "Thetether. Either that or I'm just a stupid girl for believing that there is something as torturous as a tether. Because what's the point if you're going to deny me of the experience, force an excuse onto me as to why you can’t love?" I know how pathetic it sounds, but I'm done holding back my truth. If he can tell me whatever the fuck he wants, why can't I?

"You're far from stupid, Cyn." This time I do open my eyes, and I push his hand away from me as I sit up.

"Then what am I? Because you can't possibly tell me that all of this is for the Society. You're hiding something. Something that is bigger than this stupid wedding and something that you don't want me to know. What is it? Because you can't look me in my eyes and tell me that you don't feel this, Rivian. I know you do." I reach out to grab his hand and I put it to my chest, right over my pounding heart. "But you can't keep pushing and pulling, giving and taking. Taking more than you give."

He dips his head to try and hide what's happening to him but he's right . . . I'm not stupid. He told me that a vampire’s eyes change when they sense blood, needing to fulfill the thirst. But I know that his eyes reflect the hunger he has for me in general. When he feels or sees something that he desires so badly even though he knows he shouldn't indulge.

I want to be the subject of all his desires. I want to be the only girl he drinks from, the only girl who has the pleasure of knowing what his lips feel like against their skin. I want him to be greedy for my attention. I want the Rivian who stalked me for his own pleasure and couldn't get enough of me. I crave more of the shadow that haunted me at night.

"Lucynda…" I can hear the agony in his voice. His tone has gone husky and dry, like he can't breathe. I hope he’s just read everything I projected, though I intended to keep those thoughts to myself. I hope he sees how crazy he is for denying me.

"I don't care that you have some secret you want to keep hidden. Whatever it is, we can get through it. I won't bother you about it. Whatever you want. I've given you everything you want already. Why can't you let me have this?" I've resorted to asking him to love me. Asking him to let him feel the tether he worked so hard to fulfill.

I'm here. This is it. I'm his wife.Lucynda Duquesne. Yet still, I feel like the helpless little girl who was neglected by those who should have loved me.

Then it hits me. They never really did love me; I know that much is true. And if that's true and here I sit, a newly married woman but still feeling so utterly alone, then what does that say about me as a person?

But then I remember that Rivian has done so much for me, so much to free me from those darknesses and he might not love me, but hesavedme. He’s truly cared for me far more than anyone else I’ve let into my life. Yet, he continues to deny us of experiencing what I know we both desire. His false cover of power and revenge don't hold a light to what I know he feels for me; what I am truly insane for having developed for him.

"Is it too much to ask of you to let yourself give in? Feel this with me, Rivian." My heart thuds against his palm, my hand firmly holding it in place.

"If I give in, you have no idea what that means for me. What it means for you." His words are yet again more cryptic bullshit that I don't have the brainpower to decipher right now. Instead, I choose to ignore his meaningless jargon and do the one thing I know he can't deny me of.

"Please," I beg, pressing his hand deeper into my skin, yearning for him to feel what he's trying so hard to avoid.

I told myself that I'd be okay if I had to live in a loveless marriage. But all that changed when I walked down the aisle and decided that I fucking deserve to get everything I want inlife. I remembered the girl I was when I stood at my father's grave and promised myself that no one would take advantage of me ever again. So why give in to Rivian? Because he's tall, dark, murderous, and handsome? Because he can control my mind? I don't want to be an outsider forever, queen or not. It's the feeling of being alone that plagues me with fear and shame. I don't want revenge or power or people to bow down before me. I want love. I want soul crushing, brain washing, and ruinous romantic love.

"Don't be like them. Give us a chance, Rivian. Let me be your queen, your wife. Let me show you love." I reach my other hand out to his chest, settling my open palm over the place where his heart should be beating.

But I don't feel anything. It feels empty, like a hollow space carved out of a shell of a person, but I know he has a heart. I know he didn't stalk me in the shadows of his deepest desires for no reason. I know he feels something.

Then, I feel a slight pulse vibrate through to me. Rivian's eyes find mine and I can tell my heartbeat starts to race faster against its confines as I feel the small signs of life gently surge in his chest.

Suddenly, his whole demeanor changes as he pushes me back on the bed and crowds over me, boxing me in with his hands pressed into the pillows on either side of my head. Our hands are no longer on each other's bodies, my breathing turns violently excited yet still gripped with frustration.

He leans in. His eyes are viciously territorial and his smoky scent overwhelms me as he brings his lips close to mine.

"I can't give you what you want, Lucynda, but I can give you everything else." His voice is fervent, his tone is throaty and tormented. "I crave you. Every fucking ounce of your body, mind, and soul, I covet. I can't stop thinking about you.” He moves his hand to my throat, wrapping his fingers around me gently yet threateningly all in the same breath

“You devour me with your frost-bite eyes and you tease me with the way your siren-song sings my name. All of my energy has been depleted on simply fucking wanting you.” He squeezes, his lips now touching my own.

“But I am not welcomed to the luxury of relishing in the superficial things in life. My darkness seems to outshine yours and I will provide your sweet, innocent heart with nothing but cataclysmic ruin. So no, my sweet sin, I can't love you.” His grip on my throat tightens, air evading my lungs yet arousal gathers between my thighs as he lowers his words to a whisper, feathering over my skin like dark promise. “But don't you ever think for a fucking second that you aren't wanted. I brought your ass here, and with me you will fucking stay. You aremine."

Rivian crushes his lips against mine, a moan rips from my soul as his mouth covers mine and he forces his tongue inside. It's rough and sloppy and makes my insides tingle but it feels so fucking right.

I let my hands roam over his body, every inch of him is unsafe from my fingers. Scratching, pulling, digging. I need to feel him.

He reaches down with one of his hands and finds his way under my dress. A little trail of lightning is left in his wake as he tickles his fingertips against my skin toward my upper thigh. I tense, because the feeling is so dangerously good.

"Rivian," I whimper his name before his teeth nip at my bottom lip.