Page 53 of With This Lie

“Okay, let me pick one now,” she says, rubbing her hands together. She scans the few other people in the park, looking for the perfect subjects for such an experiment. “Her. What about her?”

My eyes meet the woman hers are fixed on. She’s sitting alone with a book in her hand. I can’t tell what book it is from here and I don’t see a ring on her hand or a sign of a spouse. “Definitely single. She’s lonely. She reads to get away. In the park so she can watch other people. Maybe on some days so she doesn’t feel so alone. Maybe on others so she can watch them and envy what they have,” I say.

“Well that’s depressing,” she says, laughing. “But I don’t think you’re right.”

“Well, then you tell me,” I say, challenging her to perk up the situation.

She turns her eyes back to the woman reading on the patch of grass a little way’s away. She studies her for a few silent moments. “I think you’re right about her being single but I think you’re wrong about how she feels about it. I think she wants it that way. At least for now.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I know what that’s like. Because I just get it,” she says.

I’m not sure how to respond now. I wonder if this is her way of telling her me she likes her life the way it is, that she doesn’t want me to mess it up. I wonder if this is her way of holding up a caution sign without actually having to say anything about us at all. Perhaps the truth isn’t what she wants after all.

“You feel like taking a little walk before we go back to your place?” I ask.

“Sure,” she says, smiling.

“Good.” I smile back. I take her by the hand and lead her down the path away from her place.

“I have a song for you,” she says.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Here, put this in your ear.” She hands me one of her ear buds and slips the other one into her ear so we can share the song.

I watch her scroll through her songs and stop on “Looking for Knives” by DYAN. She pushes play and looks up at me. It’s soft, mellow. The lyrics though. The lyrics are undeniably amazing. This may be the best song she’s had me listen to. The more I listen, the more I realize this song could have been written for us. What I went looking for versus what I was given. I look down at her and smile. Wait. Is she trying to tell me something with this? Is this how she feels? Shit.

Perhaps I would do this with everything now. Read too much into everything that happens between us and never know what she’s thinking. Great. That’s exactly what I need right now.

I take the turn out of the park toward my apartment and watch her look around, curiosity in her wondering eyes. I stop a little short of my place but make sure it is clearly visible. I pull the ear buds out and point at my building.

“Dani, do you see that place right there? White building, blue door?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“That’s where I live,” I say.

Her face looks up at mine.

“I just…I just want you to know. In case you ever need to find me,” I say.

“Why would I need to find you there?” she asks.

“You never know,” I say. I’m not sure what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m not sure what she would even do with this information.

“Okay, Lucas. I’ll know where to find you,” she says, squeezing my hand in hers and smiling.

We turn back toward the park and put the ear buds back in. She scrolls through to find us another song. She picks “Broken” by lovelytheband and we both laugh. We take the winding paths through the park and walk down the street to her door where a delivery guy is standing. We may have forgotten about the food but it seems we aren’t all too late to receive it. We bring it upstairs with us and sit it on the counter. I take my bag into her bedroom and come back out to eat.

“Lucas?” she says.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think if we were normal, we would have dated?”

“If we were normal?” I twist my face.