Page 34 of With This Lie

She looks up at me and waits for more explanation.

I don’t want to be too specific or too vague. “Her job has her away sometimes,” I say, keeping it simple.

“Oh,” she says, considering this information.

“I don’t have to stay if you don’t want,” I say.

“No, it’s not that. I want you to stay,” she says. Her voice is unsteady.

“Are you sure? You seem hesitant.”

“I just don’t usually want people to stay,” she admits.

Her words fill my chest up, as if in some way it had been hollow before. “Oh,” I say, not sure what else to add. I pull her in closer to me and we fall back into silence for a little while longer.

“Can we get under the blanket?” she asks.

“Of course,” I say, releasing my grip of her for the first time since we got into bed.

We shift around and wiggle our way under the blankets.

“I’m not going to make a big deal out of this, but I just want you to know you’re on my side of the bed,” she says, giving me a stern look.

“Well, I like it over here,” I say, wiggling my body back and forth.

“Oh, I bet you do, it’s obviously better,” she says.

“Can I ask you a serious question?” I say.

“Sure,” she says.

“Do you want to be the little spoon or the big spoon?” I say, staring into her eyes, pretending this is a very serious moment.

She pouts her lips, thinking about the question. “That’s a very serious question indeed,” she says. “I think tonight I’d like to be the little spoon if that’s all right with you? I might want to be the big spoon another time.”

“Deal,” I say, positioning my body and wrapping my arm around her waist.

She wiggles her ass back into me and snuggles up. I can already feel myself getting distracted again. I shift.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“You know on second thought, this may be a bad idea. I’m not sure I can sleep with your ass pushing back into my junk all night. It’s very distracting. I’ll end up being a very bad boy sometime in the middle of the night,” I admit.

“Did you just call it your junk?” she asks, laughing.

“Well what do you want me to call it?” I ask.

“I don’t know, I just never understood calling it junk. Isn’t it more of a prized possession?”

“Oh, you bet it is,” I say.

“As for the middle of the night bad behavior, I’m counting on it,” she says and settles back down, giving her butt one last wiggle.

“Can I have a goodnight kiss?” I ask.

She turns toward me and plants her lips on mine squarely, deeply. It’s not sexual, it’s intimate. It’s wonderful. She turns back and wiggles again. I inhale the scent lingering in her hair again and shut my eyes.

I lie there holding her and thinking. She seems to like me, and I wonder if I could tell her the truth. I wonder if a girl like her could find relief in my truth. I wonder if I’ve created a false sense of security with this lie. I wonder why I care so much. This is what I do right? Have some fun, call it quits later. The thought of doing that to Dani makes me feel sick. It makes me hurt. Why is this bothering me so much? What is so different about this time? Her. It’s her. She’s worth more than throwing away. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. In my head, it made perfect sense. She only dates married men. I am fake married. She’s not stepping out of line, not wanting more. It’s still early. Maybe she could want more. Maybe if I wait until then to tell her, she could be relieved. My thoughts begin to circle around, and I realize I’m getting nowhere. I know a few things to be true at this point.

Dani is different. I am afraid for the first time in a very long time. Afraid to hold on. Afraid to let go. Afraid of what the truth will do. Afraid of what my lie has already done.