Page 295 of The Grand Duel
“It doesn’t matter how much I love you,” I tell him, my eyes unblinking. “How good the excuse is. I can’t live my life hoping you’re going to be a good man. Not if your intention is to protect my heart from the world because what you’re striving for is impossible.” I wipe the tear that falls down my face, and he takes my hand in his, closing his eyes as he pulls it to lie on his chest between us. “I know who you are. Iknowhow good you are.”
“Lissie—”
“Let me cry alone in the shower sometimes. We’re girls, we do it. We feel everything. And know that the peace you fight so hard to find, I want that too, but you’ll never be able to fix things completely—not for any of us,” I add, knowing how much our friends’ happiness means to him. “I promise that when you hold me like this, like you are right now, when you choose to stay and face things with me…you make the bad in this world feel a million miles from where we are. You don’t have to lie to protect me. You don’t have to leave. You just have to stay. Just let me…be,” I try to explain. “Let meexist.” My eyes fill with tears as I stare into his blue ones, praying he gets it. Praying he doesn’t ever leave me again, because I’m terrified of what that would do to us both. “You told me that once. That if I existed, you’d be okay. Well, know that your existence is enough, too, Charles. It’s all I need.”
A tear bumps over his nose, his eyes lost on me. “All I can think is that I don’t deserve you, Lissie Elton. That you’re too good. Worth more.”
“But you’re not thinking that, are you, Charles,” I tell him, resolute. “You’re thinking that you are worthy of my love. That you are worth being with. I could love anyone, but Ichooseto love you. In fact, try to leave me—” My voice cracks. “Try.” I shake my head, hating what that reality makes of me. “Test me, and see how much I choose to love you.”
I should be ashamed of the depths I’m willing to go.
Of how much I’ve given.
But I’m not.
I’d do it all again if it meant I had one more happy moment with Charlie.
“I’m not going to leave you,” he swears. “I’m not going anywhere.”
My teeth clench, and I nod, feeling the weight on my chest lift.
“I love you.” He goes to kiss me, and I panic, twisting my face, his lips meeting my cheek.
He inches away slowly, the pain in his eyes threatening to ruin me.
“I love you, Lissie,” he rasps, pleading.
I drop my eyes to his mouth, and then lean in, knowing I shouldn’t feel so nervous.
His eyes close as he lets out a shaky breath.
Dipping my head, my lips part, and I place a deep, lingering kiss against his mouth, letting out a moan when his hand comes up to hold my face.
FIFTY-THREE
Lissie
One week later…
Good morning, Lissie girl.
I love you.
Placing down the folded piece of card, I reach for the breakfast tray, lifting the lid that covers the food. I bite down on my bottom lip in an attempt to tame my smile.
He made me pancakes.
Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath, revelling in the way just knowing that he’s here in this house again feels.
It’s been a week since the ball, and he’s still sleeping in the spare room each night. I hate that fact, but I’m trying to be smart. With a love like ours, something I’m certain isn’t common, I don’t think falling right back into the way we were is right.
I’m almost certain that Charlie doesn’t agree with me. And that if I let him, he’d be eating these pancakes in bed with me right now.
“Go back, Lu,” I tell her, pushing her snout away from the plate. “Lie down.”
I reach for the fork and take a bite, the pancake still warm.
“Lis,” Charlie says, mumbling, pushing against the bedroom door. “You’re awake.”