Page 156 of The Grand Duel

“No, it’s okay,” I tell him, not being able to take my eyes off him. “Just…let it come out however it needs to.”

He runs his hand through his hair again, looking uncomfortable as he closes his eyes briefly. “I didn’t tell you it was me because I didn’t want you to know that part of my life. I don’t want anyone to know that part of my life. It’s the whole point of it. I started going to the club at a time I was young and confused after my sister passed.” He looks up at me. “Which sounds like I’m using that as an excuse, but I’m not.” He sighs. “It’s safe to me—the club. And when you showed up in that space, completely knocked me on my ass, and then walked into my office days later, a place I never want to see the women Isleep with.” His jaw locks as if he knows it’s brutal. “Two things I kept very separate for a very long time collided. I wasn’t myself, and I’m still not now.”

“Charles,” I say, leaning across the sofa. I place my hand on his forearm, needing him to relax. “I understand.”

“You do?”

I tilt my head. “I’m trying.”

His brows dip.

“You know when you said that I never told you everything either.” I purse my lips, chewing on the inside of my cheek. “In your office that day I confronted you.”

“I was talking out of my ass, Lis. I knew I had hurt you, and I didn’t know what to do?—”

I talk over him. “There are things. Things I could share with you but don’t want to at risk of going back to a time that caused me pain.” I swallow. “Especially when in the moments that maybe fit telling you more, things felt too good to spoil.”

He nods, as if understanding what I’m saying. “I knew I should have told you.”

“But telling me meant giving me the parts you aren’t ready to share,” I say, giving him a sad smile.

“I still should have told you.”

I nod. “You should have told me.” I lean back, letting go of him. “But you didn’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Have you been to the club since that night?” I ask, needing to know. “If you don’t sleep with women outside of it?—”

“Once. I knew you weren’t working and thought it would help me forget about our night together. I didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t?”

“No. It was the night I spoke to Bronwyn about keeping you out of the rooms. I couldn’t stand the idea…”

“Of me sleeping with other men?” I finish for him.

His jaw locks. “It’s not rational. I know that.”

“What will you do now?” I ask, not knowing where this leaves us or how a relationship would even work with him. “If you only sleep with women at the club, will you go back now that I know?”

His eyes dart around my face, disappointment making his lips thin. “Do you want me to go back?”

I look away from. “Really, Charles?”

“Lissie—”

“No. Don’t put that on me. You’ve just told me it’s a huge part of your life. If you want to go back there, you should.”

“I don’t know how to do this in any other way.”

I swallow and stare at him, desperately wanting him to tell me that he wants to.

Tell me you want to do this in a different way, and I’ll help you.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he says apologetically.

My heart sinks. “So, you would?”